Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy: If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to read.

Jimmy: Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his longtime girlfriend. I have to say... Charlie Sheen has a longtime girlfriend?

Jimmy: I don't want to ruin it for you - but at the end, Voldemort kills Harry with a fairly vivious atomic wedgie.

Jimmy: Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book out. It's a tell-all autobiography in which he claims he injected his former teammate, superstar Mark McGwire, with steroids. He also claims that President Bush, who was then a co-owner of the Texas Rangers, was aware of steroid use among players. A White House spokesperson says Bush was not aware of it, nor was he aware of most anything during the early '90s. Mark McGwire vehemently denies the accusation – he got so angry when he heard about it, he picked up his house and threw it onto the freeway.

Jimmy: The president jumped on a plane to start a five-week vacation. This will be the longest presidential vacation in 36 years. This means President Bush has now been on vacation for 27% of his presidency. That means the country could be 27% more screwed up than it already is.

Jimmy: Hurricane Katrina has been particularly hard on President Bush, who was forced to end his vacation two days early. He was supposed to be clearing brush in Texas until Friday. Now he's going to get back to the White House tomorrow. You know, if he doesn't use his vacation days, he loses them, so this is hard on everybody.

Jimmy: Our president isn't exactly getting high marks for his handling of the catastrophe. People don't seem to realize, yes the hurricane (Katrina) has been devastating to the people who live in that area, but it has also ruined the last three days of his vacation. He has suffered too.

Jimmy: President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction.

Jimmy: Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline.

Jimmy: The TSA downgraded the threat level for flights between the U.S. and England from severe to high. So if you're nervous about taking a trip to London, there's no longer a severe chance of exploding, just a high one now.

Jimmy: President Bush is beating the August heat the same way he always does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. He got there yesterday. This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes a full month, this time around because of the wars and everything, only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency.

Jimmy (about the movie "An Inconvenient Truth"): There has never been a better time for a movie about global warming set inside an air-conditioned theater than right now.

Jimmy: You know how presidents will age while they're in office like in eight years Clinton went from 40 to 63. Here's George Bush the day he became president and here he is today [on screen: two pics of Bush] He looks better. It's like he hasn't got a care in the world. This is kind of weird.

Jimmy: President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather; though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties.

Jimmy: I don't know if we can call ourselves everyday Joes. I think Supermen is more appropriate. We're just trying to take back the medium we invented!

Jimmy: When I was emceeing Win Ben Stein's Money, I actually fell asleep during the show a few times. I would sit on the safe over to the side and just sort of doze off. But that was probably a combination of the narcolepsy and Ben's voice.

Jimmy: It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

Jimmy: I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.

Jimmy: Adam doesn't need a partner, the guy is just funny. He has a strong opinion on almost every topic. You can ask him about Sea-Monkeys or shoelaces and he has a strong opinion. And when he gets going, you're just a bystander.

Jimmy: What I said about Pistons fans during halftime was a joke, nothing more. If I offended anyone, I'm sorry. Clearly, over the past 10 years, we in L.A. have taken a commanding lead in post-game riots. If the Lakers win, I plan to overturn my own car.

Jimmy: What I said about Pistons fans during halftime was a joke, nothing more. If I offended anyone, I'm sorry. Clearly, over the past 10 years, we in L.A. have taken a commanding lead in post-game riots. If the Lakers win, I plan to overturn my own car.