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Frank: My whole life I said I was gonna be something. Restore the glory of the Rossitano name. In Sicilian dialect it means "well poisoner".
Jack: In Gaelic, Donaghy means "dung basket".
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Frank: Last time I saw my dad, he went out to get the candles for my 4th birthday lasagna and never came back.
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Tracy: I don't need a birthday, 'cause I buy myself all the presents I need, and because of my drinking they're often a surprise.
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John Lithgow: Excuse me, what floor is the Sci Fi channel on?
Liz: Oh, fine, Lithgow, I'll do the right thing. God!
John Lithgow: I guess someone's been watching The World According to Garp.
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Kenneth: Now let's make Miss Maroney's birthday wish come true.
Jenna: That's so sweet, but who would I celebrate with if you all were in a car accident?
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Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.
Frank: "My client has no memory of that."
Jack: I also would've accepted, "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."
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Tracy: (to the TGS staff) You are all so amazing. And to think that I just calling y'all a bunch of racists.
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Becca: You'd make such a great mom. You're smart, successful, grounded...
Liz: Oh, go on.
Becca: You already dress like a mom.
Liz: And stop.
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Liz: Being terrible never prevented success on the music business. Look at Biz Markie or The Doors.
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Becca: Excuse me.
Jack: Oh, God, please don't be the daughter I didn't know about.
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Jack: Boy, that creative thing you guys do: writing jokes for a living, making the world laugh—
(Jack suddenly gets serious)
Jack: What do your dads tell their friends you do?
Toofer: Surgeon.
Josh: Optometrist.
Lutz: Died.
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Liz: Should you be working the night shift alone like this?
Becca: It's fine. They gave me a gun.
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Jack: I just need somewhere where I can socialize where women aren't an issue.
(sees the men from the writer's staff leaving for a party)
Jack: Hey now...