Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry: (following a car accident) Because I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.

Jerry: (when asked if he misses Seinfeld) I miss being on the stage with the gang, you know, and we would make up stuff sometimes and laugh and I miss writing with Larry. And there was a -- we had a great feeling together. We really all thought we were, you know, we enjoyed each other's humor.

Jerry: There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

Jerry: (when asked how he'd like to die) I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

Jerry: I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

Jerry: I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Jerry: Did you ever notice how they have commercials on TV with detergents that get out blood stains. If you have blood all over your shirt, I don't think laundry is your biggest problem.

Jerry: (on where he keeps his awards) I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

Jerry: Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

Jerry: I enjoy Overhaulin'. I'm very impressed with Chip Foose's designs. But I can't stand that show with those motorcycle guys who keep screwing up. Why would you want to watch people who screw up their job?

Jerry: My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.

Jerry Seinfeld: Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld: Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.

Jerry Seinfeld: I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."

Jerry Seinfeld: The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?"

Jerry Seinfeld: You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

Jerry Seinfeld: You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

Jerry Seinfeld: I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

Jerry Seinfeld: I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Jerry Seinfeld: The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

Jerry Seinfeld: Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."

Jerry Seinfeld: Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Jerry Seinfeld: What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

Jerry Seinfeld: Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Jerry Seinfeld: Men want the same thing from women that they want from their underwear... a little support, comfort, and freedom.

Jerry Seinfeld: There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."

Jerry Seinfeld: You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Jerry Seinfeld: Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Jerry Seinfeld: There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Jerry Seinfeld: The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld: The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Jerry Seinfeld: Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld: It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld: I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Jerry Seinfeld: I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld: A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.