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Dr. Cox: Look here, I was thinking maybe, maybe you'd rather just stay in tonight. You know have some pizza watch, watch some movies, what do you say?... Are you trying to smile? (edit) J.D.: Look the point is, think of the millions of times you chose to not to hang out with your wife, 'cause you were trying to hang out with me. You know, maybe it's time you started acting like a real husband, instead of acting like some sort of crazy... cowboy.
Turk: A cowboy?
J.D.: I don't know, it just came to me. (edit) Elliot: Oh, don't worry. He's not allowed to talk!
Lindsay: Is that true?
Elliot: You may nod. (edit) J.D.: Back to your room Mr. Johnson, you've got one ventricle! (edit) J.D.'s Narration: After sharing a quick victory dance with Roland, the heavy-set orderly who, coincidentally, was my victory dance coach...
Roland: Pop the hips, pop the hips J.D.
J.D.: OK, there it is. Thanks Roland, one day I'll get it.
Roland: I doubt it. (edit) Janitor: You gave me a cursed uniform!
Dr. Kelso: Ha, ha, ha, it's not cursed, its simple psychology. I chose Robin's-Egg blue because it has a calming effect on people & I knew it would be the thorn in your paw. Other colours evoke different reactions, for example bright orange has been found to provoke hostility.
Ted: Doctor Kelso, I wanna thank you again for the tie.
(Ted is thumped in the arm by Todd)
Todd: Fist Five!
Ted: OWW! It's the third time today. (edit) Turk: What? What! Were you gonna eat that? How about this, let's all have fries, huh, let's all have fries! You want fries!?!
Carla: Turk, you said you were OK!
J.D.: My fries! (edit) Jordan: (Motionless face and voice) Owwww! I think you separated my shoulder, the pain is excruciating.
Turk: What? (edit) Dr. Cox: Listen to me carefully, I know all about what it's like to be a teenage girl, wah wah wah. Course, I never had to try to convince my mother that I sure would have liked a navel ring.
Elliot: Oh, well, we were all going to Jamaica and my friend Susan... (edit) J.D.: Can I get up, my butt is asleep.
Turk: NO!
Carla: Turk, you know how I was so upset because you started calling your ex-girlfriend? I just couldn't understand how a married person could slip up like that, now I do. I'm so sorry.
J.D.: Me too buddy.
Turk: Guys, as insane as this may sound I'm actually gonna be OK with this. Just do me a favor, no more apologies and no more explanations and for the love of God, honey, no more girl-on-girl kissing demonstrations.
Cut to Cafeteria
Todd: Something horrible has happened. (edit) Janitor: Nice, huh?
J.D.: Who gets a tattoo of a mop? (edit) Dr. Cox: However, if you'd like to know about why I'm butting in, it's because your young patient Lindsay here, when she was 10 years old, I'm the one who diagnosed her with epilepsy and now that her medication is no longer controlling her seizures, I'd like to know what's going on. Besides, over the years, Lindsay and I have developed quite a rapport. Hey Lindsay, what's up girlfriend?
Lindsay looks at Cox, then looks away with embarrassment.
Dr. Cox: See, rapport. (edit) J.D.: It was barely even a kiss dude; it was like an accidental lip bump, like oops.
Turk: WHOOAAA! Don't even look at her. Sit on the floor.
J.D.: Sitting.
Carla: Fine, I'll show you with Elliot.
Cut to cafeteria
Todd: Something wonderful is happening. (edit) Dr. Cox: Ah damn it Jordan, come on. Now you know I'm generally OK with you putting any poison you want into your body, but this is the first time I've ever won anything!
Jordan: It's not that bad.
Dr. Cox: Reeeaaally? Show me happy...
Jordan's face is motion-less.
Dr. Cox: Sad...
Again, Jordan's face doesn't move.
Dr. Cox: Silly...
Still nothing
Dr. Cox: Amused, bemused, c-mused...
Still nothing.
Dr. Cox: Show me angry.
Jordan puts a swift knee to his testicles.
Dr. Cox: AARRGGHH! Got angry down. (edit) Dr. Cox: I'm hearing the hate but I'm not seeing the hate. You... Oh my God! Did you Botox you face into an expressionless mask?
