Joan Rivers

Joan: People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan: Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

Joan: I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan: I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Joan: The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Joan: I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Joan: I knew I was unwanted when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and radio.

Joan: I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

Joan: Can we talk?

Joan: Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

Joan: My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

Joan: Don't tell your kids that you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds', now go back to sleep.

Joan: (On her falling-out with Johnny Carson) I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.

Joan: Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Joan: The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.