Demetri Martin


Demetri Martin Trivia


  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Demetri Martin: If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

    • Demetri Martin: Saying I'm sorry is the same as saying I apologize. Except at a funeral.

    • Demetri Martin: Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

    • Demetri Martin: People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.

    • Demetri Martin: Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type lol. I type lqtm: laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

    • Demetri Martin: I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, Does he bite? She said No. And I said, Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?...liar.

    • Demetri Martin: Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

    • Demetri Martin: I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

    • Demetri Martin: I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote Jesus on it.

    • Demetri Martin: I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like huh? What the hell is this?, but if it's in a fruit basket you're like this is nice!

    • Demetri Martin: I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

    • Demetri Martin: My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

    • Demetri Martin: A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

    • Demetri Martin: About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.

    • Demetri Martin: I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.

    • Demetri Martin: (flipping over a piece of paper on an easel) This is a pie chart of my procrastination.

    • Demetri Martin: If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

    • Demetri Martin: Some guy looked at me from a far away distance gave me a smile. He started running twords me, looked at me, and said, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."

    • Demetri Martin: I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'

    • Demetri Martin: A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

    • Demetri Martin: My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

    • Demetri Martin: The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

    • Demetri Martin: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

    • Demetri Martin: Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

    • Demetri Martin: If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

    • Demetri Martin: I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

    • Demetri Martin: I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana ... keep going. Bananana ... damn.

    • Demetri Martin: When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.

    • Demetri Martin: I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

    • Demetri Martin: I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

    • Demetri Martin: I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such...a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out...and I have pants. Perfect!

    • Demetri Martin: I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

    • Demetri Martin: I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

    • Demetri Martin: I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figured it out: 'Cool' is all about leather sleeves. (flips sketch pad to cue card that says "I own leather sleeves")

    • Demetri Martin: I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

    • Demetri Martin: Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

    • Demetri Martin: I see cards that say 'Get Well Soon.' **** that. Get well now.

    • Demetri Martin: There are so many sentences where when you follow with 'sort of,' it's just not right... 'You're gonna live,' 'I love you,' 'It's a boy!'

    • Demetri Martin: If I wake up, and I'm naked, I have to check my surroundings. I look to my left, 'Oh she's cute.' I look to my right, 'What's he doing here?'

    • Demetri Martin: When I wake up in the morning, I have to check my clothing. If I'm in my pyjamas I think 'Okay. This is good. I planned this.'

    • Demetri Martin: I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize.'