Dane Cook


Dane Cook Trivia


  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Dane: (on his dislike of the promotional poster for 'My Best Friend's Girl') The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the Bell's Palsy thing here?

    • Dane Cook: So we're sitting there and we're ready for the cinematic adventure to begin and of course something happens to you girls, some kind of pungent deliciousness is floating through the air and goes up your nostrils and you just turn to us out of the blue. (Imitates a girl) Hey, im thinking i want some treats. And we're almost a little put off 'cause we just asked you.Ohh...okay. i thought you didn't want anything.(Imitates a girl)No i didn't want anything then, now i want something delicious! And i love this girls you always have to ask 'cause we're going to get whatever it is 'cause we offered. I'll go get it what do you want? "What do you want?!" That's what we say and there is always a long pause and then you finally go(Imitates a girl) uhmmm...What do they have? They've got a f***ing main lobster. What do you think they have out there? They have the same bull**** they've had since '55! Popcorn and sodypop let's gooo! Now you're girls get specific. (Imitates a girl) Uhm i wanna get uhm gummy fish and do they have the chocolate coins in the aluminum? And an icey! An icey in a bamboo cup, bamboo 'cause its not as cold on my hands. And uhm oh! You know the cheese that comes with the nachos? Just the cheese. No i don't need the nachos, just the cheese, just the cheese. And then you go like this. (Imitates a girl) Is that too much? Uhm.. no, no, my hopes was that after you left the theater you'd be obese! Are you sure you don't want anything else you big fat fatty?! I wish my grandmother would die right now so i could get the inheritance money to pay for all this. I'll be right back.

    • Dane Cook: So you're sitting there, and you start reading, you start reading all this...AHHH! The most negative ignorant crap and no it's not just written its carved!
      (Pretends to carve)
      Who the hell is sitting there like
      damn jews! Pfft...blacks!! AHHHH!
      And this is my favorite, someone always writes MIKE WAS HERE. and then someone else puts an arrow and writes mike is a fa***t. Then mike comes back and says what the hell! I was here but i'm not a fa***t!

    • Dane Cook: Monopoly, theres another little game. We had Monopoly, everybody had it. No one liked it, even if you thinked you liked the game you didn't. And it's simple why, ok. Cause this is anyone here 2 and a half hours into a game of Monopoly, ready?... "F*** THIS GAME! It's 4 in the morning grandma, YOU WIN!

    • Dane Cook: I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

    • Dane Cook: (on his phone sex prowess) My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

    • Dane: Oh No! Naughty, Naughty, Kool Aid!

    • Dane Cook: The movie "Dune" is in my choclatey drink.I don't like when the movie "Dune" is in my drink!

    • Dane Cook: You remember jellies, you get a rock in them it's like "OOOOH!"


    • Dane Cook: This would be the ultimate worst. What if you dove in the pool, and while you were at the bottom of the pool, freaking out, somebody poured oil on the surface, and lit it on fire. Then you're like "AHHHH!" You have to keep swimming around, feeling for a spot with no fire. Then, what if you found a circle where there was no fire, but the second you came up, a big dude just punched you in the face. "GET BACK IN THE FIRY WATER! YOU DON'T COME OUT OF THE FIRY WATER!"

    • Dane Cook: You have to hold your hand out, cuz the steam makes you angry. Try to bring your hand in, "ooh! I hate steam! Whoever invented steam sucks!"

    • Dane Cook: You know, you're makin some soup, or some oodles of noodles or something, or cookin up some CRACK!

    • Dane: Don't touch me you drink!

    • Dane Cook: How did Mary die? She got hit in the face by a tire!

    • Dane Cook: Its 1:45... in the afternoon baby! That's like 5 and a half hours late. I'm just staring at the clock hoping its gonna sprout little legs and be like "I'm just a stupid clock, playing stupid clock games. Let me set it back. Te-hee." Don't play stupid clock games clock!

    • Dane Cook: Officer, I wanted to let you know that if it helps with your investigation, I was in my kitchen, and I heard it, so I came out. I will testify in court, I was cleaning a dish. I will bring the dish as exhibit A. This guy, he was in his basement! Tell him what you told me. That's not what he told me!

    • Dane Cook: It doesn't matter where in the country you are, why is it that when you walk into a public restroom why is everything f***ing wet?

    • Dane Cook: There can only be one highlander!

