Ah, summer, bearer of sunny days, balmy nights, and lots of reality TV. Here's what lies ahead (so far; we'll update the list as we find out more).
Tuesday, June 1
America's Got Talent Season 5 premiere, 8 p.m., NBC
Sure, America's got talent. It's also got lots of crazy people, and at least a few of them will appear, in costume, on this show. Also of note: The Hoff has signed off, but Howie Mandel joins Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan on the judges' panel this year.
Hell's Kitchen Season 7 premiere, 8 p.m., FOX
Here come the F-bombs.
One Big Happy Family Season 2 premiere, 9 p.m., TLC
From the network itself: "The Coles are back! Follow the fun-loving family on their journey of self-improvement as they attempt to lose weight."
Losing It with Jillian Series premiere, 10 p.m., NBC
The Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels will be spending her summer helping obese families across the country "transform their lives from the inside out." Maybe she should pay a visit to the Coles of One Big Happy Family.
The Little Couple Season 2 premiere, 10 p.m., TLC
The little lovebirds return for Round 2. This season, Bill and Jen will be building their dream home.
Wednesday, June 2
So You Think You Can Dance Wednesday-night shows begin, 8 p.m., FOX
Season 7 premiered on Thursday, May 27; starting tonight, the show also airs on Wednesdays, bringing its total number of weekly airtime hours to four.
Are We There Yet? Series premiere, 9 p.m., TBS
Based on the 2005 film of the same name, this family comedy picks up where the movie left off. It's also executive produced by Ice Cube, in case you care.
Toddlers and Tiaras Season 3 premiere, 10 p.m., TLC
New kids, new pageant moms, same old shit.
Tosh.0 Season 2 summer premiere, 10:30 p.m., COMEDY
Daniel Tosh, Lord of YouTube Navigation, is back to make fun of a bunch of stuff.
Thursday, June 3
Moonlight reruns, 9 p.m., CW
Re-live Alex O'Loughlin's short-lived run as a dreamy vampire. Imagine him kicking Edward Cullen's butt. Rejoice. Repeat.
Burn Notice, Season 4 premiere, 9 p.m., USA
Jeffrey Donovan is back as the smooth-talking, ass-kicking, sunglasses-wearing Michael Westen—and this season, he'll be competing with a few fresh faces for the title of Miami's sexiest spy. Burt Reynolds will guest-star as a legendary veteran spy, Robert Wisdom will play a spy working for the group that burned Michael, and Tim Matheson returns as "Dead" Larry Sizemore.
Royal Pains, Season 2 premiere, 10 p.m., USA
Here's hoping that Henry Winkler does for Royal Pains what he did for Happy Days, Arrested Development, and the rest of the TV shows he was on: He brought the awesome. Winkler will star as Eddie, Hank (Mark Feuerstein) and Evan's (Paulo Costanzo).
Friday, June 4
Flashpoint, Season 3 US premiere, 9 p.m., CBS (10 p.m. starting July 16)
When it comes to hockey, bacon, and Flashpoint, Canada wins. This high-intensity drama about cops in the Strategic Response Unit already aired its third season in Canada last year, but now the USA gets a turn.
Fabulous Cakes Series premiere, 10 p.m., TLC
Uh, give me one good reason why you wouldn't want to go behind the scenes at a bakery and learn how elaborate specialty cakes are made?
Saturday, June 5
Three Rivers Season 1 summer premiere, 8 p.m., CBS
By "premiere," we mean "burn-off period." Alex O'Loughlin's little medical show got cancelled, but he and his pretty face will be back in the fall for the Hawaii Five-O redux. Not to worry.
Sunday, June 6
Sons of Tucson Season 1 summer premiere , 7:30 p.m., FOX
FOX is burning off the remaining nine episodes of this short-lived sitcom from producer Justin Berfield. (Yep, Reese from Malcolm in the Middle.) Get your Tyler Labine fix while you still can!
Drop Dead Diva Season 2 premiere, 9 p.m., LIFETIME
Brooke Elliot is back, which is cool. Paula Abdul is also back, the coolness of which is still being decided.
