Steven Wright

Steven: A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

Steven: 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

Steven: So I've been e-mailing my answering machine which has been sending faxes to my cellular subconscious which has call waiting so in case I'm thinking about some thing else I can get back to myself later.

Steven: The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Steven: I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven: A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven: On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Steven: OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Steven: My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Steven: Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Steven: Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Steven: Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

Steven: If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Steven: When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven: I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Steven: I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.

Steven: Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Steven: A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Steven: Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven: I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven: How young can you die of old age?

Steven: For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.