Seth Meyers

Seth Meyers


12/28/1973, Bedford, New Hampshire, USA

Birth Name

Seth Adam Meyers


out of 10
User Rating
59 votes


Seth Meyers was born December 28, 1973 in Bedford, New Hampshire. He joined "Saturday Night Live" on September 29, 2001 as a featured player and was promoted to regular in the 2003-2004 season. Meyers has played the recurring role of Jonathan Feinstein, a disc jockey appearing in the…more


Trivia and Quotes

  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Seth: A new book released this week about President Obama reveals details of his relationship with ex-girlfriend Genevieve Cook, including that she spent the night at his apartment on their first date. So at least there was a time when he could get things done quickly.
      Seth: President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, 'Forward'. Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama.

    • Seth: A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a woman's car after skipping out on the check on their first date. I don't know what's sadder, the fact that he did that, or the fact that she's still counting it as a date.

    • Seth: A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested for putting a forged 50 dollar check in a church offering plate and for stealing a woman's wallet from a pew. But you know what? A lot of people don't even go to church.

    • Seth: Conservative lawmakers in Egypt have called for a ban on imports of a kit meant to help women fake their virginity on their wedding night. The kit consists of a back brace and a Battlestar Galactica nightie.

    • Seth: It was announced that Rush Limbaugh will be a judge for the 2010 Miss America pageant. This is an early boost to miss Connecticut, whose talent is filling out illegal prescriptions.

    • Seth: The federal government has launched a plan to use stimulus money to build playgrounds nationwide. "Yay," said a 40 year old man with no children who then quickly asked, 'who said yay'?

    • Seth: It was announced Friday that golf and rugby will be added to the Olympic Games in 2016. Though to save time they will be combined into one sport.

    • Seth: The November issue of Playboy magazine will feature Marge Simpson on the cover. So I guess we'll finally find out if the beehive matches the carpet.

    • Seth: The Swiss Justice Ministry on Tuesday rejected Roman Polanski's plea to be released from custody expressing fear that he might flee the country. Now my fear is will a Swiss jail hold him?

    • Seth: President Obama reacted to his Nobel Peace Prize win saying, "I accept this award as a call to action." That's great, but just as a reminder, that's what the election was too.

    • Seth: Republican Committee Chairman Michael Steele criticized President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize win, asking, "What has President Obama actually accomplished?" Well, for starters Michael Steele, if it weren't for Obama you wouldn't have your job.

    • Seth: In a surprise decision, President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize Friday. In other premature awards this week, high school football player Billy Reynolds has been named this year's Heisman Trophy winner, 5th grader Amber Collins has been named Miss America, and 9 year-old Dylan Holt has been named People's 'Sexiest Man Alive.

    • Seth: Starting Monday, 7-11 will begin testing a new plastic wrap designed to keep bananas yellow and firm for five days. Though if your banana remains firm for more than 5 days call a doctor immediately.

    • Seth: Nora, a 5 year old cat who likes to bang piano keys as if she is actually playing, has been named "Cat of the Year" by the ASPCA. As in 'honey, the cat of the year just threw up again.

    • Seth: A disabled man in Georgia who had his wallet stolen at gunpoint says that all he wants back is his lucky penny that was in the wallet. I don't know if it was that lucky, man who was robbed at gunpoint.

    • Seth: A company that designs fonts is suing NBC for 2 million dollars for trademark infringement for using their fonts during a recent ad campaign. Joke's on them; we don't have 2 million dollars.

    • Seth: The director of health care at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in New York State banned beer pong this week after several students got swine flu from playing the popular drinking game. Though it could also have been the result of another popular college drinking game, 'make out with a stranger'.

    • Seth: It was revealed this week that the cast of the upcoming Celebrity Apprentice will include Sharon Osbourne, Sinbad and Rod Blagojevich. I think we've finally reached the point in our society where "celebrity" just means 'mammal.'

    • Seth: A justice of the peace in Louisiana, who refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple, defended his actions saying, "I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way." Okay, just a tip for all you racists out there…never follow a denial of racism with the definition.

