John D. Collins


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  • Episode Two

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 2 - 7/6/03

    Paul promises Estelle that he will cook a romantic meal, but has difficulty getting everyone out of the house. When Estelle's boss asks her to take Pilfrey out to lunch, Paul jumps to the wrong conclusion.moreless
  • Trial & Retribution III, Part 2

    Full Episode

    S 3 : Ep 2 - 10/14/99

    Warrington, increasingly unstable, abducts D.I. North and takes her to the site where Cassie Booth is buried. The case against him should be straightforward, but questions remain as to Wilding's involvement.

  • Trial & Retribution II, Part 2

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 2 - 10/19/98

    Damon Morton is on trial for murder, but his strange hold over those he knows makes securing a conviction problematic.

  • A Winkle in Time

    Full Episode

    S 9 : Ep 6 - 12/14/92

    The Allies are nearly ready to reach Nouvion. Yvette asks to see Rene in the back room, where they find the two British airmen, once again shot down. The next day, the Allies reach the cafe. Gruber and Von Strohm decide to use the uniforms of the two British airmen to try to mingle out with the Allies, but they are caught as Von Klinkerhoffen arrives at the cafe to conduct the official surrender. Flick and Von Smallhausen try to use a mini-submarine to reach the ocean, via a secret tunnel under the town. Instead, they crash through the wall of the cafe, into the arms of the Allies. The war ends, and Rene is pinned with a medal as a hero by the Allies. The scene outside fades to the near present. A fancy Mercedes pulls into the square, where an old chauffeur, Von Strohm, opens the door for the rich owners of the car--Helga and Gruber. They enter the cafe to find things amazingly similar. They are told by Rene's young adopted son that he is outside, where Yvette is helping him use the public facility. Everyone ends up meeting in the square, next to the statue of Rene built by Alphonse. Upstairs, an older Mimi attends to the bedridden Edith. Outside, Gruber tells Rene how he became an international art dealer after the war. Rene explains that he never found the painting, which he accidentally misplaced just prior to the invasion. Gruber accidentally strikes the arm of the statue and it breaks, and the rolled-up painting falls out of the concrete statue. Stunned by the sudden recovery of the long-lost art work, everyone enters the cafe to decide how to split up the painting, now worth millions. Rene and Yvette, now carrying the painting, instead sneak over to Gruber's car. Edith, now hobbling down into the square, sees them. ("Rene! What are you doing with that serving girl?!?" ... "You stupid woman....can't you see?!") The final shot is of the car pulling away from the square, with everyone else in a slow walking chase.moreless
  • A Fishy Sendoff

    Full Episode

    S 9 : Ep 5 - 12/7/92

    Alphonse continues work on the statue of Rene. Von Klinkerhoffen takes Gruber and Von Strohm golfing, where they discuss the assassination plans. Meanwhile, Flick, Von Smallhousen and Helga listen in on the plans via a bugged golf club. Later, at the train station where the painting is to be delivered, Flick intercepts the picture frame, thinking it is the original painting of the "Fallen Madonna." The villagers arrive at the coast, but instead find the Allied troops invading the beach.moreless
  • Swan Song

    Full Episode

    S 8 : Ep 7 - 3/1/92

    Edith and Rene are rescued by British troops prior to their execution, and are released in the woods when their true identities are revealed. Edith's mother and Leclerc, assuming Rene and Edith to be dead, make off with the cafe's money and flee to Paris. Upon finding out that the photo of Gruber holding the painting has indeed been passed on to Von Klinkerhoffen, the two German officers decide to make their escape to Spain with the traveling flamenco dancers. Before they depart, though, they meet with Flick at the cafe to swap the painting for the 10 million francs. Both sides trick each other, though, as Flick has substituted scrap paper for the money, and the fleeing officers had only given Flick the disembodied "boobie." Finally, Yvette and Rene find out the pregnancy results were an error.moreless
  • A Fistful of Francs