Kate Plus 8 special episodes, 9 p.m. and 10 p.m., TLC
Has the suspense over what's been going on with Kate and the kids just been killing you? The wait is over: At 9 p.m., watch Kate plan a surprise trip to Orlando for the sextuplets' sixth birthday. At 10 p.m., go behind the scenes of Kate's newly single life.
The Hard Times of RJ Berger Series premiere, 11 p.m., MTV
Think of this as if it were the bastard child of Boy Meets World and Hung, but not quite as disturbing.
Monday, June 7
Lie to Me Season 2 summer premiere, 8 p.m., FOX
Six months is a long time to go without a Lie to Me fix. But Dr. Cal Lightman (Tim Roth) and his team of human lie detectors are ready and able to crack a whole new set of high-intensity cases in the second half of Season 2. And that's no lie.
Last Comic Standing Season 7 premiere, 8 p.m., NBC
The Office's Craig Robinson hosts this comedy competition. Get ready for LOLOL (Lots of Laughing Out Loud).
Persons Unknown Series premiere, 10 p.m., NBC
Thirteen strangers are forced to depend on each other for survival after find themselves stranded in a deserted town and under constant camera surveillance. Sucks for them, but hopefully entertaining for us.
Neighbors From Hell Series premiere, 10 p.m., TBS
TBS gets into the animation game with this 'toon about the Hellmans, a literal family from Hell that's been instructed by Satan to pose as earthlings and prevent humans from drilling into the underworld. Notable stars include Molly Shannon (who voices Tina, the matriarch) and Patton Oswalt (who voices Pazuzu, the family dog).
Tuesday, June 8
Pretty Little Liars, 8 p.m., ABC Family
Based on Sara Shepard's young-adult novel series of the same name, this new show follows a clique of four seemingly Jenny Humphrey-esque girls who drift apart after their queen bee disappears. Three years later, they begin to receive messages from an anonymous source who threatens to expose all their dirty little secrets. If I didn't like Lucy Hale so much, I'd totally write this one off.
Wednesday, June 9
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant Season 3 premiere, 9 p.m., TLC
Work of Art: The Next Great Artist Series premiere, 11 p.m., BRAVO
14 aspiring artists compete for the chance to win a cash prize and a solo show at a big-name national museum. As long as there is an Etch-a-Sketch duel in there somewhere, I'm game.
Thursday, June 10
Bethenny Getting Married Series premiere, 10 p.m., BRAVO
Doesn't Ms. Frankel realize that we don't care anymore?
Penn and Teller: Bullshit! Season 8 premiere, 10 p.m., SHO
The tall, talkative one and the short, silent one are back to clarify the vague, disprove the pseudoscientific, and, well, point out the bullshit.
The Green Room with Paul Provenza Series premiere, 10:30 p.m., SHO
Big-name comedians (including Drew Carey, Bob Saget, Andy Dick, and Eddie Izzard) sit around and try to one-up each other's punchlines while cracking wise about topics like politics, racism, and sex. We've seen the first few episodes; it's not as funny as it sounds.
Sunday, June 13
True Blood Season 3 premiere, 9 p.m., HBO
Can. Not. Wait.
Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami Season 2 premiere, 10 p.m., E!
Apparently they haven't taken Miami quite yet. But they have a new baby and a new husband between the two of them, so this season should be a little more interesting.
Holly's World Series premiere, 10:30 p.m., E!
Ever since Holly Madison left The Girls Next Door, the show just ain't what it used to be. But at least she's got her own reality gig now.
Tuesday, June 15
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List Season 6 premiere, 9 p.m., BRAVO
This season, Kathy gets a pap smear, receives acting lessons from Liza Minnelli, and may or may not have lunch with Ryan Seacrest. No word yet on whether room has been made for her on the C-List.
Double Exposure Series premiere, 10 p.m., BRAVO
Photographers Markus Klinko and Indriani and stylist GK Reid host this behind-the-scenes documentary series about fashion and celebrity photography. Okay, that sounds pretty cool.
Wednesday, June 16
Top Chef Season 7 premiere, 9 p.m., BRAVO
More slicin' and dicin'.
Hot in Cleveland Series premiere, 10 p.m., TVLand
Betty White continues her comeback as a spunky landlady to three gals who move from L.A. to Cleveland after realizing that midwesterners think they're hot.
