30 Rock

Jenna: If the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again?

Tracy: I love this cornbread so much I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

Liz: Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America. (winks at camera)

Jack: (checking Liz's email) Do you ever get any emails other than from Match.com?

Jenna: (to Tucker Carlson) You know, for someone who's super super hot, you're really cranky.

Dotcom: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk, man. Kenneth: Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?

Jenna: (practicing for an interview) And I just want the troops to kill everyone and come on home!

Dotcom: Do you want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi? Tracy: Nah, I don't even use the ones I have.

Liz: (to Josh) You were opening for a puppet when I found you.

Jack: Lemon, what happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?

Jack: My offer is now 75 cents. Josh: (to his agent) It keeps getting lower, I think we should take it.

Liz: Josh is a very sweet, very dumb kid.

Jenna: Liz, posing for Maxim is a great career move, there's no shame in it.

Jack: You know what's absurd? These photos I found of Josh roughhousing with Lance Bass at Sea World. Josh: What? We were just being silly.

Liz: Obama—you support Barack Obama. Remember you liked those pictures of him at the beach? Jenna: Oh, right, Obama. What is he Hispanic? Liz: No, he's black. Jenna: And he's running for President? Good luck.

Liz: Jack said advertisers love you because you test great with women 12–24. Josh: Which advertisers? Could I get free Chocosticks?

Jack: Jenna is going to make a public apology tomorrow on Hard Ball. (to Jenna) You know what that is, don't you? Jenna: Yes. Should I prepare a song? Jack: I really can't wait to re-negotiate your contract. Jenna: Thank you, sir.

Liz: Jenna, have you read your interview yet? Jenna: Uh, no. Did I come as interesting because I tried to mention Bono as much as possible?

Jack: (about Josh) He's going to try to grab all the marbles and it's our job to hide them. Liz: That's not how you play marbles, Jack. Jack: But that's how you keep them.

Liz: Wow, you do have a talent. Jack: I can't wait to go mano-a-mano with Josh. Liz: Right, I think you mean mano-a-toddler.

Liz: Well, you look happy. Somebody just have a root beer float? Jack: No, Josh's contract is up, which means it's time for my favorite thing in the world—negotiation. The essence of capitalism, there's nothing like it. God, I wish there was somebody I could negotiate with right now.

Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap. Liz: No, Jack. I don't want to learn about negotiation. I just want Josh to stay. The show needs him. Jack: Lesson number one: you don't need anyone. Sure, Josh tests well with female viewers twelve to twenty-four, which is important to advertisers because, you know, women will buy just about anything. (cut to Cerie) Cerie: These sunglasses have a chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod loses power!

Liz: Wow, this is an... honor. I have a friend who is number four on Maxim's list of "The Sexiest Women in Comedy." Jenna: Thanks. At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me, but then I saw The Dukes of Hazzard. Funny!