    • Seth: The Dow Jones on Thursday rose past the 10,000 mark for the first time in over a year. "Hooray!" shouted 15 million unemployed Americans watching CNN in their pajamas in the middle of the day.

    • In a speech to the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay rights group, President Obama on Saturday pledged to end to the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Even better for gays, it's being replaced with a new policy, 'Truth or Dare'.

    • Seth: Olympia Snowe's vote was hailed as a victory for bipartisanship. So now you only need one Republican to be bipartisan? Those are pretty low standards. That's like saying you're bi-lingual if you say "ola" to the nanny.

    • Seth: Republican Senator Olympia Snowe warned Tuesday that while she crossed party lines to vote for the new health care bill in Committee, that doesn't mean that she will vote for it when it reaches the Senate floor. Adding, 'come on, guys, chase me.

    • Seth: After the Senate Finance Committee approved the new health care bill this week. President Obama said Tuesday that the new health care bill declared "we are now closer than ever before to passing health reform." In much the same way that I am now closer than ever before to being 300 years old.

    • Seth: On Thursday a boy hid in a box. So, I guess that was a faster way to tell that story.

    • Seth: Nevada on Thursday began issuing domestic partnership certificates as a state law went into effect providing many marital rights to gay partners."Yay!" said every magician in Las Vegas."

    • Seth: This week paleontologists revealed a discovery of "Ardi," a 4 million year-old female human ancestor. Based on this artists' rendering, scientists were able to determine that Ardi had a tough time in high school.

    • Seth: A high school in Georgia has banned its cheerleaders from displaying football banners with biblical verses on them as school-sponsored groups cannot promote a particular religious view. I believe the quote in question refers to Jesus, who once said of the Pharasees, 'push 'em back, push 'em back, waaaay back.

    • Seth: It is being reported that Kate Hudson may be pregnant with boyfriend Alex Rodriguez's baby. If true it would be the first time A-Rod has ever produced in October.

    • Seth: A new study shows that kids who eat a lot of candy are more likely to be arrested for violent behavior as adults, said that weird old lady who gives out apples on Halloween.

    • Seth: On Wednesday, a 55 year-old inmate escaped from Rikers Island after he convinced guards that he was a lawyer. Guards probably should've become suspicious when he was wearing a suit he carved out of soap.

    • Seth: According to the doctor who performed his autopsy report, Michael Jackson was mostly in fine physical shape when he died. The doctor then added, 'Oh- nope- hang on, I had the chart upside down, god no in heaven…

    • Seth: At the United Nations Security Council on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton, referring to her position as president of the council, said "I kind of like being a president." Oh, we just had an election last year, you should have said something.

    • Seth: It was reported this week that director Roman Polanski's arrest on unlawful sex charges came as he arrived in Switzerland where he was to attend a film festival and receive a lifetime achievement award. In light of this, Osama bin Laden will be given the Irving G. Thalberg award at this year's Oscars.

    • Seth: A producer for 48 Hours was arrested Thursday for attempting a "stupid human trick." It was reported that the blackmailer, Joe Halderman, was threatening to reveal embarrassing details of his personal life. For example, after sex Letterman would always say, 'Stay tuned for Craig Ferguson.'

    • Seth: Iran on Thursday agreed to open its newly revealed uranium enrichment plant to international inspectors in the next two weeks and to send most of its enriched uranium to Russia to be turned into fuel. See, nothing to worry about. They're just enriching tons of uranium and sending it to Russ--wait, what?

    • Seth: Although many in Chicago were disappointed, with the decision of the International Olympic Committee, Cubs fans took the news best as they're used to hearing the phrase…'Chicago has been eliminated.'

    • Seth: It was reported this week that Luciano Pavarotti lip-synched his final performance at the 2006 Torino Winter Olympics because the bitter cold made it impossible for him to sing. Many spectators grew suspicious when midway through the song, Pavarotti ate a turkey sub.

    • Seth: A local government in Indonesia is attempting to curb prostitution by asking masseuses to wear a padlock on their pants. But if I know masseuses, I have a feeling this story still has a happy ending.

    • Seth: In anticipation of Pope Benedict's trip to New York next week, t-shirts, mugs, posters and Pope bobblehead dolls are going on sale all over the city. After all, the pope deserves the same respect and admiration that we bestow upon 'Scarface'.

