Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin


5/25/1973, Toms River, New Jersey

Birth Name



Also Known As

Demitri Martin
  • Demetri Martin on Important Things with ...
  • Demetri Martin on Important Things with ...
  • Demetri Martin on Important Things with ...
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out of 10
User Rating
52 votes


Demetri Martin began his career in comedy when he dropped out of law school. After graduating from Yale College, Demetri headed to NYU School of Law with a full scholarship. When he realized that law school was boring, Demetri started doing stand-up across the street at the Boston…more


Trivia and Quotes

  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Demetri Martin: If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

    • Demetri Martin: Saying I'm sorry is the same as saying I apologize. Except at a funeral.

    • Demetri Martin: Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

    • Demetri Martin: People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.

    • Demetri Martin: Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type lol. I type lqtm: laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

    • Demetri Martin: I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, Does he bite? She said No. And I said, Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?...liar.

    • Demetri Martin: Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

    • Demetri Martin: I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

    • Demetri Martin: I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote Jesus on it.

    • Demetri Martin: I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like huh? What the hell is this?, but if it's in a fruit basket you're like this is nice!

    • Demetri Martin: I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

    • Demetri Martin: My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

    • Demetri Martin: A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

    • Demetri Martin: About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.

    • Demetri Martin: I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.

    • Demetri Martin: (flipping over a piece of paper on an easel) This is a pie chart of my procrastination.

    • Demetri Martin: If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

    • Demetri Martin: Some guy looked at me from a far away distance gave me a smile. He started running twords me, looked at me, and said, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."

    • Demetri Martin: I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'

    • Demetri Martin: A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

    • Demetri Martin: My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

    • Demetri Martin: The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

    • Demetri Martin: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

    • Demetri Martin: Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

    • Demetri Martin: If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

    • Demetri Martin: I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

    • Demetri Martin: I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana ... keep going. Bananana ... damn.

    • Demetri Martin: When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.

    • Demetri Martin: I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

    • Demetri Martin: I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

    • Demetri Martin: I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such...a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out...and I have pants. Perfect!

    • Demetri Martin: I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

    • Demetri Martin: I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

    • Demetri Martin: I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figured it out: 'Cool' is all about leather sleeves. (flips sketch pad to cue card that says "I own leather sleeves")

    • Demetri Martin: I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

    • Demetri Martin: Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

    • Demetri Martin: I see cards that say 'Get Well Soon.' **** that. Get well now.

    • Demetri Martin: There are so many sentences where when you follow with 'sort of,' it's just not right... 'You're gonna live,' 'I love you,' 'It's a boy!'

    • Demetri Martin: If I wake up, and I'm naked, I have to check my surroundings. I look to my left, 'Oh she's cute.' I look to my right, 'What's he doing here?'

    • Demetri Martin: When I wake up in the morning, I have to check my clothing. If I'm in my pyjamas I think 'Okay. This is good. I planned this.'

    • Demetri Martin: I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize.'