What to Watch Tonight: The Premieres of Survivor, Up All Night, and America's Next Top Model

What to watch on Wednesday, September 14...

It's time to take back your television from the cats. Tell them, "I paid for this television, cats! We will watch Wheel of Fortune later." Stay strong. You can do it. Sure, there might be ninety-something of them, but nothing, not even ninety-something cats, should come between you and all these terrific TV offerings:

Survivor: South Pacific
Did you know there are 11-year-old children who aren't even as old as Survivor? The granddaddy of network reality shows barrels onward tonight with a new batch of Type-A citizens as well as returning veterans Ozzy and Coach. The Redemption Island twist remains in play, as do Jeff Probst's brutally transfixing dimples. Tune in for the awkward get-to-know-you conversations and the tearful first boot. Good luck, you bunch of nice people I interviewed that one time!

Up All Night
Christina Applegate plays a working mom who bestows the baby-raising duties to stay-at-home husband Will Arnett. That doesn't sound like a funny premise, right? Well guess what? This show is SUPER funny. It has Maya Rudolph! It's produced by Lorne Michaels! It contains so much bleeped-out cussing! Watch this, you won't regret it.

What? Is this? Oh, it's the new CW reality show in which "celebrities" confront their internet haters. In tonight's premiere no less than the extraordinarily beloved Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi meets one of her haters. As does evil mannequin Jake Pavelka. Just good television, basically.*
*This is not good television.

Big Brother
Between the live internet feeds, the Showtime 2 after-dark feeds, and the more polished packages that aired on CBS throughout the summer, I found it pretty hard to avoid seeing (and getting invested in) the people trapped in Big Brother's hellish, fluorescent-lit existence. It all ends tonight when the evicted jury members convene to decide whether the grand prize will go to a newbie or a returning veteran. Team Anyone-But-Rachel!

America's Next Top Model
Nicki Minaj Alert!! I mean, I guess it's important to note that this cycle of ANTM consists of an "all-star" slate of returning contestants. Fine, way to stay on top of reality trends, Tyra. But really the more exciting element of tonight's premiere is that Nicki Minaj is a guest judge! Will she be restrained and normal, or a full-on weirdo? Can't wait!

SEASON 4 FINALE, 9pm, Spike
Deadliest Warrior
It's the Deadliest Warrior match-up we've all been waiting for: VAMPIRES vs. ZOMBIES. That is all you need to know about tonight's season finale.

America's Got Talent, SEASON 6 FINALE, 8 p.m., NBC
Buried Treasure, SEASON 1 FINALE, 8 p.m., Fox
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, 8 & 8:30 p.m., TLC
Melissa & Joey, SEASON 1 FINALE, 8 & 8:30p.m., ABC Family
Minute to Win It
, 8 p.m., NBC
Fatal Honeymoons, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9 p.m., E!
Ghost Hunters, 9 p.m., Syfy
Law & Order: UK, 9 p.m., BBC America
Scammed, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9 p.m., History
Confessions: Animal Hoarding, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Dance Moms, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Necessary Roughness, SEASON 1 FINALE, 10 p.m., USA
Paranormal Witness, 10 p.m., Syfy
Primetime Nightline: My (Extra) Ordinary Family, 10 p.m., ABC
Sons of Guns, 10 p.m., Discovery
The Hour, 10 p.m., BBC America
Toddlers & Tiaras, MIDSEASON FINALE, 10 p.m., TLC
Top Chef: Just Desserts, 10 p.m., Bravo
Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Free Agents, SERIES PREMIERE, 10:30 p.m., NBC
Storage Wars: Dallas, SERIES PREMIERE, 10:30 & 11p.m., A&E;
From Beyond, 1 a.m., Syfy

Cake on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Common on Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 11 p.m., Comedy Central
Danny DeVito on Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Greg Kinnear & Bear Grylls on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
Jane Lynch & Demetri Martin on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Kate Bosworth on Chelsea Lately, 11 p.m., E!
Michael Bolton on The Wendy Williams Show, 12 a.m., BET
Michael Moore on The Colbert Report, 11:30 p.m., Comedy Central
Tyra Banks on Conan, 11 p.m., TBS


What are you watching tonight?

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