Chris Rock

Chris: No one wants to sleep with me. Girls are like, 'I want you to read this book.' It's never, 'We should go to a hotel.'

Chris: I had a one minute part in this movie I'm Gonna Get You Sucka (1988) and its probably the most memorable role I've ever had. People still come up to me and mention it. This just goes to show you that it's not the size of the role that counts, it's what you do with it.

Chris: My father was a strict disciplinarian. Whenever I said I just wanted to be somewhere early, he would say: 'There's no such thing as early, it's just on time and late'.

Chris: Being a comedian is sort of like being a psychic. You tell us three things about yourself and we'll tell you three more things you didn't know.

Chris: It's my responsibility to rock the house every single time. No matter what.

Chris: I wanted to be the president of the United States, that was my dream growing up. But my parents said that I might get shot in the head.

Chris: If you've never wanted to kill your mate, you've never been in love.

Chris: Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.

Chris: Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Chris: No one goes to Hooters for wings.

Chris: Right now, my job is like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Chris: Do you know what the good side of crack is? If your'e up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

Chris: Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. He is such a loser, he wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special!

Chris: Actually I think that all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first, but no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear, why isn't a Presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

Chris: People want comedians to be funny. I mean I love Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but it aint a better performance than Dumb & Dumber. I can do serios role sometimes on other people's movies but not in my own. I don't want to ask my fans to come and not laugh at me. 'Hey, let's go watch Chris Rock not be funny!'

Chris: A man is basically as faithful as his options.

Chris: Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Chris: Why do people do yoga? To clear their minds? I embrace the clutter in my head.

Chris: I had a little girl. She's a year old and she smokes now. The kids aren't going to listen to you so you gotta try reverse psychology with the kids, so I give her cigarettes and I give her crack with the hope that some day she will reject all of this.

Chris: You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

Chris: Only thing I know about Africa is that it's far far away. A 35 hour flight. Imagine the boat ride. The boat ride is so long that there's still slaves on their way here!

Chris: If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

Chris: I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Chris: Jim Carrey makes $20 million a movie. I make a weird face when they tell me I have to pay $8.50 to see one.

Chris: They don't grade fathers, but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up!