    • Seth: A topless photo of Carla Bruni, the model turned current French first lady, was sold at auction Thursday for 91,000 dollars, to someone who is clearly not familiar with Google Image search.

    • Seth: Surgeons from Johns Hopkins University Hospital successfully performed the first-ever 6-way kidney transplant last Saturday. Disturbingly, all 6 patients had only gone in for flu shots.

    • Seth: Police in Wisconsin are searching for three men who stole $24,000 dollars worth of Miller beer. $24,000 dollars worth of Miller? Did they steal all of it?

    • Seth: The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many quarters including Nancy Reagan who called him 'an American hero,' President Bush, who described him as an 'advocate for liberty,' and apes, who called him 'Public Enemy #1.

    • Seth: Two volunteer groups in Arizona have set up cameras on the Mexican border, so that people with fast internet connections can sign up to monitor the cameras remotely and report illegal immigrants. Said one illegal immigrant, 'Hey, free camera!

    • Seth: American Airlines on Wednesday canceled 2400 flights this week stranding 150,000 travelers as it inspected the wiring on some of its jets. Said one relieved passenger on a competing airline, 'I am just so grateful Continental doesn't do inspections.

    • Seth: Swedish automaker Saab admitted this week that for certain tests they used human cadavers as crash-test dummies. Worse, they weren't cadavers before the test.

    • Seth: Amy Winehouse was arrested Wednesday in connection with a video that allegedly shows her doing drugs at a party. Winehouse could be looking at real jail time under England's harsh 'bazillion strikes' law.

    • Seth: An online auction to benefit the Robert F. Kennedy Memorial, a human rights advocacy group, is selling tea with Alan Greenspan for 11,000 dollars. Or, for twelve thousand, you can have the tea alone.

    • Seth: According to researchers a type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually offer some protection against diabetes. Though it more than triples you chance of contracting Sir Mix-A-Lot.

    • Seth: Hillary Andrews, a former Weather Channel anchorwoman, has won a sexual-harassment claim against Bob Stokes, her male co-anchor, whom she accused of repeatedly asking her about her sex life and making crude remarks such as 'Will you lick my swizzle stick?'

    • Seth: According to a new survey, the national average price for regular gasoline rose about 15 cents in the last two weeks. Meaning that if gas gets any more expensive, rappers will start to drink it.

    • Seth: New York's Edward Cardinal Egan celebrated Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral on Sunday wearing a new golden robe given to him by Pope Benedict. So, looks like it's getting pretty serious.

    • Seth: This week New York City Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress. Or, as it's known in Washington, 'the Trifecta'.

    • Seth: Astronauts living on the International Space Station will soon be getting their drinking water from a new system that recycles their urine into drinkable water. Said one Space Station astronaut, 'It would have been nice to get a heads-up on that before we got here.

    • Seth: A Swiss man this week successfully tested a new device he built which is a retractable wing with four jet engines strapped to his back. In an interview the man said he envisions a day when everyone will die this way.

    • Seth: A man in Florida is suing after he was ticketed on a beach for wearing a Speedo. Though, in fairness, he was wearing it as an ascot.

    • Seth: A man in Australia has been fined after buckling a case of beer with a seatbelt, but leaving a 5 year-old child to sit on the car's floor. Earning him the title of 'World's Australian-est Man.

    • Seth: Britney Spears was involved in another car collision on Tuesday when she hit the back of an SUV in Beverly Hills. Damage was minimal though, as Spears was on foot.

    • Seth: John Hammons, a 19 year-old freshman at the University of Oklahoma, became the mayor of Muskogee this week, when he was the last person in town to shout 'not it!

    • Seth: Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, Morgan Freeman and Barbara Streisand will be recognized at the Kennedy Center Honors this the worst version of The Who ever assembled.

    • Seth: A middle school teacher in Montana suffered some bruising and a large scratch on his back after he struck a bear while riding his bicycle to school and not, repeat not from a night of meth-fueled rough sex with a stranger.

    • Seth: Drew Gray, a 5-year-old in Illinois scored a hole-in-one at a par 3 golf course this week, though he still finished the day 229 over par.

