Lewis Black

Lewis Black: MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

Lewis Black: Lewis Black: What's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks!

Lewis Black: All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Lewis Black: I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

Lewis Black: I'm going to make my transition to weatherman soon.

Lewis Black: Why would you hire MTV to do music? MTV has nothing to do with music, ok? MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where? In your eye, music goes in your ear. Ear eye, eye ear, big ****ing difference! Music is like a drug, when you hear it you have a vision, and that vision can change over time or remain the same.

Lewis Black: If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.

Lewis Black: If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Lewis Black: If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.

Lewis Black: I'm just so looking forward to seeing Dick Cheney because it's like the sighting of a rare white elk when he shows up. And I don't even think it's Dick Cheney anymore. We see him so rarely ... that I think he may be my old shop teacher.

Lewis Black: It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

Lewis Black: A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people... THREE people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? "Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!"

Lewis Black: These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!

Lewis Black: There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Lewis Black: Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Lewis Black: In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Lewis Black: If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Lewis Black: And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to yea' - but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.