Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller: (On Bill and Hillary Clinton) You know, their marriage couldn't be any more of a convenience if they installed a Slim Jim container and Slurpee machine at the foot of their twin beds.

Dennis Miller: I have upon occasion been labeled the E. B. White of the word fuck, but you have to admit I went through an entire football season without saying it. Take it from a connoisseur, it should be used sparingly, like saffron in a fucking paella.

Dennis Miller: while show business from the outside may seem like a nonstop whirlwind of gorgeous people, fabulous clothes, sparkling parties, and spectacular homes, the reality is…exactly that. Sorry folks. I wish I had some balm to soothe you, but I don't. It's fucking awesome.

Dennis Miller: 9-11 changed me, I'm shocked that it didn't change the whole country, frankly.

Dennis Miller: I'm basically a libertarian. I'm pro-gay marriage and pro-choice, but nobody wants to hear all that...They determine who you are based on the war.

Dennis Miller: Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Dennis Miller: Bureaucracy is out of control. Bureaucracy is out of control. Bureaucracy is out of control. I'm sorry, they made me give that to you in triplicate.

Dennis Miller: Travelling for work is a bitch. I always get stuck in the metal detector line behind the piercing-addict kid.

Dennis Miller: Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

Dennis Miller: Al D'Amato is a waste of an apostrophe.

Dennis Miller: We've got more security at Border's Bookstores than we do at the actual border.

Dennis Miller: I used to be skeptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

Dennis Miller: [Michael Moore's] going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he's the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name, okay?

Dennis Miller: Dan Quayle's head is emptier than a jack-in-the-box in downtown Seattle. He shouldn't been the second-in-command to the Hakawi tribe from F Troop, much less the most powerful nation on the face of this planet.

Dennis Miller: This guy makes Max Cady look like Atticus Finch. Pat Buchanan is so homophobic that he blames global warming on The AIDS Quilt.

Dennis Miller: Al Gore, there's some stiff body language, huh? The guy makes Ed Sullivan look like an autofellatio freak.

Dennis Miller: Bill Gates is just a white Persian cat and a monocle away from being a villain in a Bond movie.

Dennis Miller: [T]he man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, 'You mean I'm not going to prison?

Dennis Miller: The Pentagon admitted the Iraqi was never given an identification number and that the Red Cross was never notified about his capture. However, [Defense Secretary] Donald Rumsfeld claims the prisoner has been treated in accordance with Geneva Conventions, including regular conjugal visits with his favorite goat.

Dennis Miller: We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

Dennis Miller: And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

Dennis Miller: Shawn Eckardt's head is emptier than an Oktoberfest in downtown Miami.

Dennis Miller: I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

Dennis Miller: I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Dennis Miller: I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first they, like, infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with friends.

Dennis Miller: The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.