Jordan: Pedro called me ma'am. (edit) Dr. Cox: Oh hey there wait 'til you get a load of this, they're giving me a teaching award tonight so I'm gonna need you to go ahead and holster up 'the twins' as you'll be playing the role of "arm-candy".
Jordan: Yeah, I'm not going. If I wanna hear someone go on & on about how great you are, I'll just listen to you during sex. (edit) Dr. Kelso: You know I could look at the demented crayon scratchings of a madman all day, but I got a hospital to run. Did you wax over there yet?
Janitor: No sir... I'll get a new uniform or I'll wax everything in your WORLD! (edit) Janitor: Dr. Kelso, while I got you here, I need to discuss a hospital matter of grave importance.
Dr. Kelso: What is it?
Janitor: I'm not happy with my uniform. (edit) J.D.'s Narration: Was it a comfortable silence? No. And I'm going to be the one who breaks it. Unfortunately I have one of Rowdy's hairs in my mouth... uh-oh! (edit) Elliot: How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she´s 16 or 60, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her? (edit) J.D.: Hey, guys, I know we talked about this before but, I'm moving out.
Carla: Really?
J.D.: Man, you guys need your space.
Turk: Wow, thanks man.
J.D.: You're gonna miss me though.
Elliot: Hey, you could turn his room into a gym.
Turk: We ain't putting no gym in my media room.
Carla: Whose media room?
Turk: OUR media room! (edit) Janitor: Okay, how about this one? Three blue-jays fly into a bar and they say, "we just want to wet out beaks". Ha, ha, ha... no? (edit) J.D.: Dude, who do you think you're talking to, you think you've been the world's greatest husband? Please, I was there when you were flirting with your ex-girlfriend and neglected to tell her you were married. I was there when you tried to hook up with that waitress, the day before you got engaged. And I was definitely there when you hooked up with that nasty ass stripper at "Boobies, Boobies, Boobies".
Turk: That wasn't me that was you!
J.D.: I know, but I told her my name was Turk. (edit) Turk: You're absolutely right. It's my fault you kissed my wife. (edit) Elliot: You know Lindsay when I was 15 I cut my own bangs... Oh that's right, Percival; it's a high-school hair story. Anyway, Judy Keenan told me that she would also cut her hair off; it was like a suicide-pact, only with bangs. I cut off my hair and, of course, she backed out. But even though my bangs looked horrible, I kept them that way. Mostly because those stupid bangs were the only thing in my life that I felt I had control over, you know? (edit) J.D.'s narration: I got to think about relationships, about how people fall in love...have kids...grow old together...and say good bye...and then for some reason I thought about the circus...but then I was back on relationships... (edit) J.D.: I got three words for you; sucks to be, adding a fourth, you! (edit) Dr. Cox: Sooooo Linz-o, ha h-it must be kind of cool having the same name as that Lindsay Lohan. Gosh, she's super-cool. Just between you, me and the I.V. I guess I've probably seen "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" oh, I don't know, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8-9 times ha h- what a film. Whew! (edit) Dr. Cox: I need your help.
Elliot: Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule 1 or 2, I get to boing your curls.
Dr.Cox: What the hell does boing mean?
(Elliot pulls one of his curls and lets it go)
Elliot: Boingggggg.
Dr.Cox: (to himself)Oh god this is gonna kill me. (edit) J.D.: I'm telling you, dude, she was all over me. Like ants on candy.
Carla: You think you're talking to Turk, don't you? (edit) J.D.: But hey, thanks for taking the hit on this one.
Carla: Me? Na-a na-a, you're his best friend, all you have to do is say "I'm sorry", high-five him & go "DAAAAHHHHH!"
J.D.: Oh, but all you have to do is have sex with him & he'll forgive you. If I have sex with him he'll probably end up madder. (edit) J.D.: Don't worry, this'll all be fine. You know Turk, I mean, whomever he blames will get the silent treatment for a couple of days, then he'll make snarky comments for a few months and then, sooner or later, he'll be laughing about the whole thing. It's just like the time I slept with his family's cleaning lady.
