As hard as this is to believe, in a matter of weeks, The Oprah Winfrey Show will be with us no longer. Personally, I think this was a terrible decision, since I’m most likely never going to watch OWN. I just won’t. But I sure as hell would have kept watching Oprah!
Whatever, she seems to have made up her mind (it's not too late to change it though, girlfriend), so that’s that. Her ship has all but sailed. And that means that every passing episode—even Thursday’s “biggest, most fabulous, last-ever Harpo Hookup show! See a dazzling Disney dream come true!”—is precious and sacred.
But what about The Final Episode? Not much is known about it, save that it’s set to air on May 25. Oprah's second- and third-to-last broadcasts—airing May 23 and 24—will actually be taped May 17 at Chicago's United Center, and will feature thousands of cheering fans and dozens of surprise celebrity guests. But that last show? It’s a wild card. According to PopEater, her final guest will be no one but herself, bidding a quiet and contemplative (and no doubt tear-filled!) goodbye to the television landmark that turned her into the most powerful woman on earth. The mere thought sends shivers up and down my spine.
But surely she won’t just blubber for 60 minutes and then send us on our way into the cold, Oprah-less void? Here are some guesses for what the great communicator (Ronald Reagan isn’t using that nickname anymore, is he?) has up her sleeve:
1. Oprah Reveals Her True Godlike Self
In the show’s final seconds, Oprah finally sheds her mortal casing—revealing her true, deific form in a moment of blinding religious rapture. She has 27 heads, each wearing a spectacular headdress, and 18 arms, all of which wave to us as she floats away to the Next World. It’s all very cool.
2. Oprah Gives Every Audience Member a Cloned Oprah
Everybody gets an Oprah!
3. Oprah Marries Steadman and Reveals She’s Pregnant with Quintuplets
Could there be any more satisfying way for Oprah to go out than for her to announce that she’s FINALLY decided to settle down and conform to traditional family values? Now she can!
4. Gayle and Oprah Rob a Liquor Store
There’s more than a little Thelma & Louise in Oprah and her best friend’s tried-and-true relationship. Watching them embark upon a five-state crime spree, at the end of which they clutch each other and fly off a cliff in a convertible 1966 Thunderbird, would be as fitting way to say goodbye as any.
5. Oprah Emulates the Final Episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show
On a bare soundstage, Oprah takes stock of all she’s accomplished over the last 25 years, before heading to the exit, glancing around wistfully, then flipping off the lights on the room in which it all happened. ... Nah. Too far-fetched.
Also! Watch Oprah pay homage to Oprah in this promo for the last three episodes, highlighting moments she’s been called out in pop culture. It goes back all the way to the Golden Girls!