Ellen DeGeneres

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    • (During her monologue on sunburns, on her show 06)
      Ellen: I am not blushing, this is a burn. I feel like I'm standing in a frying pan right now. (audience laughs) Not even in a frying pan. I feel like I'm sitting in fire I can't imagine--I feel like I am fire. I don't know how fire can do it all the time because it must be---hot to be fire. (audience laughs) Um…oh man, which is why I'm wearing the Capri pants and slippers, I don't normally dress like this (audience laughs) but these pants are the only pants that I could put on--they're Denang, whatever Denang, thank you very much. Denang is like made out of, like whatever a baby's butt is made out of. These pants are like a baby's butt. (everyone laughs) Oh, they're so soft. This is all I can wear. I--I can't put shoes on. Here's what I---(rolls up her pant leg to show her sunburn) Ow. Ow. I don't know if you can really see how---(turns her leg, to show the back of her leg, which not sunburned at all) Just not the back though. (audience laughs) No. No, just the front. Back fine. (puts her pant leg back down) Some how I burnt my back and my shoulders and my face but it doesn't hurt. The legs got it the worst. Probably because my legs haven't seen the sun since the late 80's. (everyone laughs) I'm not really out in the sun that much---but do you know that Frank Sinatra song? "Regrets I've Had a Few?" (everyone laughs) That's my theme song for today. And then he goes on to say "too few to mention"--well, I'm gonna mention this for a long time. (everyone laughs) I'll tell ya that. I wasn't even out for that long--I was outside for I don't know---it was overcast too but there's no ozone layer any more so I'm just--it's as if I coated myself in Wesson oil and laid on a rock---which is what I did and that was a mistake. (everyone laughs) But actually I was using 45, but that was a Colt 45 and I was drinking it. (everyone laughs) So…ugh, I'm cold and I'm hot, I'm all those things and my back is really, really burned and y'know, doesn't it seem that as soon as you're sunburned that that seems to be the day that everyone wants to pat ya on the back? (everyone laughs) Oh, I'm just so scared of that happening. You know how you choke on food and people come up and start hitting you on your back---my biggest fear today is that I'm gonna choke on something and someone's gonna hafta---"Let me choke. Let me." (everyone laughs) Everyone has a different remedy but everyone kept saying to me "Aloe Vera. Aloe Vera. Aloe Vera." And I thought okay, I'll go to Alvera Street downtown. (everyone laughs) And it didn't help---I drank a lot of margaritas and uh…(everyone laughs) didn't notice the burn anymore. And of course this is the week---I never show my legs, you know that, I always wear long pants and of course today I have to wear this was gonna be the week I was gonna shave my legs. (everyone laughs) Which I didn't and now I can't shave for quite a while. It really feels like second degree burn, I don't know what that is--but it means no Indian leg-wrestling. (everyone laughs)

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