    • Seth: Injured New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, will be replaced by Matt Cassel an untested inexperienced back-up. Earning Cassel the nickname, 'Sarah Palin'.

    • Seth: A freshman at Michigan State University was randomly assigned to the same dorm room his father occupied in 1978. A fact that will no doubt cross his mind every time he masturbates.

    • Seth: Russell Crowe recently pleaded with Australian authorities to grant entry into the country for his friend Snoop Dogg, who is banned because of his drug arrests. Begging the question, 'Is there a worse guy to vouch for you than Russell Crowe?

    • Seth: OJ Simpson's trial for kidnapping, armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon started Monday. Man, you know you've lived a crazy life when a trial for kidnapping, armed robbery and assault isn't your most interesting trial.

    • Seth: A tailor in Serbia in planning to make a pair of pants that are large enough to fit 100 men. The story is detailed in the new movie…'Brotherhood of the Jostling Weiners'.

    • Seth: A man in Michigan stole nearly 250 empty beer cans from a 7-11 store and then told police that his crack cocaine habit drove him to do it. So they had you on stealing empty cans and you gave them a major charge? That's like saying 'Sorry about the littering, officer, I'm just so distracted ever since I killed my wife.

    • Seth: Star Trek's George Takei and his longtime partner, Brad Altman, were married this past Sunday. Set your phasers on STUNNING! The couple vowed to boldly go where no man has gone before except the both of them with each other, many, many times.

    • Seth: Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Lawrence Ellison top the Forbes list of the top 10 richest people in the U.S. having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly eight thousand dollars.

    • Seth: Pope Benedict delivered an anti-euthanasia message this week, saying that people must accept death at 'the hour chosen by God.' And then he rode away in a heavily armored, bulletproof car.

    • Seth: A New Jersey man is suing two men for allegedly using Facebook to organize an attack on him at a bar. By the time police arrived, the man had been Super Poked beyond recognition.

    • Seth: Police in Portland, Oregon told a woman who was skating nude to stop after construction workers complained. Which raises the question: what in God's name has happened to construction workers?

    • Seth: Sunday's 60th Primetime Emmy Awards were hosted by the five reality show nominees in an apparent attempt to make us hate television.

    • Seth: Animal rights group PETA is urging Ben and Jerry's to replace the milk they use in their ice cream with human breast milk. After which, Ben and Jerry's introduced their new flavor, Chocolate Chip Mink… cuz they're not gonna use breast milk.

    • Seth: is The first presidential debate took place last night, and earlier in the week Barack Obama said he would be at the debate whether John McCain showed up or not. Marking the first time in history that a black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a white one.

    • Seth: Treasury secretary Henry Paulson said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion dollars. To give you an idea of how much money that is, I can't give you an idea of how much money that is.

    • Seth: A company in Japan has developed a set of kneepads that allow men to squat down in front of the toilet, reducing the possibility of splash back when they urinate. Also, that's not what they're for.

    • Seth: It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford is engaged to his longtime girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Unfortunately, the news came to light in the final paragraph of Chewbacca's suicide note.

    • Seth: Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching 10th grade English at a New York City school. The network is already preparing a spin-off series, in which a group of students repeat 10th grade English.

    • Seth: Karta, an orangutan at a zoo in Australia, escaped from her enclosure on Sunday, after she short-circuited an electric fence and broke free. She then climbed over the fence, where another orangutan was waiting with the car running.

    • Seth: Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Gosselin from the reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8, denied that she and her husband were splitting up. Though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled "Jon Plus 4" and 'Kate Plus 4'.

    • Seth: JP Morgan Bank is foreclosing on the Long Island mansion owned by Victoria Gotti, the 46-year-old daughter of Mafia boss John Gotti. In related news - - the JP Morgan bank has just been found floating in the East River.

    • Seth: Astronaut Mike Massimo, who is aboard the Space Shuttle Atlantis, became the first person to Twitter from space when he sent the message, "Launch was awesome!" So in forty years we went from ..."one giant leap for mankind," to "Launch was awesome!" I assume if we ever encounter intelligent life in the cosmos, this is how we'll be notified. 'Alienz, you guys".