    Full Episode

    S 8 : Ep 6 - 2/9/92

    After escaping from the cafe disguised as a woman, Von Strohm later agrees to pay the photo ransom to the resistance by stuffing the 10 million francs into a large dogfish, to be released into the river and retrieved by the resistance. However, Alphonse instead catches the fish while on a picnic with Edith. Realizing a profit is to be made on the large fish, he sells it to the local fishmonger, who in turns sells it to Von Smallhausen, who prepares it for a dinner for Flick and Helga. While eating the fish, the loot is finally discovered by Flick, who immediately offers a trade of the money to Von Strohm for the painting. Meanwhile, on orders from Von Klinkerhoffen, Rene and Edith are used as decoys for Hitler and Goering as the Germans plan to ambush any resistance group planning on attacking the two "Germans" as they leave town. Before they can complete the ruse, though, Rene and Edith are captured by Allied-sympathetic German troops and are lined up for execution.moreless
  • Firing Squashed

    Full Episode

    S 8 : Ep 5 - 2/2/92

    Michelle discovers that the Communist Resistance are holding Hitler and Goering (in fact, Gruber and Von Strohm) and plans to meet with the opposition to discuss radio broadcast options. However, when the two factions meet, a fight breaks out between the women over Rene (of course). While the fight is taking place, Crabtree, Yvette and Alphonse attempt their own kidnapping of "Hitler" and "Goering" from the other side of the barn. They fail when an attempt to use a charging bull goes out of control. Gruber and Von Strohm escape in the confusion and head to the cafe. Meanwhile, Flick and Von Smallhausen face a close call at a firing squad for their alleged part in the pay truck robbery.moreless
  • Awful Wedded Wife

    Full Episode

    S 8 : Ep 4 - 1/26/92

    Von Strohm decides to make a downpayment on the ransom owed to the Resistance. Crabtree tells Rene that Michelle has informed him the battery used for the mobile radio station isn't strong enough, and lead is needed to improve the power. Yvette, Crabtree, Mimi and Alphonse sneak into the church to remove some lead from the roof. While serving as lookouts for the rest of the group, Rene and Edith are mistaken for another "couple." Meanwhile, Von Strohm and Gruber are again disguised as Hitler and Goering as Von Klinkerhoffen orders them to be seen driving out of his jurisdiction. However, they are captured by Louise and the Communist Resistance!moreless
  • Hitler's Last Heil

    Full Episode

    S 8 : Ep 3 - 1/19/92

    Yvette arranges a secret meeting for her and Rene with a local priest to discuss a possible marriage. Von Klinkerhoffen revives his plan to assassinate Hitler and Goering, who are visiting for lunch. In fact, though, the two senior Germans turn out to be impostors sent as decoys. Meanwhile, Helga plans to sneak dynamite into the prison where Flick and Von Smallhausen are held. The dynamite, disguised as knockwurst sausages (what else?), instead finds its way to the luncheon for the German officers, and the two impostors are killed in the explosion. Von Klinkerhoffen orders Von Strohm and Gruber to disguise themselves as Hitler and Goering so that they may be seen driving through Nouvion alive and well. Back at the cafe, Mimi plans her own assassination attempt of the Germans, which naturally goes awrymoreless
  • A Woman Never Lies

    Full Episode

    S 8 : Ep 2 - 1/12/92

    When Michelle realizes the importance of the photo of Gruber holding the painting, she decides to blackmail the Germans for 10 million francs. Having no choice but to resort to robbery, Von Strohm, Gruber and Helga--disguised as resistance girls--plan to hold-up the incoming German pay truck. Flick and Von Smallhausen learn of the plans after drugging Helga with a truth serum, and attempt to intercept the pay truck themselves, also by disguising as resistance girls. Flick and Von Smallhausen arrive after the robbery occurs but are arrested by Von Klinkerhoffen as the guilty party to the crime. Back at the cafe, Rene and company record their first propaganda broadcast.moreless
  • Arousing Suspicions

