For every John Locke, there's also a cray Japanese temple guardian—that's just the way television works. If every TV character was great, half of the internet would cease to exist, and the world would be a lot more boring. That's why we're paying whatever the opposite of a tribute is to some of this season's worst new TV characters, our way of honoring the yang after praising the yin with our recent list of the 12 best new TV characters of the fall.
I polled the TV.com writing drones for their take; you'll find the 10 suckers we came up with below. These characters aren't irredeemable, nor are they entirely loathsome, but for some reason or other we just can't deal with 'em. Also, a very special note: These aren't knocks on the actors, just the characters they play!
Pi (Myko Olivier) on Castle
At the start of the season, Pi was downright insufferable, imposing on people and being annoying and oblivious at every opportunity. But then he and Alexis moved in together, and all of a sudden Pi was kind of tolerable when the young lovebirds had Castle and Martha over for dinner? And now he's the reason Castle and Alexis are walking on eggshells with each other? Whatever, we're taking Castle's side in this fight: Pi and Alexis haven't known each other very long, and shacking up with him seems a bit out-of-character for Alexis, who is absolutely smarter than this. Plus, that mustache is the WORST. How long until he's gone and we can write a review with "Death of Pi" as the headline?
Jake Sanders (Mateus Ward) on Hostages
While most of the characters on Hostages were shoe-ins for a spot on this annual list of dishonor, we settled on Jake Sanders as the worst of
them. Jake not only had the least interesting "secret" of all his family members—he deals pot!—but he somehow managed to come off as a whiny,
self-centered teenager even in the face of all the shootings and
stabbings taking place in his house. Everything's all about Jake! So much so that the kid actually called home after he and Morgan escaped to flee to Canada, putting everyone at risk. Well
done, Jake, Well done.
Lizzie Samuels (Brighton Sharbino) on The Walking Dead
This annoying little squirt introduced herself to us by humanizing zombies, a big no-no in the when you're trying to survive a zombie apocalypse. She was naming zombies! And then she asked to be the one to kill her dying father and chickened out. And then after her father died, she went outside and mourned... the fact that "Nick" the zombie had died! This girl is clearly on crack, and we will be overjoyed when one of her "friends" eats her spleen. Hopefully she'll come back as a zombie so we can watch her get killed all over again.
Agent Ward (Brett Dalton) on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
To be fair, most of the characters on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. aren't all that developed yet, but Agent Grant Ward is probably the worst of the group. He's incredibly stiff and mechanical, he always tries to fix problems with his fists, and he doesn't have much of a personality. We're not quite sure yet, but he might also hate puppies. The verdict is still out on that last one, though.
Kimmie Boubier (Rebel Wilson) on Super Fun Night
There are a couple reasons to like Rebel Wilson's character in Super Fun Night: She's the underdog, and... ummm, actually, that's about it. But the show's attempt to make Kimmie likable through awkwardness and spontaneous singing hasn't worked at all, leaving the show with an underdog who we don't want to see win. She should just stay inside forever.
Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg) on Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Sure, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is one of the better new network comedies of the season, but that's not because of its main character, Jake Peralta. The perma-grinned hotshot of the B99 precinct collars plenty of crooks, but he does it with a level of arrogance that's usually reserved for sixth-grade class presidents. He's got an answer or a smirk for everything, and he's generally the only person who finds his quips funny. Cockiness and immaturity can be entertaining when managed correctly, but we're still waiting for this show to give him a badly needed slap of reality and bring him down to Earth. Terry Crews needs to put this guy in a headlock and flex.
Sara Hanley (Hannah Ware) on Betrayal
shlockiest soap had a spot reserved on this list from the get-go, but
we were only able to single out one character after much heated discussion. Congrats, philandering photographer Sara! As one half of the
sizzling fizzling romance at the center of the series, this gal is 50-percent responsible for one of its biggest faults. And as someone who has nothing to do with Betrayal's
big legal-murder-mystery, her role is little more than "cheating-wife
plot device and pervert with raging sexual fantasies to appease the 50 Shades
crowd." Finally, could her job as a photographer—which the show
continually reminds us is part of her character—be more boring? (Trick
Colette (Kim Dickens) on Sons of Anarchy
We love Kim Dickens (Treme, y'all!) but we cannot say the same for Colette, the madame of the Stockton-based whorehouse that SAMCRO is helping go legit. It's not that she's a bad person, it's that so far, she's a complete waste of a character who has no business being part of a show that already suffers under the weight of a populous ensemble cast. In the first episode of the season, she F'd Jax, and there were zero ramifications or developments to come out of that. Since then, she's become even less of a player, standing in the background and saying very little while the boys do all the talking. Colette is definitely a character who needed to spend a little more time in the writers' room.
Dracula (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) on Dracula
This isn't the fairest of entries, because it's really NBC's concept of the fanged one that's the stinky part, and the badness of it actually makes the show kind of fun. But with that said, it's almost impossible to separate the idea of Dracula Businessman from the Dracula we see on screen. The newest version of the king of vampires is living in Victorian-era London and posing as an American businessman so he can get into an energy-industry tussle with the members of the Order of the Dragon, who has a foothold in the oil business. To fight them, Dracula is working to bring clean, free, renewable energy powered by geomagnetism to the people. In the process, he also attempts hostile takeovers of his rivals' business by purchasing stock, to amass a majority share. Erm... whaaaaaaa? And that accent!
Everyone on Dads
We couldn't pick just one. Yep, naming the whole cast is a cop-out, but after debating which character was the worst for three days in a locked room, we eventually had to compromise.
Who are your least favorite new characters of the season?