When Caroline breaks Max's mixer, they have to get jobs at Santa World in order to pay for a new one. Meanwhile, the girls convince Han to open the restaurant on Thanksgiving to feed the needy.
Max and Caroline's Current Total: $621.25
Max: I feel bad, I didn't get you anything.
Caroline: Max, you got me everything. Before you I was living on a subway, now I'm living near a subway.
Caroline: I hope I didn't ruin Christmas for those sweet children.
Max: Naw, you didn't. All they say was a crotchless elf freaking out, but "Mary Christmas" will never recover! They'll find her in her studio apartment in two weeks, hung from her chimney with care.
Caroline: You abandon me on Christmas the day after my father abandons me on thanksgiving, you have balls!
Max: (to the Children at Santa World as Mrs. Claus) Christmas Balls! Like the ones on Santa's tree or a Hanukkah bush. (to Caroline as herself again) Look, I've got my own problems back there. Santa is kinda handsy.
Mary: What's your favorite Christmas song?
Caroline: Silent Night, get it cuz I want you to be silent!
Mary: What's wrong with you? Your acting like an Elf-hole!
Max: How do I look? Cuz I feel like I look like a North Pole dancer
Oleg: Why do you have to be there in the middle of the night?
Caroline: Because it's Black Friday and the doors open at 5am.
Max: Yea, and we wanna be there right on time to see the first person trampled to death by uggs.
Han: Bye, get home Safely! Oh, maybe I should not have said that to homeless.
Max: Great! 3 am, you, me, and defiantly a Virgin Mary.
Caroline: You requested to work in Santa's Sex Toy Shop. Max, that's not even a thing.
Max: Tell that to my candy cane shaped vibrator. I call it Santa's big helper.
Max: There is nothing Christmassy about this hallway. It looks like the place Santa sends promiscuous elves to get the results of their STD tests.
Caroline: We'd be great elves. I have the holiday spirit, you're great with kids.
Max: And we're both so desperate for money we'll wear other people's tights.
Max: Christmas comes but once a year, and I think it just did.
Caroline: When I was little I use to make my father cakes in my Easy Bake Oven.
Max: My Easy Bake Oven was repossessed.
Max: I'm so many types of bitches, I've lost count
Caroline: Max, it's time to teach me how to bake.
Max: Ok, but if were gonna do that, first I'll need to get baked.
Oleg: Here, I will pay for turkeys.
Max: Gees, dude, where did you get that!?
Oleg: I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire to school kids in New York. It is a good profit, and a beautiful drive, I love the leafs.
Caroline: My father and I had a very special Thanksgiving tradition every year.
Max: Oh, let me guess, you'd fly somewhere like the Bahamas, lay by the pool, and he'd light other people's stolen money on fire?
Caroline: No, we'd rent out the Waldorf Astoria ballrooms and feed the homeless.
Max: ...Don't look at me right now.
Caroline: And after we'd fly to our home in St. Barts for two weeks.
Max: Ok, you can look at me again.
Oleg: I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria once, beautiful hotel, but fifty dollars for a hamburger? For that money it should eat me first.
Caroline: I've always loved this time of year. Spice pumpkin lattes, bringing the winter furs out, then taking my winter furs to the dry cleaners to get the red P.E.T.A. paint out.
Max: Ew, you look pretty sharp tonight Earl. You going somewhere special?
Earl: Max, I'm free, black and 75. Who knows what the night will bring!
Max: Well, here's a twenty, can you break this they way you just broke my heart?
Original International Air Dates:
Canada: November 21, 2011 on Citytv
United Kingdom: June 21, 2012 on E4/E4 HD
Turkey: April 30, 2013 on CNBC-e
Max: Listen Bi-Polar Express.
This is a reference to the hit Christmas movie starring Tom Hanks, Polar Express.
Max: Slow down Speed Racer.
Speed Racer was a cartoon television series in the late 1960s about a young kid who wants to be the greatest race-car driver in the world.
Earl: ...No, hold it, that was from The Help.
The Help was best selling book turned into a movie, set in the 1960s where African-American maids write a book about the people they work for with the help of a young female journalist.
Max: What's up Children of the Corn.
Referencing how he's holding corn husks and other fall decorations, Children of the Corn is a 1977 short horror story by Stephen King, and adapted into a film in 1984.
Max: Their wallets snap shut faster than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.
This is a reference to reality star Kim Kardashian's 72-day marriage to NBA star, Kris Humphries. Kim reportedly made more than $17 million off the wedding. It was also a four-hour special episode of her show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
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