    Full Episode

    S 8 : Ep 1 - 1/5/92

    Michelle informs Rene of her plan to create a traveling propaganda radio station, broadcasting messages on prerecorded wax cylinders. However, a parachute drop by the British fails to hit its target when the British are hit by a missile fired by Gruber, instead dropping the cylinders into the chimney of the German-controlled chateaux. Conveniently, Rene and the others take the place of a traveling Spanish flamenco dance troupe scheduled to perform at the chateaux in order to retrieve the tubes. Unknown to Rene, though, Gruber had arranged to deliver a photo and sample of the painting to an art dealer/contact within the dance troupe. Instead, the photo and samples are given to Monsieur Alphonse. Also, Crabtree sings again!moreless
  • One Born Every Minute

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 6 - 2/10/91

    Ashley Wilkes is an artist who swans around East Anglia painting pictures of pretty country cottages and seducing the women who live in them. A British army officer hires Lovejoy to track Wilkes down, on the pretext of having a job for him, but Lovejoy smells a rat. When he finally catches up with the elusive Wilkes, he finds the ladykiller has a terrible secret.moreless
  • The Spirit of Nouvion

    Full Episode

    S 7 : Ep 6 - 2/9/91

    The telephone pole plan having been discovered, the Resistance now try to get the Airmen out in wine barrels. Unfortunately, the Resistance is running out of funds, and Mimi makes a slip about the Fallen Madonna, so Michelle decides to steal the painting from Herr Flick and sell it to fund the Resistance. Meanwhile, Flick is forced to break up with Helga (Himmler told him so). Back at the newspaper, a "Spirit of Nouvion" contest is being held, as Edith, Yvette, and Mimi simultaneously show up to be photographed. That night, our heroes tunnel into Flick's office and break into the underside of the safe. At the same time, Von Strohm, Gruber, and Bertorelli break in through the front door. Rene is accidentally doused in flour before he enters the safe, and when the door is opened, Gruber again believes he is seeing Rene's dead twin brother's ghost. The Germans make a hasty exit and Rene gets the painting. He plans to switch it with a forgery, and is blackmailed by Edith, who forces him to select her as the "Spirit of Nouvion".moreless
  • The Exploding Bedpan

    Full Episode

    S 5 : Ep 16 - 12/17/88

    After launching the Long-Distance Duck, Edith is now in charge of feeding the hatchlings. Meanwhile, Yvette, Mimi, Denise and Louise all pledge their undying love to René. Yvette has gotten hold of disguises for the hiding Communists, but Denise rejects the ragged serving girl outfits, insisting that Edith must die, and René should get them waitress outfits. Monsieur Alphonse is being interrogated by the Gestapo after being arrested for passing forged notes. Von Strohm and Gruber fear that he may reveal the whereabouts and plots of the paintings, so they come up with a plan to kill him by having René feed him a pastry with a suicide pill. Of course the plan backfires and instead Fanny nearly eats the pill. Meanwhile, Helga tells to Alphonse where she is hiding her share of the loot and how she has a hacksaw blade hidden on her body to help him escape - but as she removes her uniform to show him, Alphonse suffers a heart attack from the sight and Herr Flick carts him off to the hospital. Numerous of crazy schemes occur in the aftermath: Michelle plans to have an Alphonse dummy and wheel in a gurney on which she'll sneak Alphonse back out. Helga comes up with a plan to stop Alphonse from talking by killing him with an exploding bedpan with a microphone inside and Von Strohm and Gruber masquerading as nurses. Michelle's plan ends up with René faking food poisoning and the whole cafe gang in disguise as a hospital team. But no end to the problems: they can't get Alphonse unhooked from the cardiogram machine... They take the whole bed and the cardiogram with them and leave the dummy behind. Gruber and Von Strohm blow up the dummy and think they've killed Alphonse. René ends up in the maternity ward by mistake but he manages to escape surgery at the last minute. The others get Alphonse with them in an ambulance but they've forgotten about René, who is left alone outside the hospital as they drive off.moreless
  • A Marriage of Inconvenience

