Peter Kay

Peter: You ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks. I swear now, you never get used to that. Rich Teas should never be called one dips.

Peter: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Peter: I was in Greggs t'other day and the woman said "Here y'are love, watch me juices". I said "Hey! I want a pie not your life story!"

Peter: I'm in Bolton, so I won't have to give me mum three rings to let her know I'm home safe. Do you do that? Give her three rings and after the second ring she picks it up. What's the point of that?

Peter: (about Crimewatch reconstructions) You always have some manager, some right borin' manager narrating the reconstructions, he loves it. "I usually arrive at work twenty-to eight, ten-to eight. Er. That particular morning, the morning of the robbery, they were doing, er, servicing works up by the round-about, and the dual-carriageway was gridlocked." Get on with it, son, you're up against Bad Girls 'ere! "I usually open up in the mornings when I arrive. Morning, Jean, that's wrong Jean's been locked in...morning, Jean" "'Bout time an' all, been 'ere all night, thought you were never gon come. I daren't move in case alarm goes off" "Where's Frank, he's late this morning?" Proper wood-un. Frank comes on. "As I was driving towards work, I noticed a small white transit van parked diagonally across both lanes. There were- drrbe! There were two men discussin' somethin'. I- dddrb! I don't know what it was, but they both 'ad sawn-off shotguns. Yeah. I couldn't, yeah. I couldn't quite see their faces clearly as they were wearing ski masks. I thought 'that's odd'. As it hadn't snowed in months."

Peter: Get your 'ands up, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!

Peter: (about Ferguson Video Star VCR) If you were a lad, you couldn't watch a bit o' blue in t'middle of night, 'cause everybody could hear it fast-forwardin' about three streets away. So I've 'eard, anyway. You know? "I'll be up in a minute, mum, I'm just gettin' a drink." Bd-Vrrrrrrrrrrrrr... "Jesus! Shut up!" ...vrrrrr... "Shut up!" ...vrrr. "Shut up! Hiya, mum, y'alright? Mum, I'm stuck! It's got me! It's got me skin! It's got me skin!"

Peter: Why do mums buy crap pop? Why? Why d'they buy it? They go t'supermarket on friday night, do the friday big shop. They come back. They never buy Rola Cola. Rola Cola. Never Coca Cola, or Pepsi, Rola Cola. Panda Cola, or Streamway Cola. 8 litres for 40p. Crap pop. Shit pop. Pop you don't want.

Peter: (about foreign food) Oh, no. Oh, thank you, none of that foreign muck. What? Garlic bread? Garlic bread? Garlic? Bread? Am I hearin' you right? Garlic bread? No, thank you, I've got some milk roll in t'case that'll do me. The toasty loaf. The garlic bread!

Peter: It's like Blackpool, but on speed. Las Vegas.

Peter: (imitating parents of the future) You don't know you're born. All your mum and me used to have in the evenings was Sky Digital. Playstation, yeah. We used to have to manage with a car each, a car each! Your mam, she used to have a dishwasher! You don't remember - look at her face, you don't remember them, do you? She used to have take over all the plates, load them in, by hand, on her own! Turn it on!

Peter: I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Peter: Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Peter: So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest."

Peter: You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Peter: You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Peter: The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"

Peter: So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions."

Peter: I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one."

Peter: So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

Peter: So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays."

Peter: But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Peter: So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

Peter: So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."

Peter: But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.

Peter: So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness."

Peter: You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Peter: So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again."

Peter: So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Peter: He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment."

Peter: Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

Peter: And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

Peter: So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Peter: So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster."

Peter: Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here."

Peter: A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Peter: A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Peter: A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Peter: So a Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Peter: So a seal walks into a club...

Peter: A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Peter: A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Peter: A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Peter: There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Peter: A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Peter: Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

Peter: What do you call male ballerinas?

Peter: Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Peter: What do people in China call their good plates?

Peter: Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Peter: If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Peter: Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Peter: You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Peter: I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Peter: If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

Peter: My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Peter: Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

Peter: I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Peter: I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Peter: I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

Peter: I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

Peter: My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

Peter: When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Peter: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

Peter: Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Peter: Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Peter: If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Peter: Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

Peter: Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Peter: Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Peter: Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Peter: Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Peter: The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher 'mum' or 'dad'.

Peter: Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits '55378008' into a calculator.

Peter: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Peter: Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Peter: Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Peter: My best job before being a stand-up would have to be when I was usher at my local cinema in Bolton, I got to see all the movies for free, got free sweets and I told people endings of films as they were going in, like "I didn't know Al Pacino was in Ghost." The bad thing was I had to go on a course to learn how to thread ticket stubs on a needle and thread.

Peter: Being a Comedian is the only job I've ever managed to keep for a long period of time. In all my other jobs after a while it got to the point where it was like I wasn't there. Hey I bet my former bosses are sat right now saying, "You're damn right you wasn't there, that's why you're not there now!" but I guess I never settled because I wasn't meant to pack toilet rolls or stack shelves, I was destined to make people laugh.