Robert Kelly

Robert Kelly: I think when you first do stand up, I don't know about other people, but it's like a drug, like women and sex. I didn't drink. I quit. I've been sober 20 years. It was just another way to feel good about yourself. That's the best part about comics is that we hate ourselves. We're egomaniacs with inferior complexes. We think we're the [expletive], we always think we're supposed to be great. "I'm the star. I'm somebody, right? They keep telling me I'm somebody."

[On breaking his knee]
Robert Kelly: The low point was definitely when I broke my knee. They were wheeling me into the E.R. and I was starting to lose it, I was in some [expletive] pain, like I needed to squeeze something. So you can hear me say 'hold my hand, man.' As soon as I said it I knew - it was like the gayest thing. But they called Opie and Anthony and fed them the audio, me going "I broke my knee, man. Hold my hand, man." They played it on the air. Next thing you know they've got over 100 remixes - their fans are crazy. One fan mixed it in with a scene where Joe Pesci got shot, another put it in a Led Zeppelin song.

[On winning the go-kart championship on Tourgasm
Robert Kelly: What they didn't show in that episode is that I really thought I was going to lose. So before we did that, I actually did a whole thing about it's OK to be a loser and how I was going to lose intentionally so kids out there who are losers would think it's OK. Then when I won, you know what I found out? If you lose, you're a [expletive] loser. If you win, you're a goddamn winner. And I'm a winner. Every night I kissed the trophy when I went back into the bus. Every night. And Dane [Cook] showed me a photograph 2 weeks ago that he would stick the trophy up his [expletive] every night before I would come back.

Robert Kelly: Hold my hand, man.

Robert Kelly: I broke my knee man!