Greg Proops

(Performing on Last Comic Standing) Greg: I'm very excited and proud to be an American because we've got an election coming up - and we have a black man and a woman running for president. Yeah, people are clapping. The other's people are like "But Greg, there's been 43 honest white guys in a row! Why not let the magic continue!"

Greg: Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot.

Greg: Well, my woman stayed true, and I'm sober.

Greg: Leave my cat alone, you big...

Greg: It's a come as primate party.

Greg: That's been the news, stay tuned for America's Most Hilarious Amphibians. Coming up next.

Greg: Good evening everyone, I'm Twice Nightly. And this is the action news, these are the headlines. Insane cow tries moon jump, dish and spoon still missing.

Greg: And I never tell the truth, 'cause I'm the president.

Greg: Well, we'll be back at eleven, but stay tuned next for America's Favorite Satanists. That's been the news, good night.

Greg: President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps.

Greg: Gentlemen, today's mission is of the gravest importance. The Emir of Groovefunkistan, a small middle eastern country, is coming to visit the president in Washington, DC. However, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your job is to go to his hotel, the George C. Clark hotel - you don't know him, nevermind - and clean a burnoose for the Emir of Groovefunkistan.

Greg: How would you like to make money in real estate?

Greg: I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

Greg: I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.

Greg: Hamsters. What's wrong with you? Get some friends.

Greg: And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops.

Greg: I love the out-of-doors.

Greg: Uh oh, Ryan's lost a hand, underwater that really sucks.

Greg: Do you have your suntan oil? Well you don't need that idiot, you're going underwater.

Greg: Wow, you're weird city.

Greg: Agh, Ryan, and your name is usually Phil of Gary.

Greg: What am I, a genius?

Greg: Yo. I'm from Beverly Hills, and I be pimpin'.

Greg: This just in: virginity abolished in southern California.

Greg: You're a big scary man in a black hat.

Greg: Thank you so much. Well Mr. Bond, I suppose you think this is it, perhaps you'd like to make love to my mistress before I fondue the world! Minky doesn't like the anchor do you Minky? You make her very upset, perhaps you'd like to drop into my pool of piranhas? Oh that one never works.

Greg: I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

Greg: You sound hecka fun.

Greg: It was really nice of you to invite me up Melanie... NINTENDO!

Greg: Colin is a very sexy man. That's my whole answer.

Greg: Look,I know this is our first date, but.....I LOVE YOU! BE WITH ME!!!