30 Rock Season 1 Episode 18

Dr. Spaceman: I have the results of your DNA test. Now, I am very serious about doctor/patient confidentiality, so I am gonna have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves.

Pete: Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after layer until you're just... weeping over the sink.

Jack: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Liz: Those weren't jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack: Well, they got big laughs.

Jack: (to Liz) I don't know what happened in your life that caused you to develop a sense of humor as a coping mechanism. Maybe it was some sort of brace or corrective boot you wore during childhood.

Devon: Oh, what's that? MC Lyte just murdered Danny Bonaduce? Oh, thanks, phone!

Jack: Kenneth, you are the worst gay bait ever.

Devon: You're going down.
Jack: No, Devon, I don't do that.

Jack: Devon, what can I do for you?
Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other, I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.
Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.
Devon: Yeah? Well you should be.
Jack: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.
Devon: Yeah, let's.

Devon: If you excuse me I'll go slip into something more comfortable.
Kenneth: Oh, like in the movies!

Tracy: Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pincode? Dr. Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be. I'll let you know as soon as we have the results. Tracy: I already know the results, the kid is not mine! Dr. Spaceman: Boy it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the sixties.

Kenneth: So Mr. Donaghy what can I do for you?
Jack: I heard you were talking to my collegue Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?
Kenneth: No sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.
Jack: You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started of as page just like you.
Kenneth: Really? So did I!
Jack: You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.
Kenneth: Okay, what kinds of questions?
Jack: I'll write them down for you. You call him tell him you have two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight. Now Kenneth, have you ever used bronzer?
(Kenneth shrugs)

Jack: I'm sure he's here to dazzle the old men with webisode ideas, but I have ideas too, Lemon.
Liz: Like what?
Jack: Something big—a live television special with fireworks. They can do shapes, now. One time I saw a cowboy hat.

Jack: Banks is no slouch. He pioneered the concept of ten second Internet sitcoms.