Larry David

David: When I was growing up, I loved the Sgt Bilko show. He was doing what we are doing in a way - doing these guys who were saying and doing what nobody else would, being unlikeable and imperceptive.

David: I started to become funny when I realized I was inferior and inadequate.

David: You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

Larry David: In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.

Larry David: It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.

Larry David: It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

Larry David: It's very liberating, actually - I don't have to hear my voice in every character.

Larry David: So it was this pattern of getting a job, then going on unemployment for a while.

Larry David: The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.

Larry David: Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

Larry David: When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

Larry David: It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

Larry David: When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

Larry David: I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?

Larry David: Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

Larry David: There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.

Larry David: If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

Larry: There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

Larry: Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

Larry: Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Larry: It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

Larry: You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Ok, I'm just coming flat out and saying 'help me'. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now.

Larry David: Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Larry David: I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.

Larry David: I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.

Larry David: I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about -- people and laughter.

Larry David: I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

Larry David: Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!

Larry David: I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

Larry: Well, my favorite show of all time was Bilko.

Larry David: Women love a self-confident bald man.

Larry David: It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

Larry David: I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

Larry David: I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

Larry David: I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

Larry David: I managed to put together an act that I could do, and enjoy, and kill with, on a Saturday night. But it still was difficult going on.

Larry David: I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

Larry David: I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.

Larry David: I just feed off the energy of the audience.

Larry David: I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

Larry David: I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

Larry David: I didn't cringe when I saw myself - I mean, sometimes I did, but it wasn't a big cringe-fest for me.

Larry David: I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

Larry David: Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

Larry David: Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Larry David: Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.

Larry David: At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

Larry David: As you know, acting is my true love.

Larry David: Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Larry David: And I'd always liked improvising - whenever I've done it in the past, I felt I had a knack for it. So that was it.

Larry David: And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

Larry David: Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

Larry David: A place to go - that's what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you're worthless unless you have a place to go.