Last Monday night, while watching a breathtaking fireworks display, I heard one woman behind me exclaim:
“Oh sh*t! I’m missing The Bachelorette!”
And INSTANTLY another voice chimed in with:
“Don’t worry girl, it's a rerun tonight.”
I hope you all enjoyed your July 4th! Last night's episode was worth the wait; the show came back strong with a glorious return to form PLUS a visit from Emily Maynard!
With five contestants left and hometown dates set for next week, the episodes ahead are certain to be exponentially better. No more cheesy competitions, no more big group dates, and no more criss-crossing Asia in a bus filled with crepe streamers, which has to be exciting for the guys.
Ashley’s first one-on-one date with Constantine was magical—how enchanting is it that the town of Pingxi paints lanterns, lights them from within with open-flame lamps, and then floats them up into the sky every year? I wonder if 20 miles down-wind there’s another village where every year around the same time fire and burnt lantern bits rain from the sky. Also, is Constantine secretly fat? Maybe it's just the visual comparison of standing next to tiny Ashley. But he might be wearing a girdle? Ashley is very pro-Constantine because he seems so “real”/ isn’t going out of his way to make her feel liked, and with her level of self-hatred, that seems so honest.
Also, Ashley needs to STOP cleaning her teeth with her tongue. I know she's a dental assistant and hyper-aware of her teeth, but in every shot of her “listening” to a guy she’s just rooting through her molars:
Ashley also had a one-on-one with Ben, who is in the lead and knows it. He started talking about their hometown date and she laughed at his cockiness, but girl, please—he lives on a VINEYARD! If there’s one house you must visit, it's the one with chardonnay coming out of the faucets. Ashley and Ben mentioned the “L-word” and engaged in a little reciprocal teeth cleaning—and good for you, Ashley. My only problem with Ben is that he has the hair of a first-year college student, the hair of a guy who finds it meaningful to play bongos in the quad. But he hasn’t worn a hemp necklace yet, so I’ll let it slide.
Ben didn’t return from their date until the next morning, and JP was throwing a fit, because he is seriously invested in the 45 minutes he and Ashley have spent together. When Ben finally came back in his collegiate bonnet, JP glowered at him, and I saw the hatred of a hard-workin’ man for a rich kid. I get that, JP.
The producers continued their streak of dreaming up the worst dates ever by masterminding a three-man group date where everyone dress up to take wedding photos, and JP continued pitching a fit. His tantrum, interestingly, was an exact parallel of Ashley’s behavior during the last group date on Brad’s Bachelor season. Remember the Sports Illustrated shoot where she held up cockle shells for a bra then sobbed into a cocktail, and Brad felt so horrible that he gave her the rose? Similarly, JP freaked out through the whole photo shoot and told her how jealous he felt, and Ashley gave him a rose. Insecure women love possessive guys. Yay cycle of co-dependency! Good times.
Also, I did not realize Ryan had never been on a one-on-one with Ashley! He was definitely a producer’s pick, and she was just avoiding dates with him like homework. During their first date last night, she let him prattle on about his business then gave him the heave-ho, even though she didn’t have to send him home on the date! Hilarious. They didn’t even limo him out of there, so I’m guessing she didn’t tell the producers her plans. Instead he had to walk down to a highway and get a taxi. Logistical nightmare! No wonder the producers are trying to break her soul.
Ashley also opted to not have a cocktail party and sent a surprised Lucas to packin’ up his saddlebags and headin’ on down the trail. Happier trails, hombre!
First of all, this woman is 25 years old, but she is dressed like Dolly Parton and she has gotten so tiny that I'm worried her head might crush her body. I loved Emily last season, she was a killer combination of smart, kind, and superb manners. Last night she leaned hard on her manners and told us a whole lot of nothing about Brad, except that she will always love him but that's not enough? They text all the time? She told her baby the paparazzi was following them because they thought she was Taylor Swift? Emily, get it together! Appearing on TV will only increase the number of photographers “hiding in the bushes,” and I thought it was hilarious that she trusted Chris Harrison with her story because “he won’t sell it.” Except for the thousands of dollars' worth of commercial airtime before and after your appearance, lady. Can we start teaching basic television economic structure in high schools? It's becoming more relevant than algebra, considering how many kids are on reality shows these days.
I’m not sure what Emily was doing on the show last night, besides channeling Dynasty fashion and making me worry about her, but I do suspect the show is setting her up to be the next Bachelorette. She's the ideal candidate: She’s gorgeous, she’s independent, she’s intimidatingly polished, and how rad would a single mom Bachelorette be? Plus, considering that Bentley is not yet on the cast list that's been announced for this August's Bachelor Pad, ABC very well might include him on her season, which would be EVIL and cause my head to spontaneously combust… in a good way. Emily did use his horrible "dot dot dot" phrase. I’m going to have to go breath into a paper bag. What do you think?
… Is ABC setting up Emily to be the next Bachelorette?
… Would Bentley be on that season like white on rice?
… Was Emily’s five minutes on camera more interesting than every episode of Ashley’s season on The Bachelorette so far?
…Is Constantine pleasantly plump or just big-boned?