Jay Leno

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    • Jay: Today is Valentine's Day-or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

    • Jay: Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.

    • Jay: Dick Cheney told reports that he has a new outlook on life. He says the best part of waking up is... waking up! I guess the doctors don't even put stitches in Cheney's chest anymore - they now just use Velcro.

    • Jay: Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'

    • Jay: Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

    • Jay: Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

    • Jay: Even Arnold's adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he'd have an Academy Award by now.

    • Jay: In California, 50 women protested the im pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

    • Jay: Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

    • Jay: For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

    • Jay: For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

    • Jay: George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.

    • Jay: Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent - over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.

    • Jay: Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!

    • Jay: I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

    • Jay: I guess today Senator James Jeffords from Vermont left the Republican party, became an independent. Yeah, he said he did it to follow his conscience and his principles. See, that's why he became independent, if you have a conscience and principles, you can't be Republican or Democratic.

    • Jay: I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

    • Jay: If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'

    • Jay: If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

    • Jay: In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.

    • Jay: In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.

    • Jay: In just two weeks, Bill Clinton will no longer be President of the United States. He'll just be another chubby, middle-aged guy annoying the waitresses at Hooters.

    • Jay: Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.

    • Jay: Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.

    • Jay: It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay.

    • Jay: It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement.

    • Jay: It's just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that's when we'll be going.

    • Jay: John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'

    • Jay: John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.

    • Jay: Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him.

    • Jay: Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

    • Jay: Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.

    • Jay: More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

    • Jay: My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

    • Jay: NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar.

    • Jay: Newsweek reported that 87 Congressman are currently having affairs. In fact, that is why they have roll call ever morning, to see who is back from the motel. Last call Kennedy! I know these guys like to poll their constituents but this is ridiculous.

    • Jay: On Monday, President Bush will reach his 100th day in office. It's a big milestone for him, surpassed all expectations. In fact, so has Dick Cheney. Cheney was only supposed to make it to day 73.

    • Jay: Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies.

    • Jay: Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.

    • Jay: President Bush agreed today to allow more weapons inspectors in Iraq. As I understand he has 250,000 of them ready to go.

    • Jay: President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.

    • Jay: President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.

    • Jay: President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.

    • Jay: President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.

    • Jay: Dick Cheney agreed to be President Bush's running mate once again in 2004. He made the announcement while riding in Ambulance One.

    • Jay: CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.

    • Jay: CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

    • Jay: Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'

    • Jay: Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

    • Jay: Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That's a comforting thought the next time you're getting ready to get on the roller coaster!

    • Jay: Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.

    • Jay: Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

    • Jay: At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors.

    • Jay: As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline.

    • Jay: Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff didn't know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn't get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.

    • Jay: An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.

    • Jay: America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why: you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds. Hey, what's this? A Pepsi ad? They're ruining the integrity of the Internet!

    • Jay: Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

    • Jay: After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was.

    • Jay: According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

    • Jay: According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.

    • Jay: According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.

    • Jay: A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.

    • Jay: A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.

    • Jay: If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.

    • Jay: Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That's a comforting thought the next time you're getting ready to get on the roller coaster!

    • Jay. An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.

    • Jay: Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

    • Jay: You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a B*tch.

    • Jay: Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.

    • Jay: Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?

    • Jay: We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years.

    • Jay: U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?

    • Jay: Tom Brokaw is leaving. Dan Rather is leaving. You realize the most trusted guy in television news will wind up being Geraldo Rivera.

    • Jay: Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

    • Jay: Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

    • Jay: Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.

    • Jay: This Ken Starr report is now posted on the Internet. I'll bet Clinton's glad he put a computer in every classroom.

    • Jay: This is a busy time for President Clinton. Not only does he have that thing in Kosovo, it's also prom season.

    • Jay: There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.

    • Jay: There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad.

    • Jay: The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

    • Jay: The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.

    • Jay: The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

    • Jay: The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

    • Jay: The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into the Gulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way - it's Operation George Gone Wild.

    • Jay: The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

    • Jay: The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad.

    • Jay: Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. I was sweating like Saddam Hussein watching Bush's poll numbers drop.

    • Jay: Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.

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