    • Dane Cook: Sir, please get your putter out of the whale's a**. This is not a funhouse! It may look like a funhouse, but it is a place of minituiare business.

    • Dane Cook: Oh! You're a f**got!

    • Dane Cook: And all the kids would drink out of him, after, debris fell in his open, dumb head. He was like "o-yaaaaaaaaaaa!" If that was me I'd be like "o-no!" You fix that wall before my dad gets home because he's not going to believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came through here.

    • Dane Cook: I will kick you in the tights and you will go down. You're very top heavy!

    • Dane: One thing that I've always wanted to do every since I was little, I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I'd just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light. {Screams} That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for YOU. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts ... you're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute?

    • Dane Cook: April 15th, 2006 is the day my 16 year journey took me to new heights. I finally accomplished my most personal goal. To return to Boston and film my very own HBO Special. 2 sold out shows. 18,000 seats filled. 36,000 people sat around my center stage setup and what happened next was a once in a lifetime event.

      Until you have a chance to see it debut on HBO just know that I poured 16 years of desire into those performances. I've already seen some of the footage and I was in awe. It looks like a dream.

      I have to thank everyone involved with this night. The fans first off. You brought this show out of me and put this show in me! All the people on my team, many with me for a decade. My family. I love you guys and it was emotional seeing you all around me after the gig. HBO for trusting me and letting me do it my way. My friends. Bobby, Al, Jay(s), Gary -- for taking the time out of your busy careers. The whole crew for your time and effort. The stage looked f-ing awesome SperFinger to you all.

      Were there some f-ups? Yup. Some sound issues, crazed fans rushing the stage? Yes - but it all was a part of the adventure but you all stayed patient and we worked through it. In the end its all going to cut together like a dream and you will be proud to say you were there I promise. The first show was an hour and a half and the second show two hours and thirty minutes!

      I've got so many things up my short sleeve. If you think this is the peak you're wrongified. This was the place I needed to get to. Where I could look out and know I or anyone can get whatever we want if we just work insanely hard towards it. To trust your vision.

    • Dane: If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do NOTHING. To just lay there and go, "I can't do ANYTHING!! I can't even have an English MUFFIN!"

    • Dane: I didn't want to call it Burger King either 'cause like you know so I use to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like where do you work? I was like work down at the BK Lounge, I'm a bouncer at the BK Lounge. Can we get in? Not without coups, not without coups baby.

    • Dane: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!! OH GOD! WHY! WHY DID YOU STOP AT A LEGAL RED LIGHT AND LET ME HIT YOU DOING 80!?!??!!

    • Dane: Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? Its gotta be so hot.

    • Dane: Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche!

    • Dane: Slip and Slide! Would have been fun if Dad checked for rocks before he laid it down. Slip and Bleed from the aaaaanus they should have called it. Good thing I had that pad.

    • Dane: One brother, five sisters. Dude, I had to wear a tampon just to fit in.

    • Dane: You know what I hate, the one thing I hated growing up more than anything else. I hated being tickled. Tickling is the worst. 'Cause it started off fun- right haha lets tickle start out fun ended horribly. Didn't it always escalate the same way first you be like "Hahahahaa, COME ON! Hahahaha, I CAN'T BREATHE! I CAN'T BREATHE! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! I'M GONNA THROW UP!" And they couldn't stop they were like, "Hahaha, I DON"T CARE!" I had to punch my grandmother in the chest to get her off me.

    • Dane: We were so poor growing up, that little iron...we had to actually use that little iron. That's not funny. It takes a long time to iron a shirt with that tiny little iron. {Monopoly}

    • Dane: Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car...NAILED!

    • Dane: Yea I'll just have the Colonel's Chicken Fun Pack...Just the fun pack please!

    • Dane: I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times 'cause they said they thought he had a grenade. He was eating a pear! How do you f**k that up? Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"

    • Dane: The tire flies into the stands hits a woman in the face and when you first saw it you were like ooooooohhhh that tire just hit the woman in the in the face! Oh good there show it again look look look look at this right here slow it down yeah thats when it hits her in the face.

    • Dane: I was the only guy in the eighth grade wearing Wrangler Jeans... and Jellies!

    • Dane: A guy came to my show one night and he was really hammered, and he was sitting in the front row. Just being all despondent and mumbling to himself, and he whipped out the most brilliant line. I couldn't believe it, this drunk guy just blurted it out and it was amazing, I wanted to write it down and put it in a movie. I looked down at the guy, and I said "Listen dude, what's the matter with you?" and he waved me off, so I was like "What's your problem?" And he stood up, and he kicked his chair back, and 300 people got really quiet. And he goes, "I HAVE SEVEN PROBLEMS... AND YOU'RE FIVE OF THEM!"

