What to Watch Tonight: Virgin Diaries, Dallas, and Royal Pains

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What to watch on Wednesday, July 18...

You know, usually when somebody brings up the fact that it's "Hump Day," I embarrass myself by morphing into an eighth grade boy who just has to remind everyone how perverse Wednesday's nickname sounds. But today, I stand proud. Because it does sound perverse and it is hilarious—and for once, it's actually kind of appropriate: at least two of the shows below feature relatively perverse themes. So take that, world! And now, here is your television line-up for the night:

9pm, TNT
Dallas
In "Collateral Damage" Rebecca starts to trust Elena enough to tell her secrets, which I'm sure she'll come to regret no later than next week's episode. Ann's ex-husband comes running for an apology after Bobby walked into his office, B-slapped him in front of clients, and walked out. And John-Ross tries to get more of the family turned against each other—because it just wouldn't feel like home without a good ol' fashioned feud. The soapy drama is officially full-throttle, but when a family friend gets whacked, it starts to get real. It's all fun and games until somebody dies, Ewings!

9pm, USA
Royal Pains
This week, Evan lands a business deal thanks to Paige, Hank treats a country-club goer who's having trouble with his memory (I can only imagine how troublesome that must be keeping score on the golf course...) and Boris extends an intriguing job offer to Hank. Isn't anything more intriguing than treating country-clubbers? I mean, seriously. Oh, and before I forget: Divya makes a shocking discovery—and it does not bode well for her. Of all the possibilities, what could it be??

SEASON 1 FINALE, 10pm, Bravo
Around the World in 80 Plates
Our favorite clan of nomadic chefs will finally hit the breaks tonight... but only because the season is over. Someone's gotta win eventually, okay? We can't all lolly-gag around the world making dishes out exotic ingredients like sardines and cupcake batter forever, you know. Although if we could... no, I still probably wouldn't. I'll stick to my store-bought cookie dough dinners THANKYOUVERYMUCH. Anyway, tonight it's down to just three chefs who are all back in good ol' Los Angeles to battle it out in front of renowned chefs like Wolfgang Puck for the title of "Royal Chef"—that's not actually the title. I think the title is just your basic "winner," so I thought I'd spruce it up. Still, there can only be one! Who will take it all home?

SPECIAL, 10pm, TLC
Virgin Diaries
I'm not gonna lie to you: This is the episode I'm moving to the #1 position on my DVR tonight. TLC has only ever aired one episode of the Virgin Diaries series thus far, but it was... for lack of a better word, hilarious. And sort of gut-wrenching? But also informational. I'm addicted! It's sort of like watching a National Geographic show on people with strange social skills. Some of them choose not to have sex for moral reasons, which is understandable. But others want to have sex and just haven't met the right mate. That falls into a sort of "sadder" category but only because these people are terribly insecure and deserve not to be. Tonight's second installment features a widower named Lindsey, a 29 year-old virgin named Karissa, and a 34-year-old Mormon virgin named Skippy. Rumor has it Skippy collects his belly button lint. Um, I think I've spotted his problem? Man, this show is already so worth the wait.

10:30pm, TV Land
The Exes
Tonight's "Lethal Weapons" leads the guys straight into the Lion's den... which I'm assuming is the name of the strip club they'll wind up in. Unlike your average strip-club outing, which is usually explained by a simple, "we went because we wanted to," these guys wound up there because Phil was trying too hard to land a client. And as most adventures to the strip club do, this one ends with a trip to the hospital. Meanwhile, Holly has discovered something wonderful—and it's of the brassiere persuasion. So much cleavage in tonight's episode. Jeez.

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
2012 Tour de France, HIGH MOUNTAINS, 8 p.m., NBC Sports
Melissa & Joey, 8 p.m., ABC Family
So You Think You Can Dance, 8 p.m., Fox
NinjaGo: Masters of Spinjitzu, SEASON PREMIERE, 8 p.m., Cartoon Network
Baby Daddy, 8:30 p.m., ABC Family
America's Got Talent, 9 p.m., NBC
American Guns, 9 p.m., Discovery
America's Lost Treasures, 9 p.m., NatGeo
Beverly Hills Nannies, 9 p.m., ABC Family
Cajun Pawn Stars, 9 p.m., History
Haunted Collector, 9 p.m., Syfy
Hollywood Exes, 9 p.m., VH1
Hollywood Heights, 9 p.m., Nickelodeon
How the Universe Works, 9 p.m., Science
Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles, 9 p.m., Bravo
Property Brothers, 9 p.m., HGTV
Toddlers & Tiaras, 9 p.m., TLC
Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Barter Kings, 10 p.m., A&E;
Diamond Divers, 10 p.m., Spike
Fast N' Loud, 10 p.m., Discovery
Final Witness, 10 p.m., ABC
Futurama, 10 p.m., Comedy Central
House Hunters, 10 p.m., HGTV
Inside Men, 10 p.m., BBC America
Necessary Roughness, 10 p.m., USA
Picked Off, 10 p.m., History
Restaurant: Impossible, 10 p.m., Food
School Spirits, 10 p.m., Syfy
The Franchise: A Season with the Miami Marlins, 10 p.m., Showtime
The Real World: St. Thomas, 10 p.m., MTV
The Soul Man, 10 p.m., TV Land
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, 10 p.m., Science
The Exes, 10:30 p.m., TV Land

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Kyra Sedgwick on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Newt Gingrich and Snooki on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:34 p.m., NBC
Kate Beckinsale on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Jeff Daniels on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC

 

What are you watching tonight?