David Sedaris

David (On touring for his books): If I go on this tour and nobody makes a sound throughout the whole story, then I'll probably go backstage afterward and kill myself. I so admire people who can get up and read serious things, because, to me, if the audience isn't making noise, I'm convinced that they're not listening.

David: My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.

David (On Ira Glass of "This American Life"): I owe everything to Ira. My life just changed completely, like someone waved a magic wand.

David (On Being a Humor Writer): People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?'

David: The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.

David: I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. Sometimes I have gay characters and sometimes I don't. I think it's harder if you're gay to just be known as a writer instead of being known as a gay writer. But personally I would rather be known as a writer rather than be segregated to that little corner of the bookstore.

David: Sometimes I worry that I never really advanced beyond adolescence. Anything that is grotesque, anything that is scatological -- I'm right there.