    • Seth: This week, "Chanel," who has been named the world's oldest dog by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old. Chanel also holds the world record for "longest time playing dead" so I'm just saying maybe someone should check on Chanel."

    • Seth: A Philadelphia museum has rejected a request to test its sample of Abraham Lincoln's blood to see if the 16th president had a rare genetic disorder. Which is weird, because I thought we were pretty clear on cause of death.

    • Seth: A pair of identical twins in China married another pair of identical twins. What are the odds of that? Actually, in China, about 3 to 1.

    • Seth: Harry Potter: The Exhibition" opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry last week, using over 200 props to recreate the magical world of Hogwarts. The exhibit offers fans a chance to meet magical creatures like Buckbeak the Hippogriff, Dobey the house elf, and Barry the 47 Year-Old Who Is Required To Introduce Himself Under Megan's Law."

    • Seth: Police in California arrested a man who tried to smuggle songbirds into the US by strapping more than a dozen birds to his legs and trying to walk out of the Los Angeles Airport. Police became suspicious when they noticed the man was twittering without a blackberry.

    • Seth: Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend. Before the wedding, the couple registered at Craate and Baarrehyl. Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend. The wedding video is already nominated for an Independent Spirit Award. Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend. Here is their official celebrity couple nickname AAARAAA. Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend. They wrote their own vowels.

    • Seth: In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, John Edwards' wife Elizabeth said that she has "no idea" if the former presidential candidate is the father of his mistress' baby. Though, judging from this photo, I'd say there's a resemblance.

    • Seth: ESPN is reporting that the drug that resulted in Manny Ramirez's suspension from baseball was a fertility drug. How did a fertility drug make him a better baseball player. That's not his bat.

    • Seth: Pope Benedict on Friday began his first trip to the Middle East in hopes that the Catholic Church can play a role in the region's peace process. And because it's the Middle East, he traveled in the official pope mobile inside another pope mobile.

    • Seth: Louis Caldera, the White House Aide who authorized the controversial photograph of Air Force One over Manhattan resigned on Friday. May I suggest that they replace him with PhotoShop. You don't have to fly Air Force One over Manhattan to get a picture of Air Force One over Manhattan. Look here's Air Force One at the pyramids. Here it is in a crowded elevator. And here it is on the red carpet with the Space Shuttle. And of course there is the popular children's book, 'Where's Air Force One?'

    • Seth: Police in Germany scrambled helicopters over a forest after getting reports of hysterical sounds that people thought were the cries of someone being murdered, but instead turned out to be someone laughing at a book he was reading. Ah, Germans always confusing laughter and murder.

    • Seth: A man in Russia, who drank three bottles of vodka and survived a 50 foot fall from a balcony after he jumped to get away from his nagging wife, survived a second jump after his wife continued to nag him. I don't know what brand of vodka it was, but that should be the commercial for it.

    • Seth: John Liu, a New York City councilman, on Thursday demanded that a Texas lawmaker apologize for saying that Asian-American voters should adopt names that are, quote, "easier for Americans to deal with." Surprisingly, Liu was shouted down by fellow Asian councilman, Cowboy Baseball.

    • Seth: Evanger's Dog and Cat food company has released a line of kosher food for pets. In this case kosher means that all of the food has been blessed by a rabbit.

    • Seth: It is rumored that Nadya Suleman, the Octomom, will soon sign a deal to feature her and her 14 children in a reality show. The show is called "Who Wants To Marry...What? No One?" I get it.

    • Seth: After 72 years and over 15,000 episodes, CBS is canceling the soap opera "Guiding Light." CBS said the show's viewership dropped in recent months after white people started having real problems.

    • Seth: Researchers in Brooklyn have recently developed a drug that is capable of erasing certain memories in animals. This replaces the old way of making animals forget something-waiting 5 minutes."

    • Seth: Developers this week introduced the PUMA, a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle that they say is a fast, safe and clean way to show people that you're a rich weirdo.

    • Seth: A new study finds that almost one in five American 4 year olds are obese. Thanks in no small part to new Lunchables Extreme.