    • Dane: No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst.. when you think you're drowning. Like during the summer, you know, you're like at a pool party or something... "I'm gonna go in the deep end, watch my dive. Watch my dive." Right, and then you dive in. And the second you get to the bottom you're like, "GET ME OUTTA HERE! WHERE'S THE SURFACE?!!" And you always come up under the kid on the raft. "Ohhh! Jesus Christ, Timmy! Do not float above me when I am dying in the abyss!.. Your son almost killed me with his uh, Daffy Duck raft over here, John. Your son tried to murder me in your pool.. Float away from me! Float away!

    • Dane: Here's an example of a woman who was too optimistic with me recently. I was walking by a shoe store, and I looked in the window, and I see a pair of boots that I want in my life, OK so I walk in and I say to the women working there "Hi, excuse me. Hey, do you have these boots in a 12?" this is what she does, she looks at me very optimistically and goes "ummm let me take a peek" That's what she said by the way, "let me take a peek" I'm like "yeah while you're at it, look around don't just glimpse, I want these boots..move a box if you have to" She goes into the back, when she comes out shes super optimistic and shes holding a boot she walks right up to me and says '..we have it in a 9!!' "Really? do you guys also have a bone saw anywhere near by? Tell you what, just run at me really fast and jam that sucker right on my hoof. Do you guys have a time machine to send me back to the 7th grade when those fit my feet?"

    • Dane: You know when he's 50, he's gonna be like,One day a man ran up to me. I did not know this man. He smashed my treat into my eyes, and he pointed and said, You F-ING REMEMBER ME FOREVER! But I did not say f-ing. I did not say that. He added f-ing to make the story more intense and interesting. He deserves to have ice cream smashed in and around his eyes, because he's a lying 50-year-old man.

    • Dane: I wanna be a fireman! I didn't really wanna be a fireman--I thought I did. I just wanted to spray sh*t with a hose. That's what I really wanted to do. I wanted to be a like sprayman, -no! I was f*ckin' good, I'm not laughing! I was really good with a hose. I could make it feel like it was raining-if you closed your eyes you'd think it was raining--THAT'S how good I was. You'd be like '"Oh my God, it is really raining, it's very cold rain.'... If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, f*ck that, I quit! I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everybody else and the woman next to me would be like 'PLEASE! MY SON! HE'S SCREAMING IN THERE!" and I'd be like 'Well he's probably on fire. That's what happens when you're on fire lady-- What are you doing out here. You f*ckin' think-for-yourselfer! why didn't you make a map for him or something!"

    • Dane: I grew up Catholic, Catholic. Every Sunday, every Sunday my dad made us get up and go to mass and you had to get there what? Quarter of five in the morning. Ya know because you wanted good seats. There were so many things to remember to when you got there, there was like little moves. Nobody knew the moves. Nobody knew. Like what was that one? Nobody knew, nobody looked at eachother what is this? Try to make it up as you go. It was Peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And the only reason you knew peace was coming because the priest would say peace five times rapid fire. He'd go, "And the peaceful disciple said 'My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. As we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And he said I have a piece of lint in my peaceful EYE!'" But you know what you were doing while he was doing his little 'peace' rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church and you were like 'Naw, f**k that guy.' 'No, here he comes. No peace be with you. I'm all set. Peace be with you--*slaps hand* I said I'm all set, I'm doing my thing. I got a lot of people. PEACE OFF! Peace be with you--don't let go. You do not let go of me!'

    • Dane: In the year 3000, everything will be instant. But the DMV will still take like 9 f**kin' seconds. 9 SECONDS? COME ON!!! I GOTTA BE AT WORK IN 3 SECONDS!!!