    Full Episode

    S 5 : Ep 6 - 10/8/88

    René's wedding to Denise is due shortly and he is not too happy about it. Another person that isn't too happy about this marriage is Edith. She summons Michelle, telling her that if René marries Denise, he'll join the Communists. Edith has hatched a plan, which requires Michelle and her girls to kidnap Denise. Then, Edith can take her place at the altar and marry René. They agree not to let René know about the plan. Von Strohm is getting heat from Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen after the paintings were stolen from Gruber. He commands Gruber to somehow get René to reveal the whereabouts of the paintings. Edith arranges a romantic dinner for her and René at the café. It is supposed to be a reprise of their honeymoon night before René is to marry Denise (or at least, so he thinks). The next morning, Michelle informs Edith that she has kidnapped Denise and put her in a mine shaft. Edith hurriedly goes to put on the wedding dress. Meanwhile, René is getting ready as Gruber arrives to question him. He is most disappointed to learn of the wedding. René assures Gruber and Von Strohm that the paintings are safe. Finally, the ceremony starts and René is shocked when Edith briefly lifts her thick veil to him. However, Edith's plan goes awry because Yvette and Mimi have substituted the priest with Crabtree, thus making the ceremony invalid.moreless
  • The Camera In the Potato

    Full Episode

    S 5 : Ep 2 - 9/10/88

    Starting off in women´s underwear in the dungeons of the General´s castle, René is rescued by Lieutenant Gruber, and comes back just in time to be briefed by Michelle from the Résistance about the camera which will be used to photograph the safe in the château, and which is hidden inside a potato.
    That night, Helga and the General is supposed to dine at Café René, but Helga is ordered away by Herr Flick, and the General has to endure Edith´s "seduction" before he can get away. He promptly discovers the Colonel in bed with Yvette, a flying helmet and a celery.
    Finally, René can get into the château, but he doesn´t know that the safe is in Lieutenant Gruber´s room...moreless
  • Desperate Doings in the Dungeon

    Full Episode

    S 5 : Ep 1 - 9/3/88

    Herr Flick (under the identity of Frau Kinkenrotten) is still held in the dungeons, and if he cracks he can divulge that the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies have been copied. That´s why he must be rescued by Helga, von Smallhousen, and René - dressed as Himmler.

    The Colonel and the Lieutenant are ordered by the General to let Herr Flick die in a rescue attempt by the Résistance, but seeing the danger of getting caught in a crossfire, they dress up as Gestapo officers to rescue Herr Flick, only to find René chained up instead.moreless
  • The Jet Propelled Mother-In-Law

    Full Episode

    S 4 : Ep 6 - 12/12/87

    The Germans arrest René, and the Colonel demands an explanation for the knockwursts with explosives in them. After a small lie, René is sent home with around a dozen knockwursts to hang in his kitchen.

    The British have sent a spy camera with which the Résistance should be able to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain, but the camera landed in the vineyard of Monsieur Alphonse´s, and since the Germans commendeered the vineyard, the Résistance cannot go and look for the camera.

    This problem is solved when the General orders every peasant in Nouvion to work on the vineyard, which also leaves room for some assassination attempts on the General´s life. The attempts backfire and send Madame Fanny racing through the vinefields on a jet-propelled wheelchair.moreless
  • The Flying Nun

    Full Episode

    S 4 : Ep 4 - 11/28/87

    The Gestapo suspects that the Colonel and the General are in on a plot to assassinate Hitler, so Herr Flick goes undercover as Private Irma Von Kinkenrotten (a secretary to replace Helga, who Flick has kidnapped - though she escape disguised as Flick himself) and plants a somewhat bizarre daffodil-shaped microphone in the Colonel's office, where Gruber and Von Strohm are making plans to get rid of Bertorelli in some way. Meanwhile, as Edith prepares for her wedding, and receives bouquets from fortune-hunting Capt. Bertorelli, Rene & Co. must get the aerial for their new radio above the jamming signal of Herr Flick, so they disguise Mimi as a small nun to obtain a box kite which they fly to contact London and request plastic explosive to blow up the safe in the General's chateau to get the British Invasion plans. Of course, Michelle has to nearly have a nervous breakdown in the Cafe before Rene agrees to this crazy plan. And unfortunately, Monsieur Alphonse catches Yvette and Rene having at it, so he considers Edith "back in play".moreless
  • Good Staff Are Hard To Find

