What to watch on Monday, May 14...
Why are all the Monday shows in such a rush to say goodbye? We'll miss you, shows!
SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 8pm, NBC
America's Got Talent
While everyone's bracing to see just how shocking or controversial Howard Stern will be as the newest judge on America's Got Talent, my hunch is that the only shocking part will be how seriously he'll take the job. For almost the entirety of his career he's distracted people with blue humor only to consistently champion the underdog and endorse the weird and wonderful. When tonight's seventh season kicks off with a round of auditions in L.A. and St. Louis, don't be surprised if Howard Stern's hiring proves to be one of the best decisions this franchise has ever made. (Full disclosure: I'm a bit of a Stern fan.)
SEASON 7 FINALE, 8pm, Fox
Tonight the team attempts to pin another murder on suspected serial killer and "hacktivist" Christopher Pelant, but are surprised to find out that some of the evidence actually points to Brennan as the killer. Whoa whoa whoa. Hold up, Bones. Brennan ain't no killer, see.
SEASON 5 FINALE, 8pm, CW
In tonight's Season 5 finale (relax, there'll be a Season 6), Blair must choose between Chuck and Dan. Elsewhere, Lily's marriage reaches a crossroads, plus Nate tries to convince Lola to move in with him. Have a great summer, you fancy children!
SEASON 7 FINALE, 8pm, CBS
How I Met Your Mother
A pair of episodes rounds out this show's seventh season: First, Lily goes into labor while Marshall's partying in Atlantic City. Then in the proper finale, it's a flash-forward episode in which the gang attends Barney's wedding and reminisce about how Ted may have met the titular mother! Or it's just another fake out, who knows at this point.
MINISERIES PREMIERE, 8pm, HBO
The Weight of the Nation
If your idea of a pleasant night of entertainment involves a 4-part miniseries about how frighteningly obese your fellow citizens have become, then HBO's got your number! In tonight's premiere of The Weight of the Nation, we'll learn A LOT more about all the various health issues related to our modern obesity crisis. Make sure to bring a second bag of Doritos for the Part 2 that follows!
SEASON 8 PREMIERE, 9:30pm, ABC
She's back! Viewer-favorite Emily Maynard returns to the ol' dog and pony show to sort through 25 himbos for a chance at a lifetime of bliss. In tonight's premiere she'll give at least six dudes the boot! But really, the main reason to tune in will be for Lily Sparks' presumably incredible recaps. Keep it real, Sparks!
SEASON 1 FINALE, 10pm, NBC
In the portentously titled "Bombshell," Derek makes a tough decision that has a big impact on Karen and Ivy. At the same time Tom and Julia must scramble to save the show! Oh wait that's not what happens EVERY week? Just in the season finale? Okay cool. (Again, Lily Sparks will have this recap handled.)
PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
Antiques Roadshow, 8 p.m., PBS
Basketball Wives, 8 p.m., VH1
Dancing with the Stars, 8 p.m., ABC
The Secret Life of the American Teenager, 8 p.m., ABC Family
Top Gear (U.K.), 8 p.m., BBC America
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, 9 p.m., Travel
Eureka, 9 p.m., Syfy
Hart of Dixie, SEASON 1 FINALE, 9 p.m., CW
House, 9 p.m., Fox
Make It or Break It, SERIES FINALE, 9 p.m., ABC Family
Two and a Half Men, SEASON 9 FINALE, 9 p.m., CBS
Mike & Molly, SEASON 2 FINALE, 9:30 p.m., CBS
Bethenny Ever After, 10 p.m., Bravo
Hawaii Five-0, SEASON 2 FINALE, 10 p.m., CBS
Killer Kids, 10 p.m., Bio
Kurt Sutter's Outlaw Empires, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Discovery
Lost Girl, 10 p.m., Syfy
Ridiculousness, 10 p.m., MTV
The Pitch, 10 p.m., AMC
Money From Strangers, 10:30 p.m., MTV
The Wedding Party, 11 p.m., Bravo
Craig Ferguson on Chelsea Lately, 11 p.m., E!
Mila Kunis, Rashida Jones & David Sedaris on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Willie Nelson on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
What are you watching tonight?