2 Broke Girls Season 1 Episode 21

Caroline: (realizing she lost Earl's tax return) This is so not like me. The only thing I've ever lost is my virginity.

Bob: Hey, Max, what's up!?
Max: Bob, wow, what are you doing here?
Bob: I just filled my taxes like everyone else. Bob had a good year. (leaves)
Caroline: Who was that?
Max: My dealer.

Max: I'm a bum, she has a baby hanging off her nipple and she's filed her tax return.

Caroline: I can't believe your putting your financial future in the hands of a hipster tax place called 'The Tax of Life'
Max: You know how the old proverb goes. You take the good, you take the bad, you take what's left and there you have Tax of life.

Caroline: Who is it?
Sophie: (from behind door) It's Kim Kardashian. (Caroline opens door, and lets her in) OK, I'm not Kim Kardashian, I work for a living.

Max: We's all grown up, we's legit! (ring bell) Listen up, diner! I just hit the big time! No more serving slop to you low lives, so everybody can suck it, my waitress days are over!
Customer: Can I get some more coffee?
Max: Sure.

Max: (going threw her purse) A pill! Could be birth control, could be Extacy, waiting for a day off to find out. Why wait. (take pill) If I start touching your hair in an hour, don't let me have sex with anyone!

Caroline: Max, do you have any gum? My breath tastes like someone else's breath.
Max: Your asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sluts!

Oleg: Chicken breast, side of hot sauce.
Max: Breast? Hot sauce? Come on it's right there.

Earl: Do you know what tomorrow is?
Han: Oh, of course, happy Martin Luther King Day! Enjoy a drink on me.
Earl: It's not Marin Luther King Day, black people are aloud to be excited about days to, you know?
Han: Is there a new Tyler Perry movie coming out?