2 Broke Girls Season 1 Episode 19

Han: (to Michael and Steven as they enter the restaurant.) Welcome again to the Williamsburg Diner, this way please. I have looked up 'down-low' and 'rice queen' and the Wikipedia, and no, I'm not a secret homosexual or a man who only chases Asian men. I'm great, I'm straight, get use to it!

Earl: Max, things sure were dull around here without you. Everyone walking around all P.C., nobody called me black. Hell, I haven't laughed once since you've been gone! When it comes to this job, you are my vacation.

Caroline: On spring break I always loved spending the day at the beach. Just the chilling and the girl talk.
Max: Yea, tell me again about the sound the anal gland made when you squeezed it.
Caroline: Please stop, I already told you twice, and now Wynonna Judd wont even look at me.
Max: Well not without her lawyer in her room.

Brendon: I'd shake your hands, but I kinda stink. I've been at my microbrewery most of the day, so I am sorry if I smell like yeast.
Max: Hey, that's my apology!

Caroline: You can't handle what's on the other side of that door!
Max: Yesterday I saw a guy on a stoop frenching his cat, I can handle anything.

Caroline: This is a huge disappointment.
Max: I heard that!
Caroline: You don't even know what I'm referring to.
Max: Oh, I just assumed we're talking about everything.

Max: Things aren't that depressing. (sink in the background begins to violently shake.) (Oleg walks away pulling his pants up.)
Sophie: (trying to sneak away with hair and clothes in disarray, sees Max and Caroline) Well, I'm sure we have all done things with men in kitchens that we are not proud of.

Max: Well have a good time, and while your 4 blocks away having your vacation, I'll be home taking a little masturba-cation.