2 Broke Girls Season 1 Episode 16

Max: Didn't have the heart to tell him that Cupid is dead! Yup, hit by a Mack Truck crossing the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway. His fat, diapered, baby ass splattered all over the windshield!
Caroline: I love Valentines Day!

Caroline: Han, that is so romantic!
Max: Yeah, romantic and wrong! This place isn't when Harry Meet Sally, it's when Harry meet salmonella!
Oleg: Max, club sandwich, oh, and heads up I lost a Band-aid.

Max: Roses from a man. Now I'm starting to get it. Is it weird that I kinda wanna have sex with your dad?

Sophie: (enters with two bouquets of flowers) No, I didn't just win a beauty contest! These were left on the front doorstep. They're both addressed to Caroline, sorry Max.
Max: Oh no, that's cool. Wouldn't wanna break my winning streak.
Sophie: Well, just look at it this way, she got the flowers, you got the knockers!

Max: Earl's having a heart attack!
Caroline: Sophie, we're taking the town car to the hospital. Earl, when did the pain start?
Earl: When I saw Sophie in that dress.

Max: Here's the last check, Earl.
Earl: Oh Max, can you take care of that for me, please?
Max: Sure, why?
Earl: Oh, nothing pressing, just having a heart attack. I'll see you tomorrow!