Carla: You slept with Tuni?
J.D.: I was staying in their guest-room & she was buffing the nightstand and she just kept on buffing. (edit) Dr. Cox: Feel free to take notes. Alright there, Blossom, here's the hot gossip. You're having seizures again because you're not taking your medication. If this continues, you will be dead... and I'm not talking about the "oh my God, if I don't get invited to the prom I'm going to die" type of dead I'm talking, dead dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it's not I could of course text you on my Blackberry, or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry, although technically Chuck Berry is a black berry. (edit) Nurse: Looking good, Janitor.
Janitor: Well thank you, petite-lady.
Todd: Wow, that color really brings out your package.
Janitor: Thank you, supposedly-straight surgeon. (edit) Elliot: I don't understand why you're butting in on my patients, you know outside of your usual arrogance and God complex.
Dr. Cox: I don't know what you're talking about. Kiss my ring. (edit) Turk: What about you Carla, did you like it?
Carla: No! His lips are chappy.
J.D.: I can't use lip-balm; I always end up eating it. When I was little I used to spread it on crackers. (edit) Turk: Did you like it?
J.D.: Well that's kind of a trick question, Turk. I mean if I say yes, it's like I'm saying "damn dude, your wife is hot & I'd like to get me some of that". But if I say no then I'm all like "yo, I know she's your wife but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty". (edit) J.D.'s narration: The silence was killing me...
Turk: You kissed my wife.
J.D.'s narration: I miss the silence. (edit) Janitor: I'm not happy with my uniform.
Dr. Kelso: Ahh, new janitor uniforms, top priority. Right up there with silk jammies for the patients and a cat door for the ICU.
Janitor: I made some sketches.
Dr. Kelso: This one has a cape!
Janitor: That gives me the option of fighting crime...after work, of course...now this one got sort of a medieval thing going.
Dr. Kelso: Is he on a horse?
Janitor: It's his steed, sir...that's for clean-ups in outer space...this one's outer space, evening wear. This one's just a kangaroo...sometimes I draw kangaroos. (edit) Jordan: Oh, Pedro, I can't seem to find my pencil. Do you have any idea where it might be?
Pedro: Oh it's right there between your bosoms, ma'am.
Jordan: Ma'am??? You just ma'amed your way out of me ever buying you beer again! (edit) Ted: (Playfully punching the Janitor) Hey there, little boy blue!
Janitor: Don't punch the new uni'.
Ted: (Still punching the Janitor) Little boy blue, blow your horn... (laughs and leaves)
Janitor: ...he didn't stop. (edit) Elliot: I don't have a ring, but you can kiss my ass. (edit) Elliot: With all due respect Dr. Cox, maybe I should talk to her.
Dr. Cox: With no due respect whatsoever... why?
Elliot: She's a teenager girl, that's a confusing time. Your breasts are growing... not always symmetrically. Uh... you like boys, maybe one gives you a ride home, you think maybe something's going to happen but it doesn't, and that just makes it official that you're a lopsided freak! Happy ending though. Lefty caught up in college.
Dr. Cox: Barbie! I have a finite amount of brain space, and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic hockey team's victory at Lake Placid. Miracle on ice: gone. (edit) Elliot: Ah! Well, if it isn't the happy couple! And Turk's here too.
(Silence)
Elliot: Oookay, are we not laughing about this yet? (edit)

After J.D. kisses Turk, Turk hits Ted but you can see that Turk missed Ted's arm. (edit) It is revealed that the Janitor has a tattoo of a mop. (edit) The Janitor's uniform is exactly the same as the uniform he wears in J.D.'s sitcom fantasy in "My Life in Four Cameras". (edit) Featured Music:
"C'mon, Get Happy" by David Cassidy
"Don't Look Away" by Josh Radin (edit) Michael Copon (who plays Pedro in this episode) is also a star in the series Power Rangers, where Aloma Wright (who plays Nurse Laverne Roberts) is a recurring guest, just like in Scrubs. (edit) At the start of the episode Jordan calls her 17 year old neighbour Pedro. But a few episode earlier in 418 - My Roomates, she says her 17 year old neighbour is called Pablo. (edit)

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