Lisa Lampanelli

Lisa: (On why she gave up her journalism career to become a comic) I got sick of making $12 grand a year.

Lisa: (On the 2008 presidential field) There's a black guy, right? I don't follow politics. I don't read the newspaper... I'm not even going to vote. Well, I might, so I can cast a vote for a black guy. He's hot. The hottest one should win. It sure ain't Hillary.

Lisa: (On the people she would like to get roasted by) Rickles, obviously, hopefully he'll still be around. Arte Lang ... Pat Cooper, all the old school guys. In my fantasy land, Howard Stern -- but he's famous so he doesn't have to do them.

Lisa: When I was growing up, I never even watched stand-ups, so I didn't even know how it was done. But I watched those Dean Martin roasts on NBC and I thought that's what comedy really was— like it was all people standing around making fun of each other without anybody getting pissed off.

Lisa: (On Donald Trump's hair) What do you say to a barber to get a haircut like that? 'I f---ed your daughter?'

Lisa: I am not a typical woman, anyway. I have a hugely male, masculine side. I always curse. I always like to be one of the guys. I'm that chick you'll invite to a bachelor party, but not to strip.

Lisa: (On who she would like to roast) People who take themselves too seriously to ever actually be roasted, like Tom Cruise. Or Oprah -- I'd love to get my hands on that bitch.

Lisa: If I could roast Don Rickles or have him roast me, I'd die happy.

Lisa: I was a real journalist for Rolling Stone, Spy, Hit Parader. I interviewed those ******' hair bands: Cinderella, Slaughter. They were dumb as a post.

Lisa:...my problem is, I can't get a good-looking white guy anymore, I just don't have the looks to get that. I can get hot blacks but also, blacks are now starting to get uppity and go for the skinny white ones and the Asians, which is very offensive to me that they don't stick with their roots—the chubby white girl!

Lisa Lampanelli: (On why she quit teaching) I ... can't stand kids. Wait, let me rephrase that: I like kids, as long as they're my relatives and I only have to see them for short periods of time.

Lisa Lampanelli: It is fun to make fun of everybody!