    Full Episode

    S 4 : Ep 3 - 11/21/87

    Since Maria´s disappearance, the café needs another waitress, but René and Edith has somewhat different ideas about who should fill the position, but finally Michelle from the Résistance brings tiny Mimi from another cell, to be René´s bodyguard.
    René finds out just how fanatical Mimi is when she tries to poison Herr Flick in the backroom of the café, which René manages to stop.
    In the meantime, General von Klinkerhoffen gives the Colonel a new assistant, Italian liaison Bertorelli, who fortunately knows nothing about the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies or about the afairs with the waitresses, but as soon as Bertorelli enters Café René, he sees the Colonel with wet celery behind his ears. Seeing his chance for amore, he goes upstairs with Mimi only to be thrown out again.moreless
  • Camp Dance

    Full Episode

    S 4 : Ep 2 - 11/14/87

    Dressed as girls from the Foliés Bergeres, the entire gang (the staff and the Germans) escape from the prisoner of war camp, and completely against plans bring the two British airmen with them.

    Outside again, the Colonel finds that the Captain is missing, only his glasses are found. The servant girl Maria cannot be found either, and it turns out that she accidentally mailed herself to Switzerland as a Red Cross package.

    Herr Flick and von Smallhousen intercept a message from London and try to send their own message, but René catches on and tosses the radio out the window, which leaves the résistance without a means to contact London, until Michelle thinks of the radio in Lieutenant Gruber´s little tank.

    But instead of getting new instructions, René and Edith are found out by the Colonel, Helga and Gruber - who finally learn what happened to Hans.moreless
  • The Great Un-Escape

    Full Episode

    S 3 : Ep 6 - 1/9/87

    While the Captain is sitting in the café, sulking because the Colonel is not talking to him since Edith used the Captain's gun to shoot two tarts the night before, herr Flick from the Gestapo is listening when René is talking to London on the wireless. He soon cracks the code surrounding the message with the plan to dig a tunnel from the mortuary to hide the British airmen.

    But it's soon apparent that the two airmen and Monsieur Alphonse need help with the digging, and the café staff are called in, leaving Madame Fanny and LeClerc in the café. But the Colonel and the Captain follow René, discover the tunnel, and are captured in the prisoner of war camp, where the General is about to perform an inspection...moreless
  • Pretty Maids All In A Row

    Full Episode

    S 3 : Ep 5 - 1/2/87

    After the plot to get the two British airmen out failed, Maria disguises them as waitresses at the café. Meanwhile, a frustrated René returns to the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies. He hides it behind an ugly painting in his café which is immediately recognized by General von Klinkerhoffen as a Van Gogh and requisitioned for his office in the chateau. He also requistions the two new maids in Café René - or as they are better known: the two British airmen in disguise.

    Realizing that the two airmen will be recognized right away, Michelle of the Résistance comes up with another hairbrained scheme of digging a tunnel from Monsieur Alphonse's morgue into the prisoner of war camp and smuggling in the two airmen into the camp.

    To get the airmen to Monsieur Alphonse, Edith comes up with a typical French Saturday pastime: a fandango festival which ends in the husband running away with two ladies of the night and the wife killing them. Using the Captain's gun, loaded with blanks, madame Edith "kills" the two airmen dressed as hookers in front of a shocked Captain Geering.moreless
  • Flight of Fancy

    Full Episode

    S 3 : Ep 4 - 12/26/86

    With René again in the possession of the sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies, the attention turns to getting the two British airmen out of France. The problem is that the old airplane that was to be used is in the back of the museum. But Michelle proposes a steam engine tour through Nouvion, and Herr Flick allows it, thinking it´s a good opportunity to observe any foul play.

