Woody Allen

Woody Allen: If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Woody Allen: The biggest flaw in being self-taught is there are gaps. You self-teach yourself something and you think you know something fairly well, but then there are gaps a university teacher would have taught you as part of a mandatory program. I would probably have been better off if I'd got a better general education, but I was just so bored.

Woody Allen: Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

Woody Allen: I was thrown out of NYU (New York University) for cheating on my Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen: For me, being famous didn't help me that much. It helped a little. Warren Beatty once said to me many years ago, being a star is like being in a whorehouse with a credit card, and I never found that. For me, it was like being in a whorehouse with a credit card that had expired.

Woody Allen: I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man's plight in this mysterious universe.

Woody Allen: I wasn't away. And I'm not back. "Match Point" was a film about luck, and it was a very lucky film for me. I did it the way I do all my pictures, and it just worked. I needed a rainy day, I got a rainy day. I needed sun, I got sun. Kate Winslet dropped out at the last moment because she wanted to be with her family, and Scarlett Johansson was available on two days' notice. It's like I couldn't ruin this picture no matter how hard I tried.

Woody Allen: Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Woody Allen: It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Woody Allen: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Woody Allen: It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Woody Allen: Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Woody Allen: Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen: My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen: On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

Woody Allen: Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Woody Allen: Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Woody Allen: The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Woody Allen: Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought--particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Woody Allen: If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

Woody Allen: I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Woody Allen: I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen: I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen: I am at two with nature.

Woody Allen: Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen: There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen: Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Woody Allen: What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Woody Allen: When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Woody Allen: Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Woody Allen: You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Woody Allen: It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.