Victoria Wood

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    • Victoria: People think I'm Dawn French sometimes. They come up to me and just ask "what's it like being married to Lenny Henry?" I say "How should I know, I've only seen him on a muesli commercial."

    • Victoria: I'm not getting anything from Jersey, it's against my rights, because that's where they filmed Bergerac.

    • Victoria: I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

    • Victoria: I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room ... I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.

    • Victoria: Did you know sex is going out of fashion? It's a little trend I've started.

    • Victoria: I looked up the symptoms of pregnancy ... moody, irritable, big bosoms ... I've obviously been pregnant for thirty-six years.

    • Victoria: You know that building in London where all the windows blew out? That wasn't a bomb, it was fifty-six pre-menstrual women the day the chocolate machine broke down.

    • Victoria: All my friends started getting boyfriends ... but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

    • Victoria: In my day we didn't have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television ... and as far as I was concerned, if Pinky and Perky didn't do it, I didn't want to know about it.

    • Victoria: I thought you could get pregnant if you swam the backstroke in the same lane as a boy who'd just swum the butterfly.

    • Victoria: Claire Rayner: She's so nice and sympathetic and understanding, you just want to smack her in the face with a broccoli quiche.

    • Victoria: I haven't got a waist. I've just got a sort of place ... a bit like an unmarked level crossing.

    • Victoria: Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

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