30 Rock

Tracy: (on his new movie) They're paying me one million teacher salaries.

Liz: So I'll go to Floyd's wedding alone. Maybe I'll just lean into it and bring a cat and a baby stroller.

Tracy: (about his childhood) I seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in was named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk.

Wesley: I don't want to go back to England. I can't suffer through the London 'Lympics. We're not prepared, Liz! Did you see the Beijing opening ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that.

(Liz asks a stranger to be her date) Mike: I'd love to be your date, Liz. I like how forward you are. Now may I tell you something? I'm a plushie. Liz: Is that a fraternity? Mike: Kind of. It means I belong to a group of like-minded people who dress up in mascot costumes and have orgies in hotel rooms and state parks. Our term for intercourse... is yiffing.

Wesley: (to Liz) This is meant to be. We're like Russ and Rebecca on Chums.