    • Dane: This would be the ultimate full circle slap in the face of the United States... What if this happens, because look we are the greatest country on Earth but we get a little cocky from time to time. If we don't like the way your country's doing its business, we'll kick the door in, "Hey, hey knock it off, you're bugging the world, cut it out. And if you don't listen to us we'll throw all kinds of weapons and crazy **** at cha', which we always apololigize about using twenty or thirty years later. Listen we're really sorry about that, we were a little drunk at the time and we got a little rambunchious, the bomb we didn't know it was going to do that, we thought it was a contained blast and we didn't know it would make everything blown to smitherines. And you were being kind of a bitch. Country! {snap} Country! {snap} you are being kind of a *****. Are we cool now and mind if we leave like three or four thousand troops and maybe some supplies here do ya, DO YA MIND. You wouldn't want us to get drunk again would ya! High five us, photo opt, FA-CHINK! [camera sound]. We get a little cocky....what if when the mothership comes over middle America and we are all sitting watching TV, all the news crews are just focusing on there watching, right, what if one of the hatches finally open, out of the UFOs come thousands of 100 foot Native American Indians. We're gonna be watching like '**** those are huge Indians, please tell me they aren't giant Indians, Goddamnit they're huge Indians, alright good game America, we had some fun huh.' Hi Giant Indians, we did some sh*t and ahhh..... Could you show us how to make giant corn?!

    • Dane: Did sharks like get together and go,Let's start attacking people. A guy in the news, again, the other day. A couple days ago, he got bit by a shark. The shark let him go. He was telling the story, they brought him back to the beach. Which is just where he wants to f-ing be, anywhere near the ocean again. And the news reporter was like, "What happened? Why did the shark attack you? Were you taunting it? Yeah, I go in the sea sometimes just to f*** around with the sharks. I have this thing called a Shark Rocket and I shoot it at them. And it really annoys them. And then I just wade there in the water and they come at me. But I'm really good at eluding them. I know this hip move, it's something porpoises do and I then I pretend that I have a bottleneck and I stab them in the gills. And it really is effective......
      How did you get away? I just punched it and it let me go. Let's recap this. A f-ing shark come throught the water...right and this guy...Hey! The f-ing shark goes over to this guy...bites, this guy punches it in the face and a shark goes ALRIGHT! And tell me there's no time in your life when you swim faster than when a f-ing shark lets you go.

    • Dane: I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff, ... They would be like, Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.

    • Dane: I had that game Operation, remember that game Operation? Big naked white guy. He had no pee-pee at all,he had no p-cock, no scromdiliomcious, he had no cash and prizes. He was like that guy from that movie Silence of the Lambs, remember he tucked it in?

    • Dane: The next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are... S**t on the coats. Guarunteed at some point somebody is going to walk out of the room and go "someone has s**t on the coats". Thats the only thing you can say when someone s**ts on the coats. They MIGHT say "I think someone s**t on the coats" but you know.

    • Dane: You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

    • Dane: I've always wanted to uppercut a punkass and send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it.

    • Dane Cook: Drowning sucks.

    • Dane Cook: I always wanted to be a snake. Everytime I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say WHY NOT ME?

    • Dane: Some sounds, when they hit you, they just make you want to punch a baby? God help you if you're in a nursery! You'll go on a baby-punching tangent! GOD HELP ME! IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS!

    • Dane: I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

    • Dane Cook: I talk to the screen a lot at movies. I talk so much the black people behind me are like shhhh!!

    • Dane Cook: Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourslef cry (crying noises) but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

    • Dane Cook: Sometimes I like a dancing plethora of cheese in my mouth. And then other times, I'm into a more solo cheese adventure, just a single one-on-one, me and one cheese. Yet sometimes, I want an orgy of cheese on my palette.

    • Dane Cook: I haven't seen a good horror movie in a long time. When we were kids movies were SCARY. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain...I'm lathering one side at a time.

    • Dane Cook: Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

    • Dane Cook: I'm late for what I hate!...Dammit I am late I hate that I'm like Nostradamus and predict that I'm late. I hate it-foreseeing lateness!!

    • Dane Cook: My brother Daryl, he's the manager and I'm like this is going to be awesome because my bro, manager, is going to hook me up, he was a ****! He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying. He sucked! He would put me on drive through every single night.

    • Dane Cook: As I'm driving,..I'm driving safely..I'm obeying the rules....of the road. What ever signs come at me I say OK....you got it...sign.

    • Dane Cook: When people refer to 'Back in the Day', it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for ya. Take that home, chew on it. It's delicious.

    • Dane Cook: When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

    • Dane Cook: My brain is so fantastical.

    • Dane Cook: I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

    • Dane Cook: ... and you can quote me on the quote unquote.

    • Dane Cook: I have a new saying, what I see in vegas, I am telling everybody.

    • Dane Cook: I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"

    • Dane Cook: Suck My Back!