Dane Cook

Dane: (on his dislike of the promotional poster for 'My Best Friend's Girl') The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the Bell's Palsy thing here?

Dane Cook: So we're sitting there and we're ready for the cinematic adventure to begin and of course something happens to you girls, some kind of pungent deliciousness is floating through the air and goes up your nostrils and you just turn to us out of the blue. (Imitates a girl) Hey, im thinking i want some treats. And we're almost a little put off 'cause we just asked you.Ohh...okay. i thought you didn't want anything.(Imitates a girl)No i didn't want anything then, now i want something delicious! And i love this girls you always have to ask 'cause we're going to get whatever it is 'cause we offered. I'll go get it what do you want? "What do you want?!" That's what we say and there is always a long pause and then you finally go(Imitates a girl) uhmmm...What do they have? They've got a f***ing main lobster. What do you think they have out there? They have the same bull**** they've had since '55! Popcorn and sodypop let's gooo! Now you're girls get specific. (Imitates a girl) Uhm i wanna get uhm gummy fish and do they have the chocolate coins in the aluminum? And an icey! An icey in a bamboo cup, bamboo 'cause its not as cold on my hands. And uhm oh! You know the cheese that comes with the nachos? Just the cheese. No i don't need the nachos, just the cheese, just the cheese. And then you go like this. (Imitates a girl) Is that too much? Uhm.. no, no, my hopes was that after you left the theater you'd be obese! Are you sure you don't want anything else you big fat fatty?! I wish my grandmother would die right now so i could get the inheritance money to pay for all this. I'll be right back.

Dane Cook: So you're sitting there, and you start reading, you start reading all this...AHHH! The most negative ignorant crap and no it's not just written its carved! (Pretends to carve) Who the hell is sitting there like (yells) damn jews! Pfft...blacks!! AHHHH! And this is my favorite, someone always writes MIKE WAS HERE. and then someone else puts an arrow and writes mike is a fa***t. Then mike comes back and says what the hell! I was here but i'm not a fa***t!