What to watch on Monday, September 19...
It's Monday, but that's not exactly the biggest tragedy in the world. I'm pretty sure the Hindenburg ranks above it. Also maybe the Vietnam War? You know something, I don't think the fact that today is Monday would even rank in the top ten of all-time tragedies. Top fifteen, maybe. Sure. Anyway, cheer up! Good things:
SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 8pm, CBS
How I Met Your Mother
Another season premiere, another tiny step toward finding out who the dang mother is. Anyway, at Barney's mystery wedding, Robin considers finally revealing her hidden feelings for him. Plus, the friends reminisce about Punchy's wedding as well as Marshall and Lily's pregnancy announcement. Welcome back, you buncha friendly friends.
SEASON 9 PREMIERE, 9pm, CBS
Two and a Half Men
First things first: Ashton Kutcher is an upgrade. Yeah, I said it. Tune in for the first of a two-part introduction to Kutcher's Walden Schmidt, brokenhearted billionaire. Here's hoping Two and Half Men can move past car-crash fascination and get back to doing what it does best: Telling dirty jokes to your mom.
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 10pm, Comedy Central
The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen
However, if you DO like car-crash entertainment, there's always this. In tonight's Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, the titular maniac will be razzed and teased by the roasting industry's finest: Jeffrey Ross, Steve-O, Harvey Levin, and Mike Tyson (obviously).
SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 10pm, ABC
What the world needs now is a charming novelist crime fighter! Tonight picks up in the wake of last season's shocking finale and finds Castle investigating Beckett's shooting while she struggles to stay alive. Hang in there, girl!
SERIES PREMIERE, 9:30pm, CBS
2 Broke Girls
Kat Dennings plays Max, a cynical, foul-mouthed waitress who finds herself suddenly working alongside the disgraced heiress daughter of a Bernie Madoff-like figure. Will Max be super mean and snarky to the new girl, or will they eventually bond over their common poverty? I won't spoil it for you here. Sorry.
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, NBC
The Playboy Club
Do you like shows about Amber Heard dressed like a '60s-era Playboy Bunny who accidentally murders a Chicago mobster and seeks shelter from Eddie Cibrian? This show is A LOT like that.
SEASON 13 PREMIERE, 8pm, ABC
Dancing With the Stars
Who cares about the Chaz Bono nontroversy? Nancy Grace, you guys! NANCY GRACE. (Question: How many televisions do you think Jane Velez-Mitchell will shoot out during tonight's premiere?)
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Basketball Wives LA, 8 p.m., VH1
Eureka, SEASON 4 FINALE, 8 p.m., Syfy
Hell's Kitchen, SEASON 9 FINALE, 8 p.m., Fox
I'm Alive, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Kathy Griffin's Emmys Aftermath, 8 p.m., TV Guide Channel
The Lying Game, 8 p.m., ABC Family
The Sing-Off, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 8 p.m., NBC
American Pickers, 9 p.m., History
Bad Girls Club, 9 p.m., Oxygen
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, 9 p.m., Bravo
Tia & Tamera, 9 p.m., Style
Top Gear, 9 p.m., BBC America
Warehouse 13, 9 p.m., Syfy
Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory, 9:30 p.m., MTV
Alphas, 10 p.m., Syfy
Hair Battle Spectacular, 10 p.m., Oxygen
Hawaii Five-0, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., CBS
Intervention, SEASON 11 FINALE, 10 p.m., A&E;
Pawn Stars, 10 & 10:30 p.m., History
Ridiculousness, 10 p.m., MTV
Weeds, 10 p.m., Showtime
Death Valley, 10:30 p.m., MTV
The Big C, 10:30 p.m., Showtime
Cuff'd, 11 p.m., MTV
The Protector, SERIES FINALE, 11 p.m., Lifetime
The Strange History of Don't Ask Don't Tell, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 12 a.m., HBO
What are you watching tonight?