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Jack: Lemon, how are you?
Liz: You know what? I'm good! I've got a book deal, a free sandwich in my pocket, and I've got this weird loose feeling in my shoulders. What is that?
Jack: It's either happiness or osteoporosis. I think it's happiness.
(Liz smiles at Jack)
Jack: You're getting yours.
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Tracy: There you are, you stupid cracker. You know why I'm in a hotel room? To poop in peace. No kids banging on the door, no phones ringing. It's my time. Every Tuesday and Thursday at 3:00PM! I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about.
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Liz: I'm not sure I'm qualified to give relationship advice.
Jack: You're not. Suburban seventh graders have more sexual experience than you do. But that doesn't matter.
Liz: Right, because I'm helping people.
Jack: You're helping yourself. So make the most of this opportunity. After all, how many years does TGS have left?
Liz: I don't know, twenty?
Jack: (laughing) What do you think this is, Wings? You got two more years, at best.
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Tracy: I've changed, Ken, into a badass adult. I have a wolf-dog, I have two bad knees, and a gun—that I lost.
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Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, exciting news! Your old high school wants you to speak at graduation. And they said you can drop up to five F-bombs.
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Liz: We sure had quite a year.
Jack: What are you talking about? It's May.
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Liz: I'm meeting a book agent about writing a "Dealbreaker!" book. He's gonna take me to lunch wherever I wanna go. Do you know if there's a sit-down Quiznos in Midtown?
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Mary J. Blige: My Mary J. Blige Foundation is celebrating its tenth year of searching for the Loch Ness Monster.
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Liz: There's no such thing as bisexual. That's just something they invented in the 90s to sell hair products.
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Tracy: Damn, K, you know who that was?
Kenneth: I don't, sir. Do you?
Tracy: I grew up with that guy. He was the baddest gangster in my class. We called him Mean Steve, but his real name was Steven Killer.
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Kenneth: Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.
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Jack: Milton needs a kidney.
Liz: Milton, as in your dad?
Jack: My "dad?" I don't know this guy! Professor Milton Greene, who's writing a three volume biography of Jimmy Carter, and if I give him a kidney he could live to finish it?