    Michelle´s newest hairbrained scheme of getting the airmen out will of course need 80 meters of suspenders, and it´s René´s job to get them from every Frenchman in Nouvion, which he does under the noses of the Colonel and the Captain through his newly founded brotherhood of the Nightowl.

    Herr Flick and Helga arrive in his staff car to spy on the show, and The Colonel and the Captain arrive in a steamroller, also to spy on what´s happening - and the result is pretty obvious, which prevents them from see the spectacular failure of the launching of the airmen. The suspenders that was supposed to drag the plane up in the air with a car backfires, sending René backwards at breakneck speed.moreless
  • The Sausage In the Wardrobe

    Full Episode

    S 3 : Ep 3 - 12/19/86

    After Maria is sent to Lieutenant Gruber with the sausage containing the real painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies for copying, she is caught by General von Klinckerhofen, who places the sausage in his wardrobe and helds Maria hostage until his lawn-mover engine is returned by the Résistance.

    Herr Flick, the Colonel and the Captain, and René hears about this and decides to go to the chateau through the secret passages and steal the sausage from under the General's nose, using Helga, Yvette and Lieutenant Gruber as erotical bait. Who will substitute the sausage first?moreless
  • Gruber Does Some Mincing

    Full Episode

    S 3 : Ep 2 - 12/12/86

    The sausage containing the (real) painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by van Clomp, which was taken by Lieutenant Gruber´s dog, is minced by the Lieutenant - but fortunally he discovers it first and saves it. At the same time, the missing knockwurst means that Monsieur Alphonse cannot get back the money which he leant to pay the ransom of the kidnapped sausage. The résistance pays him back with Monsieur LeClerc´s badly forged money. But after everything seems to getting back to normal, the sausage is sent to Lieutenant Gruber to make another copy. Also, Michelle´s latest plan to get the airmen back is by an old plane with the motor from general von Klinkerhoffen´s lawn-mower, which is hidden in the wheelchair of René´s mother in law.moreless
  • The Nicked Knockwurst

    Full Episode

    S 3 : Ep 1 - 12/5/86

    After the Colonel makes René promise not to hang out with the Résistance anymore, Herr Flick´s sausage (containing the forgery of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies) is kidnapped by the Résistance, not the usual Résistance, but the Communist Résistance. The Colonel and the Captain are anxious that it doesn´t come out that they have switched the paintings, and order René to come up with the ransom, which Edith gets from Monsieur Alphonse.

    The ransom is to be left by René and his staff, dressed as German soldiers. But the whole thing is watched by German soldiers dressed as French policemen, the Gestapo dressed as French Résistance girls, and the Colonel and the Captain dressed as trees. And of course, Lieutenant Gruber stumbles upon the meeting, and his dog can´t help but chase the sausage.moreless
  • Herr Flick's Revenge

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 6 - 11/25/85

    After René ran away from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, he hides. He´s rescued by Michelle from the Résistance who smuggles him back into the café dressed as a member of the Résistance, while she explains to Monsieur Alphonse that René is the bravest man in France.

    But Herr Flick has captured the Colonel and the Captain, and brings in René as well, and torture them unless they reveal where the painting of "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" is hidden. They are rescued by General von Klinkerhoffen.

    With life back to normal, there´s only a matter of getting the British airmen out. As the General imposes a curfew, Michelle's plan is a funeral for Madame Fanny.moreless
  • The Duel

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 5 - 11/18/85

    René tries to hide from the seconds of Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, but in his stead Lieutenant Gruber accepts the duel. However, the Colonel and the Captain want to save René and plans an exercise to "accidentally" kill Monsieur Alphonse. The plan is thwarted by Herr Flick, who has discovered that the sausage that was sent to Berlin containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies did not contain any painting - either real or fake. Herr Flick correctly assumes that the Colonel and the Captain stole the painting, and arrests them and cancels the exercise. Now René has to fight the duel on his own, while Yvette and Maria grieve on the sidelines and his wife Edith catches up on the gossip of the week.moreless
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