    • Seth: A new comic is being published this summer called "Barack the Barbarian," which features the president in a loin cloth. Also featuring the president in a loin cloth, Chris Matthews' daydreams.

    • Seth: President Obama on Thursday night hosted what may be the first Seder in the White House. And, in a sign of popularity, Elijah showed up.

    • Seth: President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq on Tuesday and declared that it was time for Iraqis to "take responsibility for their country." Said Iraqis, 'you guys first.

    • Seth: A New York businessman is launching a new kosher tequila in time for Cinco de Mayo. "Finally," said Pablo Goldberg.

    • Seth: A couple in New York State were arrested this week after their two children showed up at their elementary school high on marijuana. A teacher became suspicious when the kids' show and tell topic was 'my amazing hand'.

    • Seth: A man in West Virginia sank two consecutive holes-in-one this week. Said the man's wife, 'Oh, is that a lot?'.

    • Seth: It has been rumored that during his first concert in London this summer, Michael Jackson's son Prince Michael the first, will make a surprise appearance on stage. Where it's expected he will point to his dad and tell the police officer accompanying him, 'That's the guy'.

    • Seth: New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg on Thursday praised the Reverend Al Sharpton calling him a "calming influence on the city." Wow. What are the odds of a city having two reverends named Al Sharpton?.

    • Seth: It was reported this week that a man who was proposing to his girlfriend on the Brooklyn Bridge dropped the ring, causing it to fall to the road below. The story has a happy ending though...the man didn't have to get engaged.

    • Seth: Suspended NFL star Michael Vick told a bankruptcy court on Friday that his time in prison has given him a chance to think and he realized that he "can't live like the old Mike Vick." Mostly because that guy lives in prison.

    • Seth: A government study has found that traces of a chemical used in rocket fuel were found in samples of powdered baby formula, and could exceed what is considered a safe dose. On the upside, flying babies.

    • Seth: Three boys in southwest Michigan, who were looking for old bottles, discovered a bone from a mammoth. So they made a bong out of that instead.

    • Seth: When President Obama met with England's Queen Elizabeth he presented her with an Ipod loaded with Broadway song, while she gave the Obamas a silver-framed photo of herself and Prince Phillip. So congratulations on having no winners in that gift exchange. When I think of things an 83 year old super rich British woman would want an Ipod is pretty far down the list, right between "bus pass" and "sneakers with wheels on the bottom," and when I think of things a 47 year old super cool black man would want a picture of an 83 year-old superrich British lady is dead last. You both have to step it up. Obama --- first DVDs for the Prime Minister and now this. I'm not saying it's easy buying a gift for the queen. She wears the same outfit everyday and her only hobby is waving. But if you're looking for gift ideas for foreign leaders maybe check with the state department and not Sasha and Malia. This is an audience with the Queen of England, not the third night of Hanukkah. And while we're at it, Queen of England, a picture of yourself is not a good gift. It's like saying, "if you liked having this quiet awkward exchange with me, imagine if it never ended." In short, let's remember you're world leaders not secret santas.

    • Seth: Indian car maker Tata motors, has unveiled the world's cheapest car, which sells for 2000 dollars. The Tata is not the world's most attractive car, but they look better when you push two of them together.

    • Seth: After First Lady Michelle Obama was photographed in London this week wearing clothes from J. Crew, the store has been selling out of the clothes she was seen wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler.

    • Seth: This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven't seen old white dudes this excited to meet a black guy since Michael Jordan's Fantasy Camp.

    • Seth: On Tuesday, Barack Obama warned that the country could face "trillion-dollar deficits for years to come." In an address many said was reminiscent of Martin Luther King's famous "I Had a Bad Dream" speech."

    • Seth: Lawmakers in New Jersey are proposing a ban on Brazilian waxing. If it passes New Jersey will change its nickname to the Over-Grown Garden State.

    • Seth: President Barack Obama said on Monday that human cloning is dangerous, profoundly wrong and has no place in society. An opinion he formed after coming home to find Obama-2.0 in bed with Michelle.

    • Seth: In a speech Tuesday President Obama outlined new education goals that propose longer school days and longer school years. That's a brilliant idea! said Catherine, the 5th grader nobody likes.

