Groucho Marx

Groucho: Go, and never darken my towels again.

Groucho: One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Groucho: Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Groucho: Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Groucho: I knew a girl from Minneapolis-St. Paul. She was known as "The Tail of Two Cities".

Groucho: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Groucho: In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Groucho: Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.

Groucho: Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Groucho: Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Groucho: The only game I like to play is Old Maid...provided she's not TOO old.

Groucho: My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.

Groucho: Behind every successful man stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Groucho: I drink to make other people interesting.

Groucho: It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

Groucho: You're only as young as the woman you feel.

Groucho: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho: If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho: There's one way to find out if a man is honest. Ask him; if he says 'yes,' you know he is crooked.

Groucho: (after being told a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews) My son is half-Jewish; can he wade in up to his knees?

Groucho: Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Groucho: Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

Groucho: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend, and inside a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho: Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Groucho: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho: It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Groucho: I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Groucho: I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."

Groucho: I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho: I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho: From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Groucho: Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.