The Biography of Joel A. Stein:
July 23, 1971 Joel is born.
January 21, 1974 Joel pours Comet all-purpose cleaner on his parent's blue velvet couches in the living room. Joel's father excuses his behavior as "experimenting".
April 7, 1976 Joel convinces his elementary school crush, Bizzy (See June 18, 1994) to come over to play. She barfs on his carpet. Stain lasts for 10 years.
April 6, 1978 On a trip to Walt Disney World, Joel spots a hand blown glass unicorn. Thus beginning a 10 year, 28 piece glass menagerie collection.
April 28, 1983 Joel's new junior high school friends want to play football, but Joel doesn't own "play clothes". He makes his mom buy him some.
May 19, 1984 At his Bar Mitzvah, Joel talks longer than his Rabbi.
August 20, 1985 Joel gets sent home from Jewish travelling camp for being in a hotel room with boys who were lighting fires in the bathtub after disconnecting the fire alarm. Joel still maintains his innocence.
September 12, 1985 Joel visits Chess King at a local mall and buys a sweater with five, count 'em, five fabrics: leather, suede, metal, sweater, and jersey. Despite the resemblance to Duran Duran, eighth grade girls still do not flock to him.
February 6, 1986 Joel buys an air-brushed sweatshirt with a Molly Hatchet cover on it, despite the fact that he never a heard a Molly Hatchet song.
November 19, 1986 Joel begins to grow his monster mullet with the simple instruction "leave the back" uttered to his barber.
October 14, 1987 After 4 attempts, Joel gets his letter read on Letterman. He writes "Hey Dave, Flunky sucks". Flunky, the Late Night manic depressive clown responds, "Hey you little weasel, bite me".
March 27, 1989 Neil Friedman barfs in the back of Joel's tan Cutlass Supreme station wagon. Despite having cleaned the mess, it still smelled everytime it rained.
May 18, 1989 Joel is suspended for one day of high school for throwing a dried apricot at Tommy Reynolds in the cafeteria. Food fight did NOT follow.
November 30, 1991 His heart heavy after being dumped and facing an insistent SuperCuts employee, Joel loses the mullet.
July 10, 1992 After a regrettable sexual experience, a despondent Joel confides in his now single Dad who he is living at home with for the summer. "So you had sex with her...It's no big deal", he says. "Oh, I didn't sleep with her", Joel says. Dad replies, "If you're going to step up to the plate, you might as well hit a home run."
January 29, 1993 Joel is talking to a woman when a rodent pops out of her cleavage. Smitten, Joel asks her out. He soon learns that rat cleavage isn't enough to base a relationship on.
September 4, 1993 On a trip across country, Joel and high school friend Mike Gorker, stop at a food store in Williams, Arizona to buy bottled water, yogurt, oranges, and for some reason, a bottle of wine. A cowboy, and quite possibly the Marlboro Man, asks if we're "European". We say "No". He says, "Well, you look European".
November 21, 1993 In Joel's sixth week as a writer for the Martha Stewart TV show, she fires him in order to hire her friend. She forgot, however, to ask her friend if she wanted the job. Joel is rehired 16 hours later.
June 18, 1994 After 18 years of trying, Joel finally kisses a grammar school friend, Elizabeth (aka Bizzy). Too much hype after two decades of trying. Relationship does not follow.
December 10, 1994 On his fourth round of interviews for MTV's The Real World - London, Joel is set up on a date with a bald chick. They date for three months.
November 12, 1995 Under the guise of a Time Out article, Joel arranges a breakfast with Suzanne Somers. Unfortunately, her husband comes.
December 18, 1995 At a Christmas Party, Joel meets a woman who sings opera. She sings for him. Another woman walks in the room and asks "what's going on?". Joel says, "We're busy, unless you sing opera too". Turns out she too is an opera singer. She and Joel date for three months.
March 21, 2000 Joel's cllege friend, John Hall, offers him 1,400 friends and family shares of VA Linux (NasdaqNM:LNUX). The company turns out to have the highest IPO ever, going from 30 to 310 that day. Joel, not wanting to share a lack of faith in John's company, doesn't sell. Stock now sells in the $1 to $2 range.
April 14, 2000 Joel and friend, Ross Novie, accompany Colin Malone of Colin's Sleezy Friends to interview porn star Raylene backstage at an LA strip joint. After asking politely, Joel touches his first fake breast.
From Joel Stein Homepage.