Friday, June 18
Battle of the Wedding Designers Series premiere, 10 p.m., TLC
Apparently, wedding designers du ke it out for the chance to plan couples' dream weddings. I'm hoping the "battle" part of the title is taken literally and that there are swords and chain mail involved.
Sunday, June 20
The Gates Series premiere, 9 p.m., ABC
The Gates may seem like just another picturesque suburban neighborhood. But "picturesque" can only go so far on TV: Apparently there's a pretty haunting secret lurking behind the, uh, Gates, so new police chief Nick Monahan (Frank Grillo) is really going to have his work cut out for him—especially once he starts investigating the history of his house and the supernatural mysteries of the community. Here's hoping the show gets off to a better start than Happy Town...
Scoundrels Series premiere, 10 p.m., ABC
This new dramedy, based on New Zealand's Outrageous Fortune, follows a family of criminals who decide to clean up their act after their father goes to jail. Virginia Madsen stars as matriarch Cheryl West, along with David James Elliott as Wolf, Patrick Flueger as Cal, Leven Rambin as Heather, and Vanessa Marano as Hope.
Leverage Season 3 premiere, 9 p.m., TNT
Season 3 opens with Nate in prison and Sterling working for Interpol; the first two Sundays of the season feature back-to-back episodes at 9 p.m. and 10 p.m.
The Real L Word Series premiere, 10 p.m., SHO
Whereas The L Word was about fake lesbians, The Real L Word is about real lesbians.
Monday, June 21
Inedible to Incredible Series premiere, 10 & 10:30 p.m., TLC
You know how you have that one friend who thinks they can cook but they can't cook at all? This show is like What Not to Wear, except for those people. Chefs give them recipe makeovers, and then they stop poisoning their families.
Tuesday, June 22
Wipeout Season 3 premiere, 8 p.m., ABC
The popular competition show returns with crazier obstacles and themed episodes like “Ladies Night” and “Family Edition.” Each week, 24 contestants attempt to win the title of “Wipeout Champion” and the $50,000 grand prize. SportsCenter's John Anderson, Talk Soup's John Henson, and Jill Wagner all host.
HawthoRNe Season 2 premiere, 9 p.m., TNT
Jada Pinkett Smith returns as Nurse Christina Hawthorne, a.k.a. another one of TNT's Strong Female Lead Characters. You go, girl. Try not to overact this time.
Memphis Beat Series premiere, 10 p.m., TNT
Tennessee gets its very own cop show! My Name Is Earl's Jason Lee stars as Dwight Hendricks, a blues-loving detective whose relaxed style of police work bothers his by-the-book boss (Three Rivers' Alfre Woodard).
Thursday, June 24
Rookie Blue Series premiere, 9 p.m., ABC
Yep, another new cop show. This one follows of five straight-from-the-Academy newbies as they plunge into the world of big-city law enforcement. Missy Peregrym stars as Andy McNally, Gregory Smith as Dov Epstein, Charlotte Sullivan as Gail Peck, Enuka Okuma as Traci Nash, and Travis Milne as Chris Diaz.
Boston Med Series premiere, 10 p.m., ABC
This eight-hour documentary series, filmed at several Boston-area hospitals, picks up where 2008's Hopkins left off and tells the stories of doctors, nurses, and patients as they go about their days.
Futurama, Season 6 premiere, 10 p.m., COMEDY
At long last, the show resurfaces with new episodes on Comedy Central.
Sunday, June 27
Entourage Season 7 premiere, 10 p.m., HBO
Ari and the gang return to continue wearing out their TV welcomes.
Hung Season 2 premiere, 10:30 p.m., HBO
Yep, the show about Ray Drecker (Thomas Jane), the guy with the huge pecker, got picked up for another season. [Insert more penis jokes here!]
Tuesday, June 29
Downfall Series premiere, 9 p.m., ABC
Contestants on this new game show must answer a series of trivia questions from the top of a tall building while racing against the clock. If they answer all the questions correctly, they stand to win a million dollars in cash and prizes. If they don't, their hopes and dreams will be thrown off the top of that aforementioned building. Literally.
Louie Series premiere, 11 p.m., FX
This much-anticipated new series stars comedian Louis C.K. and centers on his hectic life as a successful stand-up and newly single father raising his two daughters in New York.