Mitch's wife, Lynn Shawcroft, is also a comedian.
His Comedy Central Special ranked #4 in Comedy Central's 2006 Stand-Up Showdown Countdown.
His Comedy Central Special ranked #13 in Comedy Central's 2005 Stand-Up Showdown Countdown.
Mitch has appeared on The Late Show With David Letterman over 10 times, more than any other comedian on the show.
Mitch: I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
Mitch: I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it. He thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch: I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Mitch: I don't have a kid, but if I had a baby, I'd have to buy one of those baby-naming books. Either that or invite someone over who had a cast on.
Mitch: I didn't go to college, but if I had, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.
Mitch: Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch: People say "Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit cigarettes." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.
Mitch: I don't have a girlfriend; I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Mitch: I'm not good with rental cars. A lot of times, I'll find that I have rode 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it don't say much for the emergency brake, either.
Mitch: I saw this fishing show, they caught a fish, but then they let it go. They don't want to eat it, but they do want to make it late for something.
Mitch: I want to hang a map of the world in my house. And then I'll put pins into all the locations I have traveled to... But first, I'll have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.
Mitch: Whenever somebody hands me a flier, it's like they're saying, "Here, *you* throw this away."
Mitch: My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."
Mitch: The thing that's depressing about tennis is no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f****n' relentless.
Mitch: Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure he did not start to load s*** into a truck.
Mitch: My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, "Hey! Hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."
Mitch: I got a business card made, because I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner."
Mitch: I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch: My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition, but people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.
Mitch: Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Damn it, Otto, you have lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.
Mitch: An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Mitch: I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.
Mitch Hedberg: I was writing a letter to my dad, I was going to write "I really like spending time with you ", but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really, so, to save paper i wrote, "I rarely like to drive steamboats" Dad, you should stop pretending that I am a steamboat driver, you don't know me.
Mitch Hedberg: As a headliner I gotta do 45 minutes of comedy, thats a long time, that's a sit-com and a half!
Mitch Hedberg: Hey, check this joke out, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I'll... be f**kin... surprised.
Mitch Hedberg: I order a club sandwitch all the time, and I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it.
Mitch Hedburg: I like re-fried beans, that's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good, and we're wasting time.
Mitch Hedberg: I got an ant farm, them fellas didn't grow s**t.
Mitch Hedberg: I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg: And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
Mitch Hedberg: I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a lake, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
Mitch Hedberg: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg: At some comedy clubs they pass out comment cards. You fill it out with your name and address, and there's a line for comments for people to put what they think. Sometimes people write negative things, and that's not necessary. I've read some that say "Mitch sucks" but I look up above and it has their name and address. That's right, I do suck, but I've got a lot of free time.
Mitch Hedberg: I like baked potatoes, but they take too long to make. Sometimes I throw one in the oven, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows? I throw one in and go on vacation.
Mitch Hedberg: Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg: I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg: I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do [anything] for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
Mitch Hedberg: I like waffles better than pancakes. Because waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. They say to syrup, "You ain't going anywhere, don't even be trying to creep down the sides. Just rest in these squares, if one square is full, move on. When you hit butter, split up."
Mitch Hedberg: I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
Mitch Hedberg: I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D for doughnut.
Mitch Hedberg: I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus! I had 'em back-to-back!"
Mitch Hedberg: I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls. Then, on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, "**** it. Cut 'em up!"
Mitch Hedberg: I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.
Mitch Hedberg: I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."
Mitch: When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a ****. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You ****ers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
Mitch Hedberg: I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
Mitch Hedberg: I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one.
Mitch Hedberg: If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.
Mitch Hedberg: I wanted to get a parrot, but I got a tape recorder instead. It's like a parrot who doesn't fly away. You don't have to worry about a tape recorder just suddenly leaving, in the name of freedom.
Mitch: People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch: In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system; I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog...I'd better play dead." You never say, "Here comes that frog" in a terrified manner. It's always optimistic, like, "Hey, here comes that frog, all right.
Mitch: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
Mitch: It's weird: People say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch: I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.
Mitch: I haven't slept for ten days. Because that would be too long.
Mitch: Wearing a turtle-neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy...all damn day! In fact, if you wear a backpack and a turtle-neck, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down!
Mitch: I'm tired of following my dreams, man, I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with later.
Mitch: I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to too.
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