    • Seth: A man in Arkansas this past weekend flew over a river in a jetpack powered only by hair bleach. But was disappointed, when he reached the other side, to discover he was still an idiot.

    • Seth: A new study shows that, in recent years, the number of home-schooled children in the US has ballooned to 1.5 million. Or, if you're home schooled, five eleventy thousand."

    • Seth: All 5 living presidents met for an historic lunch at the White House this week. Administration officials said that the idea for the gathering came from Barack Obama, and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie. Afterwards, there was a fight over who would pay the lunch bill but eventually they all agreed they would leave it up to future generations.

    • Seth: One of the passengers on the US Airways flight that crashed in the Hudson River was a singer-songwriter who came to New York in search of creative inspiration. So be on the lookout for her new song entitled, Aieee!!!

    • Seth: Tomorrow is Super Bowl 43, in which the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals will open for Springsteen.

    • Seth: A woman in Thailand broke her own record by spending 33 days with 5,000 scorpions. Not as impressive as it sounds when you consider that for the final 17 days she was dead.

    • Seth: The Illinois state legislature on Thursday voted unanimously to remove Governor Rod Blagojevich from office and barred him from ever holding public office in the state again. When informed of his impeachment Blagojevich was so stunned his hair stood on end, killing six people in the office above.

    • Seth: Today is Valentines Day. So i just want to say to everyone watching at home: better luck next year.

    • Seth: A homeless man in Florida, who claimed to be the drummer for the rock band Foreigner, allegedly tricked a woman into letting him use her Corvette and then promptly crashed it. Fortunately, he got out of jail in time to make his appearance on Letterman.

    • Seth: Colonel Sanders handwritten recipe for fried chicken was returned to KFC headquarters in Kentucky this week after five months in hiding while security around it was upgraded. Spoiler alert: it's salt, everybody. The secret ingredient is salt."

    • Seth: In an interview with ESPN Alex Rodriguez admitted Monday that he's taken steroids. Though apparently never in October.

    • Seth: NASA reported that two communications satellites on Tuesday collided in orbit, which explains why my OnStar kept screaming save yourself!

    • Seth: Police in Oregon are searching for an arsonist who likes to burn green Ford Escorts from the 1990s. I'm not a cop, but maybe keep an eye on the very specific thing he likes and then arrest whoever comes to burn it.

    • Seth: The director of Iowa's Department of Aging said he will not use the abbreviation DOA, since it is also code for Dead on Arrival.

    • Seth: Some environmentalists are pushing for hunters to start using green bullets, which do not contain lead and do not harm the environment. Except of course for that part of the environment that is - deer.

    • Seth: (On Square Root Day) This Tuesday, which was 3/3/09, was Square Root Day and will not occur again until April 4, 2016. If you already knew that, gimme your lunch money!

    • Seth: The Iranian government this week has demanded an apology from Hollywood, saying the films 300 and The Wrestler were insulting to Iranians. Well about this Iran. You apologize for the Hostage Crisis, Pursuing Nuclear Weapons, High Gas Prices, Financing Hamas, Denying the Holocaust, and Setting Fire to a Danish Embassy because you were mad about a couple of cartoons and THEN get your apology for The Wrestler.

    • Seth: (On Citigroup) Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped to below one dollar a share. Making it the first stock to be offered on the McDonald's value menu.

    • Seth: The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional 30 billion dollars to insurance giant AIG. According to AIG officials, 15 billion will be used to build the world's largest toilet, down which the other 15 billion will be flushed."

    • Seth: (Talking about Brad Pitt's visit to the White House) This week, President Obama met with Brad Pitt at the White House. So, I think everything is going to be okay.

    • Seth: (on Madonna) She's the reason I asked my parents what the word 'virgin' meant. I've been fantasizing about her for so long, I feel like she's entitled to half my earnings.

  • What I think About The Awesomes

    i think this cartoon should run 9 seasons I love hot wire and Prock and all the others its CLASSIC

  • Time to pack! he's GOT TO GO...

    12 years being on the show? and 5 years of it just sitting behind that table. weekend update is funny but not like funny haha! we just don't get it.