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Norm: I saw Interview with a vampire this week and here is my review: Not gay enough.
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Norm: My doctor tried to scare me out of smoking. My doc, he showed me a picture of a smokers lung. Ahh, it was gross and distugsting. Then he showed me a picture of a healthy guys lung. Ahh, it was gross and distugsting.
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Norm: Man. There's crazy guys everywhere. I was reading about this guy in the paper. Get this, folks. The guy I was reading about, he killed his whole family because the devil told him to. Do you believe that? What a dork, huh?
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(On SNL, Weekend Update)
Norm:This week in the former Soviet Union, an American engineer for a San Diego-based company was arrested and charged with spying for the United States. Russian authorities say he was caught attempting to smuggle out their secret formula for alcoholism and despair.
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(On SNL)
Norm: In Nebraska, a man was sentenced for killing a female crossdresser [sic] who had accused him of rape and two of her friends. Excuse me if this sounds harsh, but in my mind, they all deserved to die.
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(On SNL after the OJ Simpson Verdict.)
Norm: Well, it's official: murder is legal in the state of California.
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Norm: I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
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Norm: Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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Norm: I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.
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Norm: I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, 'what are you, zero?' And I'd go, 'no, I'm one over here!'