Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney: I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney: I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Rodney: I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Rodney: I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Rodney: I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Rodney: I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Rodney: I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney: I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney: I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Rodney: I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Rodney: I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Rodney: I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Rodney: If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Rodney: It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Rodney: Life is just a bowl of pits.

Rodney: Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Rodney: Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Rodney: My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Rodney: My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Rodney: I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney: I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Rodney: I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney: I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney: I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

Rodney: I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney: I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney: I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Rodney: At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

Rodney: Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Rodney: A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney: My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Rodney: Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney: With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney: With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Rodney: When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney: When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Rodney: What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney: What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Rodney: We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney: This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Rodney: They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

Rodney: The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney: Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Rodney: One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Rodney: On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Rodney: My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Rodney: My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney: My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Rodney: My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Rodney: My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

Rodney: My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney: My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Rodney: My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney: My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Rodney: My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.