What to Watch Tonight: The Vampire Diaries, Archer, and the Series Premiere of Childrens Hospital's New Spin-off, Newsreaders

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What to watch on Thursday, January 16...


8pm, The CW
The Vampire Diaries
Rebekah’s back and grilling Elena, Stefan, and Caroline about their hunt for the cure, which I guess gives Rebekah something to do before she gets stabbed dead yet again (I give it three episodes). Elsewhere in “After School Special,” Bonnie’s father takes a sudden interest in her life.


8pm, ABC
Last Resort
Marcus tries to surrender the Colorado in “The Pointy End of the Spear,” while Kyle and Admiral Shepard attempt to take down the president. ABC Thursday nights: where no fictional president is safe.


8:30pm, NBC
Parks and Recreation
It’s a tale of “Two Parties,” as Leslie and Ben each indulge the tradition of single-gendered pre-wedding festivities. While Councilman Jamm throws a wrench into the bachelorette party Ann has planned, the fellas live out their NFL dreams with the Indianapolis Colts on the turf of Lucas Oil Stadium.


SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 10pm, FX
Archer
Archer is stricken with amnesia as “Fugues and Riffs” opens the fourth season, and only a weekend spa treatment can cure him. If that weren’t enough of an identity crisis, the H. Jon Benjamin-voiced spy encounters a burger joint proprietor with a suspiciously similar larynx in the long-awaited Bob’s Burgers crossover.


WINTER PREMIERE, 10pm, USA
Suits
“Blind-Sided” resumes the legal drama’s surging second season. Mike’s emotions threaten to get the best of him when he becomes personally invested in a criminal case that hits close to home.


SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, TBS
King of the Nerds
Robert “Lewis Skolnick” Carradine and Curtis “Booger” Armstrong host this reality competition series, quasi-inspired by their 1980s geek-empowerment franchise, Revenge of the Nerds. Gamers, LARPers, neuroscientists, and more will vie for the title of alpha nerd—and the $100,000 cash prize. Tonight’s premiere, “Welcome to Nerdvana,” tests the 11 contestants’ skills at an oversized strategy game.


SERIES PREMIERE, 10:30pm, FX
Legit
Aussie comic Jim Jefferies plays himself in this latest entry into FX’s stable of dark comedies. The pilot finds Jefferies on a mission to rid a wheelchair-bound friend of his virginity, via a trip to a Las Vegas brothel.


SERIES PREMIERE, 12am, Adult Swim
Newsreaders
The ingenious satiric minds behind Childrens Hospital bring you this spin-off parodying newsmagazine shows. Matthew Zickel stars as fictional host Louis La Fonda, and a cameo from nonfictional newsman Dan Rather lends a dash of authenticity. Mary Lynn Rajskub, Brandon Routh, and Jane Seymour also star.


LATE-NITE:
– Martin Short, David Boreanaz, and Jake Bugg on Conan, 11pm, TBS
– T.I. on Chelsea Lately, 11pm, E!
– Lena Dunham on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 11pm, Comedy Central
– Law professor Akhil Reed Amar on The Colbert Report, 11:30pm, Comedy Central
– Naomi Watts, Richard Engel, and Train on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35pm, NBC
– Jeremy Renner and Jack Hanna on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35pm, CBS
– Ray Romano, Amy Brenneman, and Phillip Phillips on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 11:35pm, ABC
– Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maggie Q, and Michael Kiwanuka on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37am, NBC
– Julia Stiles and Tom Cotter on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37am, CBS



WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING TONIGHT?


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