What to watch on Thursday, September 15...
Premiere week continues and Baron von Television, our very beloved, very wealthy benefactor has still more gifts to bestow upon us. What have you brought for us tonight, Uncle? Tinned butter? Delightful tarts? No, he's brought us the most exotical and delicious treats of them all: Supernatural teen dramas and adult comedies!
SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 8pm, CW
The Vampire Diaries
It's been a LONG Summer for TVD fans. But maybe after the finale's devastating bloodbath we really NEEDED this time to heal? My dreamcatcher can only capture so many nightmares, you guys. Anyway, in tonight's season premiere, Elena and Damon continue their search for Stefan, who's been off murderin' folks with Klaus and tracking a werewolf who used to be on 7th Heaven. Also Caroline returns to her old party-planning ways in honor of Elena's 18th birthday, and Jeremy deals with the pair of ghost-girlfriends who follow him around all day. You know, normal teen stuff.
SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 10pm, FX
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Boy, you got fat over the summer! Tonight Mac debuts his new, tubby body and Charlie tries to prevent Frank from marrying a hooker. Welcome back, you bunch of charming sociopaths!
SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, CW
The Secret Circle
While not technically a spin-off of The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle is basically the identical cousin who came to live with Laura Palmer's family on Twin Peaks. They are very similar! Tone, humor, filming style, showrunner, source-material author, but especially entertainment value. The Secret Circle is pretty fun, in my opinion. But tune in to decide whether it can possibly measure up to TVD's addictive qualities.
SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 10:30pm, FX
Bittersweet news: Archer is back! But only for three episodes, then it's gone 'til 2012. But then again, 2012 is not that far away anymore? Oh well, back to what I was saying: NEW Archer!! In tonight's Part 1 of a three-part run, Mallory pays an adventurer-for-hire to bring Archer back from his island hideaway.
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9pm, Discovery
Extreme Drug Smuggling
In tonight's Discovery special devoted to the smuggling methods of international drug traffickers, we'll learn about all the ways that drugs are brought to your coffee table. It's unclear how many minutes this hour-long special will devote to "Up You Know Where" but I'm guessing 40-45 minutes?
PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
Wipeout, SEASON 4 FINALE, 8 p.m., ABC
Millionaire Matchmaker, 9 p.m., Bravo
Project Runway, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Ancient Aliens, 10 p.m., History
Beyond Scared Straight, SEASON 2 FINALE, 10 p.m., A&E;
Jersey Shore, 10 p.m., MTV
LA Ink, SERIES FINALE, 10 p.m., TLC
Nightmare Next Door, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Russian Dolls, 11:30 p.m., Lifetime
NTSF:SD:SUV::, 12:15 a.m., Cartoon Network
Ashton Kutcher on Conan, 11 p.m., TBS
David Copperfield on The Colbert Report, 11:30 p.m., Comedy Central
Sigourney Weaver on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Steve Buscemi & Lily Collins on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Zooey Deschanel on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
What are you watching tonight?