30 Rock

Liz: Even though I am... not into the sex stuff, if it helps you, I would let you... do stuff to me. Gretchen: I can't be around you anymore. Bye, Liz. Liz: That's funny. That's what the guys always say.

Liz: If I'm gonna be with someone, it has to be a guy. Gretchen: You sound pretty sure about that. Liz: What can I say, I love a bald spot and a hairy back. Gretchen: You're alone there.

Frank: (about Kenneth) He's awesome. You can't read his thoughts because he doesn't have any.

Liz: So what are you saying, Pete? I should just be a lesbian? Pete: Well, I'm not saying it'll be easy. You know, get drunk first.

(discussing Liz's past boyfriends) Pete: There was the guy who was obsessed with Charlie Chaplin. Liz: Neil. Pete: There was the guy who played Halo under the name "slutbanger". Liz: Dennis. Pete: There was the tall, gangly, red-haired guy who played guitar all the time. Liz: Conan.

Jack: Very clever boy, Kenneth. But the curtain has been drawn back now, and I know the real you. Kenneth: (whispering to Grizz) I think he's confusing me with someone else.

Liz: That's a pretty good joke for somebody from plastics. Gretchen: Well, I wasn't always in plastics. I used to work in water process technologies, working mainly in primary metals. Liz: Ah, so you have a comedy background.

Liz: Why would Jack just assume that we're lesbians? Gretchen: I am a lesbian. Liz: Mmmm, that's awesome. Gretchen: Is this the first time somebody's made that assumption about you? (flashbacks) Volleyball Coach: (to teenage Liz) Lemon, don't let these girls give you a hard time about... who you are. Dentist: (to child Liz) You know, you need to brush your teeth more, young man. Old Lady: (looking at baby Liz) Oh, my, what an adorable little lesbian!

Jack: When Frank is bluffing, he asks a series of inane questions to hide his nervousness. Frank: Oh really? Is that what you think? Is that what I do? Am I doing that right now? Yeah, I'm out. Tracy: Okay, Rain Man. Tell me what I got. Jack: Well you have two of your cards backwards, actually. Tracy: I'm out.

Pete: (to Liz) Hey, look at you! You look like a fancy prostitute.

Tracy: (playing poker) Remind me what's better: a pair of black aces or a pair of red aces?

Tracy: I love poker! I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts: Crazy Seven, Albuquerque Freakout, One-Card Stud. Josh: Yeah, I don't think those are real games. Tracy: Whatever. Get ready to get took.

Pete: So who is this Thomas guy? Liz: Oh, I don't know. He's one of Jack's friends. Oh, my God, isn't Jack friends with Tom DeLay? Am I going on a date with Tom DeLay?

Jack: Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you have not been touched in any way in quite some time: not caressed, not massaged, not even groped on the subway.

Frank: Liz, nobody's gonna believe that a killer robot can get his ass kicked by one bear. It doesn't make any sense. Liz: You're trying to bring logic to the robot/bear sketch?

Liz: I can't believe you bet your wedding ring. Pete: I know. Weird thing is... I had money left.

Gretchen: Oh, I worked with Jack in plastics. He tends to approach everything that way. Locate the problem, isolate the problem, set the problem up with a lesbian.

Tracy: (dealing cards) This round, Texas Doozy. Face cards are wild, threes are jinx, fives are twos. Jack: Tray, do you mind if I deal this hand?

Jack: Are you familiar with the Japanese art of Reiki? Liz: No. Jack: It is the laying on of hands in order to improve one's life. Liz: How does your life improve? Do the hands have money in them?

Liz: (about Kenneth) Well it was nice of you to let him keep his job. Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct. In five years we'll all either be working for him... or dead by his hand.

Liz: What made you think I was gay? Jack: Your shoes. Liz: Well, I'm straight. Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Liz: What do guys like? Frank: Uh, porn. Liz: No, I mean if you were to gonna go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act? Frank: Like she was in a porn.

Jack: I enjoy poker. I'd be interested in seeing my new employees under that kind of pressure. Liz: Oh, you're not going to come to our crappy poker game, are you? Jack: No, I'm not. Liz: (relieved) Good! Jack: I bluffed. Yes, I am coming.