Gaffigan first began performing stand up comedy on January 27, 1991 in New York City.
He married actress/producer Jeannie Noth Gaffigan on July 26, 2003.
Jim currently stars in commercials for Sierra Mist. (2005-2006)
Jim Gaffigan's one hour special BEYOND THE PALE premiered on Comedy Central on January 29, 2006. It will be released on CD & DVD, February 7, 2006 for anyone interested.
Jim Gaffigan: I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'
Jim Gaffigan: They recently invented the breakfast hot pocket, FINALLY. I can't think of a better way to start the day; Good morning... you're about to call in sick. Now I can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be DEAD by dinner. (whisper) Dead Pocket.
Jim Gaffigan: Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
Jim Gaffigan: I come from a very big family, nine parents.
Jim Gaffigan: Have you ever had the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It's Hot Pocket inside a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket.
Jim Gaffigan: You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, 'You know, I want to teach... but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?'
Jim Gaffigan: Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'
Jim Gaffigan: My wife always wants me to go to confessional - don't get me wrong, it's not as if I don't ENJOY lying to a holy man.
Jim Gaffigan: There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
Jim Gaffigan: I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad, it still smells like fish?! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'
Jim Gaffigan: Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!
Jim Gaffigan: Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'
Jim Gaffigan: I only dated one asian girl, but she was very asian, she was a panda.'
Jim Gaffigan: I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It's like 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly enjoy the next NASCAR event!'
Jim Gaffigan: I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
Jim Gaffigan: It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia; 4-H.
Jim Gaffigan: My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'.
Jim Gaffigan: I watch a lot of T.V., I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. That'll grab you by the horn... what horn?
Jim Gaffigan: Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye'.
Jim Gaffigan: Don't worry, I've never heard of me either.
Jim Gaffigan: But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'
Jim Gaffigan: I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana...Mafia.
Jim Gaffigan: Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
Jim Gaffigan: How did we get to the point where we pay for bottled water? This is more waterly than water.
Jim Gaffigan: The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
Jim Gaffigan: I was watching the animal planet, did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female.
Jim Gaffigan: Have you ever read a book that changed your life? Neither have I.
Jim Gaffigan: When ever you are single, all you see are couples, but when ever you are in a couple, all you see are hookers.